- Let's cut to the chase, why am I here?
- Your primary target (hologram beeping)
is your old rival from the Cold War,
(Decker groaning)
Nicolai Andrew Kovich. (hologram beeping)
Now, Andrew Kovich has been leading a-
- He's here! (hologram beeping)
(skin tearing) (Jackson groaning)
- Jackson!
Jackson!
Dammit! ("Key & Peele Theme Song")
(white guy laughing)
- Hey, did you see that (beep)?
- That (beep) looked like
Busta Rhymes and Maya Angelou
had a baby. (men laughing)
- Yeah, yeah.
That was one jacked up looking (beep)!
(white guy laughing nervously)
(soft guitar music) - Uh-oh,
you just dropped the N word.
But, you're not an N.
Lucky for you, there's a way to avoid these situations.
Introducing the new smartphone application, the negraph.
Finally, a technology specifically designed
to help you determine,
whether or not you can drop the N-bomb.
- I can say it!
- [Family] We can all say it!
- Not in this lifetime.
- To see your negraph,
just enter your name, age, and color of your skin
or just the color of your skin.
- I've got the negraph on my phone and my iPad.
My phone says, I can't ever say it.
My iPad says, I can't ever say it, but bigger.
- [Announcer] The negraph.
Can you say the N-word?
- I can say (beep) all day long.
- [Family] (beep)!
- No.
I'd like to, but, it says it right here.
- The negraph.
- Mr. Cook, you're almost up.
Are you ready? - Good. I'm good.
- Okay.
Really gonna need you to stick to the script on this one.
- I'm the CEO of Apple, Willis.
I'm not gonna do anything stupid.
Please stop comparing me to Steve Jobs.
- No, nobody's comparing you to Steve Jobs.
Okay, I just want you to focus on the products
and please stick to the script.
Okay. (CEO sighing)
You're on in three- - They're gonna forget
they ever heard the name Steve Jobs.
What up Apple people? (crowd cheering)
Yeah!
Well now, the first thing that I'm gonna do,
is T-O-T-S.
Throw out the script. (crowd cheering)
- Mh-hm.
- Now,
I'm supposed to come out here
and tell you about some (beep) new iPhone pad,
pod-dick, pussy (beep).
You've seen it.
Aba-ba-aba-ba-aba-ba boring. (electronics clattering)
(crowd cheering) Yes! That's exactly it!
Now, let's just say that this table, right here,
let's say it's Bill Gates, huh?
(CEO screaming) (table crashing)
(crowd cheering) Yeah!
(CEO imitating karate master) Ha! Ha! Ha !
That's what I'm talking about!
And, let's say that this
is our competitors'
new smartphone. (crowd booing)
How 'bout that, huh?
What, it looks- (groaning) (glass shattering)
(imitating robot) I am Android,
I am a major donkey-dick. (screams) Woo!
Right, and let's that, this right here,
This is one of our competitors new E-book reader, huh?
(bag thudding) What about that?
(crowd booing) What, uh-oh, tut, tut,
wooks wike wain.
Ha! (laughs) (urine trickling)
(crowd cheering) - Yeah, yeah!
- Woo!
woo!
Yeah!
Alright!
Yes!
Who wants to see some of that
classified next level (beep), huh?
(crowd cheering)
Did Steve ever show you that classified (beep)?
No, he didn't. - You can't do that,
they haven't been tested yet! (device beeping)
This device will allow you to teleport anywhere
on the planet.
Check this out.
I am the future! (device beeping)
(CEO creaming and sizzling)
(crowd screaming)
Woo!
Let's see Steve's Jobs do that!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
- "I've been trying to reach out to you all day.
Are we on for tonight?"
(phone beeping) Geez.
- What, you can't catch me.
You can't catch me.
I'm Lance Moore.
Touchdown, bitch.
What? Pause.
(lighter clicking) (phone dinging)
Awe, shoot, Keegan's been texting me.
Sorry, dude.
Missed your texts.
I assumed we'd meet at the bar.
Whatever, I don't care. (phone beeping)
(phone dinging)
- "Sorry, dude, missed your texts.
I assumed we'd meet at the bar.
Whatever, I don't care."
"Whatever, I don't care?"
What the (beep) is his problem?
Do you even want to hang out?
- "Do you even want to hang out?"
Oh, that's considerate.
Like I said, whatever.
- "Like I said whatever?"
(Beep) this guy!
Jesus you-
- "Are (beep) priceless."
Awe.
You're the- - "One who's
(beep) priceless?"
This, this mother (beep) right here.
Oh, he wants to,
oh, mh-hm.
Mh-hm, okay.
You want to go-
- "Right now?"
