One day you're sitting at home playing video games and stuffing your face full of pizza
when suddenly your world goes black as a rag full of chloroform is thrown over your face.
The next thing you know you're waking up groggy and confused, and as your eyes adjust to the
dim lighting you're horrified to discover your body strapped up to what looks like an
elaborate torture device.
From out of the darkness a small ventriloquist dummy pedals out on a tiny tricycle as a pre-recorded
voice says, “Hello.
Do you want to play a game?”
Today we're pitting you, the average joe, up against Jigsaw, the demented killer from
the Saw franchise.
First, this isn't going to be like a typical death match, because in the end Jigsaw is
nothing more than a sick old man and even the average joe would have a pretty good chance
of just clobbering him to death in a fist fight.
Instead we're putting you right in some of Jigsaw's most famous traps, and we're going
to help you figure out how to escape intact so that you do in fact get a chance to clobber
the brilliant but demented engineer to death.
So think you’ve got what it takes to beat Jigsaw's games?
Let's find out.
Jigsaw thinks you've been wasting your life due to your video game habit.
You stuff your body full of soda and pizza while rotting your brain with video games
and being cruel to strangers all while pretending to be a tough guy on the internet.
Jigsaw wants to know just how badly you really want to live, he wants to help you realize
that there's more to life than video games, but the only way to do it in his sick, twisted
head, is to force you to mutilate yourself in a life or death struggle.
First up is the Oxygen Crusher.
You wake up with your arms held out to the sides and secured by chains, while leather
straps around your midsection hold you firmly in place.
An oxygen mask rests on your face and on either side of your torso are metal pistons, and
you realize that you're basically inside a giant mechanical vice.
Across from you is another random joe, and a pre-recorded voice starts speaking: This
game is easy, whoever can hold their breath the longest wins.
With a click you feel the machinery come to life around you, and instinctively you gasp
for breath.
Big mistake, this makes the two pistons on either side of you squeeze closer together,
crushing your body just slightly.
You realize that the mask measures the air you breathe in, and if you breathe in too
much, you'll get crushed to death.
The goal is simple: take a deep breath and hold it longer than the other guy.
So the goal is to hold your breath, how can you ensure you hold your breath the longest?
You may want to follow the advice of deep-sea free divers such as the men and women who
dive 65 or more feet without the aid of any breathing equipment.
The Bajau are a people from Malaysia and Indonesia who make their living diving to depths of
65 feet to collect pearls, clams, and other goodies off the sea bed.
From them we can learn several tricks to extending how long we hold our breath.
First, don't hyperventilate- many of you have probably done just this in breath-holding
contests with friends as a kid.
The thinking is that doing so will oxygenate the blood, which lets you hold your breath
longer, and there is some truth to this.
But hyperventilating actually just lowers the level of CO2 in your blood without increasing
the oxygen level, which means you're holding your breath longer not because of an increase
in oxygen but because of a decrease in CO2- so you're in no way reaching your maximum
breath-holding potential.
Instead take in a full deep breath that uses all of your lung capacity.
Typically we breathe with only the upper part of our lungs- if when you breathe in you see
your chest and shoulders rise, then you're not breathing with all of your lungs.
According to a freediving expert, you want to take a full, deep breath by sucking in
air with your mouth, filling in your lungs from the diaphragm up.
Don't rush the breath though, slowly let your lungs fill until you start to feel it at your
sternum.
Then the very top of your lungs will fill causing your chest and shoulders to rise.
This process should take twenty seconds, but dramatically increase the amount of time you
can hold your breath.
The next step is mental though, and kicks in as you are holding your breath.
After a certain amount of time you'll start to feel the urge to take a breath in order
to purge the CO2 building up in your system.
You'll have to call upon all of your willpower to ignore this instinct to breath, which will
then lead to your diaphragm having convulsions.
This is the part that is hardest to fight through, but if you concentrate hard enough
you'll hit a point where your spleen will, as an emergency response, release 15% more
oxygen-rich blood held in storage for emergencies, straight into your bloodstream.
Free divers often feel a surge of energy when this happens, and is a secret to holding your
breath for minutes at a time.
So congratulations, you've survived jigsaw's first trap and let an innocent person be slowly
crushed to death instead of you!
On to trap 2!
After beating your opponent in a breath-holding contest, you now wake up in a metal cage suspended
from the ceiling.
Below you are several large and very nasty looking spikes, and you notice the bottom
of your cage is hinged.
A wire runs from a small motor and up above you to where you see a lever.
An idea dawns on you- you must pull the lever which will open the cage, but doing so will
drop you onto the spikes below.
This is actually a simple trap to escape from, and all it really requires is some pretty
good upper body strength.
The first thing you're going to want to do is to swing the cage back and forth like a
pendulum, that way when you do pull the lever and the bottom opens up, you can drop out
clear of the spikes below.
But be warned, because the moment you pull the lever you'll fall- so you better have
a good grip on the cage around you or you'll turn into a human skewer.
Simply wedge your feet into the openings made by the cage's bars and pull the lever, then
as the cage is swinging climb down, kick your legs to get the momentum of the cage going
again, and drop clear of the spikes to safety.
As far as traps go, we were pretty disappointed with this one in the films, but it would definitely
be our choice to find ourselves stuck inside of.
Ok, you got out easy on the last one, and this next one may seem simple, and it is,
but it's going to require that you have a very high degree of pain tolerance.
You wake up in a locked room, but discover a combination lock on the door.
The lock requires four numbers, and the numbers have been tattooed onto your wisdom teeth.
On the floor in front of you is a set of pliers and on the wall is a chart of the human mouth
with all the teeth labeled.
