( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES,
TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ELECTION DAY 2020 IS JUST AROUND
THE CORNER.
ONLY 504 DAYS, 25 MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS.
NOT THAT I'M COUNTING.
27, 26, 25...
( LAUGHTER ) AND TOMORROW, A NEW CANDIDATE IS
THROWING HIS HAT IN THE RING -- DONALD TRUMP, WHO IS OFFICIALLY
KICKING OFF HIS RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN WITH A RALLY IN
ORLANDO.
MAKES SENSE HE'D DO IT IN THE HOME OF DISNEY.
HIS IDEAS ARE GOOFY, AND HIS BASE IS SNOW WHITE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ALSO, WITH HIS CLIMATE POLICIES, WE'RE ALL GOING TO END UP
♪ UNDER THE SEA ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ♪ I WANT TO GO WHERE THE PEOPLE
ARE ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
TURNS OUT, TRUMP'S APPROVAL RATING IN ORLANDO IS ONLY 29%.
AND MOST OF THAT IS FROM SEA WORLD, AFTER HE HELD THAT BIG
MEETING WITH "THE PRINCE OF WHALES."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( MAKING WHALE SOUNDS ) ( LAUGHTER )
AND ORLANDO IS NOT ALONE, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE LATEST
POLL, JOE BIDEN IS LEADING TRUMP, 49% TO 39%.
ALTHOUGH YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT BECAUSE
THAT POLL WAS CONDUCTED BY THE LEFTY LIBERAL LOONS OVER AT FOX
NEWS.
( LAUGHTER ) WOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW!
WOW!
FOX NEWS IS TELLING TRUMP THE TRUTH?
WHAT WILL THEY TELL HIM NEXT?
THE WALL ISN'T BEING BUILT?
( LAUGHTER ) GOLF HAS RULES?
( LAUGHTER ) CAKE ISN'T DINNER?
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S NOT JUST FOX.
TRUMP IS ALSO TRAILING BIDEN ACCORDING TO INTERNAL POLLING
NUMBERS FROM HIS OWN CAMPAIGN.
(AS TRUMP) "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
BETRAYED BY MY OWN DATA.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID, YOU CAN'T TRUST ANY POLL THAT DOESN'T HAVE
A DANCER ON IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU'VE GOT TO HOLD IT DOWN.
THEY HOLD IT -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP SOLVED THE PROBLEM OF LOW POLL NUMBERS BY FIRING HIS
POLLSTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S LIKE FIRING A CANARY IN A
COAL MINE FOR ITS BAD ATTITUDE.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS COAL MINER)
"HEY, WAKE UP, YOU LAZY BASTARD, YOU'RE FIRED!
COME ON, PACK YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT OF HERE.
MAN, I'M FEELING SLEEPY."
( LAUGHTER ) THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN ACKNOWLEDGED
THAT THE POLLS ARE REAL, BUT CALLS THEM "INCOMPLETE AND
MISLEADING," SAYING THEY REPRESENT A "WORST-CASE
SCENARIO" FOR VOTER TURNOUT.
IT'S TRUE.
VOTERS TURNING OUT IS THEIR WORST-CASE SCENARIO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP FIRED BACK ON TWITTER THIS MORNING-- "ONLY FAKE POLLS SHOW
US BEHIND THE MOTLEY CREW."
YES, THOSE POLLS SHOW TRUMP BEHIND THE MOTLEY CREW BECAUSE
HE'S NOT POPULAR WITH ♪ GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS! ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> Jon: THAT WAS NICE.
THAT WAS NICE.
( SINGING ) >> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO TALKED
ABOUT POLLING IN AN INTERVIEW THAT AIRED LAST
NIGHT WITH GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, STARTING WITH
HOW HE'S TRAILING BIDEN.
>> HE'S STILL BEATING YOU, ACCORDING TO THE POLLS.
>> WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE THE POLLS.
THERE'S NO WAY HE BEATS ME IN TEXAS.
>> BUT EVEN YOUR OWN POLLS SHOW YOU'RE BEHIND RIGHT NOW, DON'T
THEY?
>> NO, MY POLLS SHOW I'M WINNING EVERYWHERE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"YES, EVERYWHERE.
I DEFEATED THE GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS TO BECOME THE N.B.A.
CHAMPS, I WON 'AMERICA'S GOT TALENT,' AND DONALD, WILL YOU
ACCEPT THIS ROSE?
WHY, YES, I WILL.
THANK YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I CAN'T BELIEVE.
OH, MY GOD OH, MY GOD OH, OH, OH...
( LAUGHTER ) BUT GEORGE PUSHED BACK.
>> I DON'T KNOW, WE'VE ALL SEEN THESE REPORTS, THAT IN 15 OUT
OF 17 STATES-- YOU SPENT $2 MILLION ON A POLL, AND YOU'RE
BEHIND IN 15 OUT OF 17 STATES.
>> NOBODY SHOWED YOU THOSE POLLS BECAUSE THOSE POLLS DON'T EXIST,
GEORGE, BECAUSE THOSE POLLS DON'T EXIST.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "THOSE POLLS DON'T EXIST,
GEORGE, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE THIS IS THE MATRIX, GEORGE.
ALL OF US RIGHT NOW ARE JUST DURACELL BATTERIES FOR OUR
MACHINE MASTERS, OUR BODIES SUSTAINED IN A NUTRIENT BATH
WITH TUBES OUT OF EVERY HOLE, GEORGE.