Hm,
guess I could do that.
(clears throat) Okay!
- "Okay, let's go!"
He said, "Okay, let's go?"
All right, you know what?
You know what, you wanna really-
- "Do this now?"
Keegan, you nut.
You're not putting me out.
- "(Beep) yeah, let's do it."
Oh ya (beep) asshole.
- First rounds' mine.
- Oh no!
Oh no, ain't gonna be no rounds, asshole!
It's gonna be (beep) a street fight!
This son of a.
- 'Cause tonight we gonna party and the party don't stop.
- You!
- Buddy, like I said,
first round's mine.
A beer and a Gimlet for my partner, right.
What's that?
- (stammering) Uh, I got, I got you a baseball bat,
with nails in it.
- For my post-apocalyptic Jackie Robinson costume?
How did you know?
- Hey, baby. - Hmm?
- Wake up. - Hmm?
What time is it?
What are you doing?
- Good morning.
(camera shutter clacks) - Hey!
- (laughs) Come on girl, it's time to get up.
Let's go. (dramatic music)
- Delete the picture,
mother (beep). (gun clicking)
- (gasps) Okay, um, uh, delete,
deleting it.
Um, delete, delete photo.
Okay.
It's gone.
It's all, It's all gone. (breaths heavily)
- Thanks, baby, mm. (lips smacking)
How do you want your eggs?
- (breaths heavily) Scrambled.
(computer beeping)
- Hey, buddy- - Hey, my dude,
what's going on, man? - Okay, we got-
- I'm sorry, I'm talking at the same time
as you. - Okay.
- You go ahead
and talk. - Go ahead.
- I'm sorry.
Go ahead. - No, it's alright, I'm-
- I, uh, what are you,
Are you talking right now? - Go.
Yeah, I'm trying to-
- Go ahead. - Alright, this is.
- Go ahead. - Okay, go ahead.
Alright, I'm just trying- - I'm just gonna talk
and you just keep, no- - Okay.
It's you. - I'm sorry.
- No, alright,
I'll go - It's just that...
- and then you just- - My internet connections a
little weak. - Just, gosh.
- Are you talking right now? - I don't know.
I think.
I can't tell if it's
a delay or- - God (beep)
- (Beep) - Okay.
You go first... - I'll talk
and speak and then- - And then you start-
- No.
- What's that? - What?
- Hm? - Wait.
What? - (Beep)
- Can't (beep) believe this,
not today! - You've gotta be kidding me!
Not (beep) today! - Ridiculous!
- We gotta have this conversation!
(Beep)
- Okay, okay.
- Okay. - You know what?
- Did the delay come back or- - Let's just lay back...
- Are you still- - And just call-
Or did you catch up? - Can't-
You haven't even (beep) caught up!
- Ha! Ha! - Or we wouldn't be talking
at the same- - Wow!
- God damn it!
Okay listen- - Okay, here's the thing-
- Okay, listen, - If I could just-
- You gotta stop trying to... - Let me just-
- Talk at the same time. - Let me just give it-
- And try to make it this- - Okay.
- Or this conversation is gonna just go on,
forever. - I can't get out of it.
- Okay, I can't, listen- - Then that's ridiculous.
I'm, I'm, that, no.
- What am I gonna-
God help me... - There's only one thing,
- Please, I can't! - We can do, okay?
There's only one thing we can do.
- No, listen to me! - Yeah, we,
we gotta- - We gotta get out of this!
- Well, then we gotta end it.
We, I gotta end it. - I gotta end this!
- I can't!-
- I gotta end this, - I can't do it anymore.
- I can't do it anymore. - Okay.
Fine. - I can't do it anymore.
- Then we're gonna end it.
Okay, we're gonna end- - (sobbing) I gotta,
I can't do it.
I can't do it. - Keegan?
Keegan, I'm gonna end it.
You're frozen,
I can't tell.
We're, we're gonna end it, okay?
I just don't want you to be offended.
Ending it.
End, oh!
Oh, he really meant "end it."
(chopper blades whirring) (ominous music)
- Decker.
Agent Jackson,
you'll be working with him on this mission.
- Agent Jackson, let's get one thing straight.
I don't like orders and I don't play by the rules.
I trust you heard of me?
- Actually, no, I haven't.
- Oh, uh, hubba-hubba. (chopper blades whirring)
(ominous music)
- We don't have much time.
The Iraqnid agents have taken over the consult.
- We need to get you in and resolve this from the inside.
We've taken the latest set wrap of the hostiles position
and we've reconstructed a holographic blueprint
of the consulate.
- Save the mouth squared for the new recruits, general.