We think you know where this is going.
First, let's all be thankful jigsaw was kind enough to provide a handy reference chart,
which admittedly is not your standard evil villain move.
If it had been up to us, there would've been no chart and you’d be left ripping teeth
out blindly to find the numbers - so I guess we might be more sinister than our versus
subject.
Ok, so like we said, this one's simple, using the chart for reference all you’ve got to
do is put the pliers in place on your wisdom teeth and, well, pull.
It shouldn't take much force, typically just a few pounds of pressure is enough to pop
those suckers free, but it's going to hurt like all hell.
We recommend you think pleasant thoughts- some studies show that thinking of happy memories
can improve a person's pain tolerance dramatically.
So think about literally anything but teeth being ripped out, which might be tough to
do since you're the one actually ripping out your teeth one by one.
But hey, once they're out just think about the fact that wisdom teeth removal costs on
average between $75 and $200 per tooth, and if they are impacted it can cost as much as
$600!
With most adults eventually needing them removed, Jigsaw just saved you a fortune- yay American
health care!
Now you wake up suspended again, but this time from your feet.
Below you is a tall, open cylinder with a motorcycle sitting atop the cylinder.
Instead of wheels though, the motorcycle powers a set of gears which as the bike speeds up,
begin to turn a sharpened metal coil inside the cylinder.
The coil itself slowly narrows towards the bottom, but there resting on the floor of
the cylinder is a motorcycle brake.
The object is simple- reach out and squeeze the motorcycle brake to stop the cylinder.
Fail and you'll be slowly lowered into the narrowing coil to be cut to ribbons.
On its face, this one is terrifying, and admittedly being slowly lowered into a cylinder with
a sharpened metal coil spinning at several hundred rpms is good reason to wet yourself.
But this trap isn't particularly difficult to defeat, and instead relies on overpowering
your fear.
When you think about it logically, the trap is quite easily escaped.
The coil narrows at the bottom, near the motorcycle brake you must squeeze to shut it off- yet
it doesn't narrow so much as to make reaching the actual brake impossible, or even particularly
difficult.
All you have to do is wait for the rope to lower you far down enough that you can simply
reach out with one arm, past the narrow end of the spinning metal coil, and squeeze the
brake.
The real enemy here is fear, which will make you nervous and twitchy- and you don't have
much room to be panicking because swinging even just a few inches as you near the bottom
of the coil is going to get your arm cut off.
So calm down, take a deep breath and let it out.
Repeat a few times as the rope lowers you down.
Ignore the loud sound of the machine as you're being lowered in and try to clear your mind.
Then simply keep as still as you can on the rope and reach just one arm out ahead of you
and squeeze the brake.
Easy peasy.
You're almost done, but Jigsaw has saved the best - or at least the most horrific - for
last.
This game is simple, and the good thing is you're in complete control the entire time.
The bad thing is.. well, you'll find out.
You wake up in a room divided in two by metal grates.
Between the grates is a large scale, and the arms of each scale are empty- one arm is nearer
to you and the other is closer to your adversary - another rando victim lured into one of Jigsaw's
diabolical games.
On your head is a helmet with two screws pointing at your temples.
The object is simple- you have sixty seconds to make your side of the scale weigh more
than your opponent's, or the helmet will activate and drill the screws into your brain.
How are you going to get out of this one?
Behind you is a desk with several cutting implements, though they are all chained to
the table so no cheating and just chucking a knife onto the scale.
The implied solution is obvious: cut off pieces of your own flesh to tip the scales in your
favor.
However, and we did re-watch the movie to confirm these details- there is a very large,
heavy cleaver made available to you.
A cleaver which can easily smash through a few links of metal chain- so the first thing
you're going to do is smash the chains on everything you can to toss onto the scale
on your side, but you better move fast because your opponent is going to get the same idea.
Next you're gonna toss your shoes, your socks, every article of clothing you possibly can
is getting tossed on that scale.
But say that isn't enough, and you and your opponent are both left standing there completely
nude and about to die?
What flesh can you offer up to tip the scales?
Well, the victim who survives in the movie ends up chopping off her own arm, which admittedly
is pretty good way to win this game.
But for us, we like arms.
They're handy- pun intended- for things like waving at people, arm-wrestling contests,
and punching Jigsaw to death.
Your stomach fat is a pretty good alternative, and as long as you don't cut too deep you
should be safe from bleeding to death- at least until you can get medical attention.
Plus cosmetically speaking this is going to affect you the least- one good skin graft
and basically you'll just have carried out the world's quickest diet.
You might be tempted to go for the love handles next, but be careful, that's pretty close
to the kidneys and other organs which are very allergic to being stabbed.
We recommend instead you go for the butt, and carve your rump up like you're making
roast, because the butt is full of fat and very little of it is critical for keeping
you alive.
Plus you can always re-fatten your butt, and with plastic surgery you can bring back that
booty with a capital B.
Congratulations, you did it, you survived Jigsaw's traps and can finally face off with
the diabolical maniac killer who imprisoned you here in the first place.
Except no, you can't, because cancer already killed him.
See you were the winner of this You Versus all along, and the first game- the oxygen
crusher?
Well, that was just a test.
If you had taken the noble option and killed yourself to save the other person- remember,
we did tell you he was an innocent- the trap would have disarmed and you would both have
gone free, then discovered Jigsaw's fate.
Instead you were selfish, and now not only are you disfigured from cutting your own flesh
off, but you're responsible for several murders.
Aren't games fun?
Was this plot twist more or less disappointing than the last Saw movie?
Let us know in the comments, and as always if you enjoyed this video don't forget to
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