EVERY HOLE.
YOU CAN TAKE THE RED PILL OR THE BLUE PILL, GEORGE.
I TOOK THE RED PILL, AND IT WAS PURE ROBITUSSIN AND I AM
TRIPPING BALLS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "TRIPPING BALLS."
BUT THE INTERVIEW WASN'T JUST POLLS.
TRUMP AND STEPHANOPOULOS ALSO ARGUED ABOUT THE MUELLER REPORT.
>> THEY DIDN'T EXAMINE COLLUSION.
HE LAID OUT EVIDENCE OF OBSTRUCTION.
>> OH, ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY NOW THAT THERE WAS COLLUSION, EVEN
THOUGH HE SAID THERE WAS NO COLLUSION?
>> HE DIDN'T SAY THERE'S NO COLLUSION.
>> HE SAID NO COLLUSION.
>> HE SAID HE DIDN'T LOOK AT COLLUSION.
>> GEORGE, THE REPORT SAID NO COLLUSION.
>> DID YOU READ THE REPORT?
>> UH, YES I DID, AND YOU SHOULD READ IT, TOO.
>> I READ EVERY WORD.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
YOU SHOULD READ IT, TOO, GEORGE.
>> STEPHEN: HE'S GETTING OUT OF THERE FAST BECAUSE HE'S BUSTED.
HE DIDN'T READ THE REPORT.
"YOU EVER READ 'MOBY DICK'?" "YEAH!
I DEFINITELY READ 'MOBY DICK'."
"REALLY?
I WROTE MY DOCTORAL THESIS ON MELVILLE'S USE OF NAUTICAL
IMAGERY!" "NICE.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO JUMP OUT OF THIS MOVING LIMO.
BYE!
TUCK AND ROLL!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THAT WAS OUR CAMERA, RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S ANYBODY ELSE OUT THERE, BUT I ALWAYS
HAVE THIS FANTASY IN MY HEAD THAT IF I HAD TO DO THAT OUT OF
A CAR, I COULD DO THAT.
TUCK AND ROLL AND SPIN OUT!
I JUST FAILED TO DO IT ON A NOT MOVING STAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK I NEED ARTHROSCOPIC
SURGERY DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK.
( LAUGHTER ) WELCOME TO MY LAST SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) STEPHANOPOULOS PRESSED THE
PRESIDENT ON WHY HE DIDN'T SIT FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH MUELLER.
>> BUT IF YOU ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS TO ME NOW, WHY NOT
ANSWER THEM TO ROBERT MUELLER UNDER OATH?
>> BECAUSE -- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
>> STEPHEN: GOT TO SAY, ANY PAUSE THAT LONG IS A RED FLAG.
"HONEY, HOW WAS WORK TODAY?" ( LAUGHTER )
"...GOOD."
"DID YOU GET FIRED?" "...BECAUSE."
( LAUGHTER ) TO HIS CREDIT, STEPHANOPOULOS
DID NOT LET HIM OFF EASY AND TRUMP WAS NOT A FAN OF THAT.
>> DID YOU ANSWER QUESTIONS?
THEY GAVE ME QUESTIONS, I ANSWERED THEM IN WRITING.
>> NOT ON OBSTRUCTION.
LOOK, GEORGE, YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE WISE GUY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: LOOK, GEORGE,
YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE WISE GUY.
YOU'RE BEING A TINY NEWS LEPRECHAUN.
YOU'RE BEING AN ITTY BITTY GREEK HOBBIT.
LOOK, I DON'T -- I DON'T ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM THE LOLLIPOP
GUILD.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THERE WERE A FEW HICCUPS...
OR ACTUALLY, COUGHS.
>> THEY'RE AFTER MY FINANCIAL STATEMENT.
THE SENATE, THEY'D LIKE TO GET MY FINANCIAL STATEMENT.
AT SOME POINT, I HOPE THEY GET IT--
>> YOU GOING TO TURN IT OVER?
>> NO.
AT SOME POINT, I MIGHT, BUT AT SOME POINT, I HOPE THEY GET IT
BECAUSE IT'S A-- ( COUGHS )
FANTASTIC FINANCIAL STATEMENT.
IT'S A FANTASTIC FINANCIAL STATEMENT.
AND LET'S DO THAT OVER, HE'S COUGHING IN THE MIDDLE OF MY
ANSWER.
>> YEAH, OKAY.
>> I DON'T LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE THAT.
>> YOU'RE CHIEF OF STAFF.
>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO COUGH, PLEASE LEAVE THE ROOM.
>> I'M JUST GOING TO GET A SHOT.
I'LL COME OVER HERE.
>> YOU JUST CAN'T, YOU JUST CAN'T COUGH.
>> JUST TO CHANGE THE SHOT.
>> SORRY, MR. TRUMP.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: CAN YOU IMAGINE
WORKING FOR THAT GUY?
(AS TRUMP) "GEORGE, THE IRANIANS ARE
CLEARLY IN VIOLATION-- CAN WE START OVER?
THAT GUY BLINKED.
OKAY?
STOP THE BLINKING.
IF YOUR EYES ARE THIRSTY, THEY CAN HAVE A DIET COKE LIKE THE
REST OF US."
( LAUGHTER ) "BOY, OH, BOY."