Not gonna be impressed
by any fancy new technology. (grunting)
- It's just a 3D representation.
Pretty standard these days.
- Right,
I know what it is.
- Agent Jackson,
you will enter through this AC duct
on the south side of the building.
- Yes, sir. - Decker,
you'll be dropped on top
and then you will gain access through this elevator shaft.
We want you to go down to the fourth floor, make-
Decker,
you okay?
- Yeah, heard everything you said; elevator shaft.
It's bright.
- Yeah, it's bright.
The terrorists are located on the third and fifth floor
of the building.
Each floor has six groups of six men.
What we're gonna want you to do,
is stop in the middle at the fourth
and pry open the elevator door and go...
I just want you to move through that elevator door
and then go Down... (hologram beeping)
(hologram sizzling) Pry open...
Elevator door, (hologram beeping)
go down to the third floor...
(hologram sizzling) Okay,
maybe this isn't gonna work out.
- Why? What's the matter, general?
Everybody's putting their hand in the laser.
- It's not a laser, it's a hologram.
- Tomato, tomato.
Look, what's with all the babysitting and hand holding?
Papa's a big boy.
- Let's zoom into the interior.
(hologram beeping) - Yeah, let's zoom in.
(hologram whooshing) Ope, awe! (sighs)
Let's cut to the chase, why am I here?
- Your primary target is your old rival from the Cold War,
Nicolai Andrew Kovich. (hologram beeping)
Now, Andrew Kovich has been leading a-
- He's here! (hologram beeping)
(skin tearing) (Jackson groaning)
- What? Jackson! Jackson!
Damn it. (Decker breathing heavily)
(necklace clanking) (dramatic music)
Good job, Decker.
Jackson was an undercover agent for Iraqnid.
How in the world did you know?
- (sighs) Ain't my first rodeo.
(screaming) Hot!
In my day we made coffee hot.
- No, go, look at that. - What?
That's amazing.
- He's so good at this! - Amazing!
- I know, look at your points!
- [Friend] He's totally got it!
- Oh! - Oh, look at that!
Nice, nice! (everyone applauding)
- Yes, dude, you have absolutely mastered this game.
- Well, since Sheila left,
I've been spending a lot of time...
- Here we go. - Playing the game.
- You're doing really good. - Yeah, Thank you.
- That's why we're here, man.
Help you get over her
and check out this awesome new game you have.
- Yay.
- You know, I left something in another room.
Um, excuse me, everyone. (game beeping)
- Oh, he still has the sensors on. (laughs)
- Oh, look. - Is that him in his room?
- Yeah, you can see him.
That's funny.
What is he doing?
Is he, is he on his knees?
Did he drop to his knees? - Oh, nah. (laughs nervously)
- No. - He's probably looking for-
- No, Look, he's, he's crying.
He's crying.
Oh no.
- He's just- - No, no, no.
He's shuddering. - He's just shaking.
- He's shuddering.
Is he fetal?
Yeah, he curled up.
Look at that.
He's fetal. - Hey, Craig, buddy!
You alright up there? - Oh, yeah Bob,
I'm um, I'm coming right out.
- Oh, he, um- - Hey.
- Hey man,
you alright? - Yes, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just, uh, my sinuses are acting up, yeah.
Yeah, I, um, I was just, you know,
I was just thinking about Sheila, and you know what?
I am, I am totally over her.
- Awesome. - Awesome.
- That's- - Let's, hey,
let's get this party started. - Sure, yeah.
Oh.
Uh, I forgot to get rid of this picture of Sheila.
Excuse me. - Hey, maybe leave
the sensors so one of us can play!
(game beeping) - Oh, he's dancing.
He's dancing with a photo.
Is he, he's doing,
he's doing this a bunch. - Uh.
- Is he kissing it? - Guys, we don't-
- I think he's kissing it. - You know what?
I'm gonna turn this off,
'cause we don't need to- - You change it and you die.
He's undoing his buckle.
Look at this, his pants are coming off.
His pants are coming off.
Oh God.
- Yeah.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Okay, that's happening. - Oh, no, no, no.
- Oh gosh. - Is he, he's,
he is totally on the bed. - Yeah.
- He's totally flat on the bed.
- Oh, maybe he's shaking a can of hairspray.
- Oh God.
- Gross. (retching)
- (retching) Ugh gross.
(friend retching) - We shouldn't be.
Okay, you know- - Is he reaching down
for his foot? - I don't-
- That's his foot, isn't it?
Is that his foot? - That's, I don't.
And coming back, um- - Sorry.
- Whew,
I am sorry everybody.
Would you like me to make some snacks?
Wash your hands first?
(game beeping) ("Key & Peele Theme Song")