Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I have a tough question for you here today. Is it possible
to improve a marriage when only one is trying?
Alright, that's kind of a tricky question. I've got some good news and some bad news.
I'll finish up with the good news for you because there's a lot of hope.
First, the bad news, and this isn't even going to shock or surprise you. Marriage is a team sport.
To have ideal outcomes in a marriage, I think both partners need to be equally vested and engaged in
the processes that secure the marriage. So, that's the bad news. Can you do it by yourself?
Well, there's things you can do. I'm going to get to that but ultimately, it is a team sport.
Also, I don't know if this is part of the bad news or not but there are cultural
expectations and traditions that aren't necessarily helpful. Here's what I mean.
There's a common perception or belief out there that for this marriage to improve requires my
spouse to change something. Check in with your own beliefs about that and see if you're in that space.
I even have people who come to me and pay me for couples coaching with a full
expectation that I will collaborate with them to see if we can get their spouse to change.
Now, this is right about where I lose some people okay and where they want to fire
me I guess because I can't change their spouse. They're convinced that that's the only way to
a better marriage. Here's the problem with that kind of thinking. When we identify what someone
else could do to improve it creates an energy and a perception that could be labeled criticism.
Dr. John Gottman did some groundbreaking research on this very topic where he brags actually
in his book that he can predict divorce in one interview and he's about 80 percent accurate in
those predictions. How does he do it? He's looking for just that the idea or the thought that my
spouse needs to change creates that negative energy. They feel criticized. They become defensive
then there's the counter-attack, will you do this or that? And now, we're off to the races with this
conflict in the marriage and it started with the idea the thought, the belief, that
somebody else needs to change something. Now, I'm going to throw you a little bone here because
you're right. I mean, this marriage would be better if your spouse would improve.
But that's not what we're trying to solve right now. Because as soon as you think that
they can improve then we have that troubling dynamic of the conflict and the criticism. Remember
the question is, is it possible to improve a marriage when only one is trying? What if that one
is you and it is. Come on, let's be honest. You're the one watching the video, right?
You wish that your spouse would step up and do something else but what if they never do?
Does that mean that you have no hope of improving this thing? No. Now, I already acknowledge that
marriage is a team sport we get that and ideal outcomes are based on both partners
applying true and correct principles that are guaranteed to improve a marriage. Those principles
work. In fact, there's nine of them. I've honed this down into nine specific principles that in my
opinion are guaranteed to improve your marriage and it doesn't require anything from your spouse.
These are things that you can do personally. I'm going to share those principles with you.
You don't have to scramble to write them down or something. I've already done that for you. Just go
to drpauljenkins.com/9principles. The number 9, the word principles. I've already
put it together for you. Go get the pdf. It's just a one sheet I've got all nine principles right there
for you ready to go. I'll go over them really quickly. Pay attention because these principles
can all be personally applied. You don't need your spouse to do anything. You're going to see
as I go through these nine principles that your spouse could be doing a better job with at least
five of them and it's probably true your spouse could be doing a better job they could shape up.
But that's not helpful because it puts you back in criticism mode and that creates the conflicts.
So, as you listen to these principles I want you to think about how you personally could apply these
principles and this is how you can unilaterally change the game. Make improvements in the marriage
even if you're the only one who's trying. This is the good news. So listen up, here's the nine
principles. Starting at the top, positivity. When I say positivity remember, I am not a trite fluffy
motivational speaker just saying that from the stage, "Oh, just think positive", no. I'm a professional
psychologist. When I say positivity I'm talking about the proper operation of the equipment of
your own mind. This is not the lightweight fluff that we might be used to hearing all the time.
This is about psychology. Positivity is not ignoring the pain. It's not ignoring the problems
or the difficulties. It's intentionally choosing to steer your mind in a particular direction in
two different levels of engagement, evaluation and creation. I'm not going to get into the whole
thing right now there's other videos here on the channel where you can pick that up and that's what
we cover in our coaching programs, positivity. Second principle, values. Meaning, the why behind
your relationship. Get clear in your mind about why you created this relationship in the first place.
Sometimes life beats us up and we lose track of that. This is a powerful way for you to get
reconnected to your own why and the values that support this relationship. Principle number three,
humility. Humility in my definition is giving up our need to be right in exchange for being open.
It's huge. Coupled with humility is principle number four forgiveness and
it goes hand in hand with the humility. I think is our humility is our willingness to change our
own perspectives and behavior and forgiveness is allowing other people to do the same thing.
Forgiveness is also giving up our demand for a better past. How's that going for you anyway?
It's going to be a powerful way to improve this marriage, this relationship. Principle
number five, respect. I can ask kids as young as four or five years old, what does respect mean?
It means to be nice. Yeah, that's pretty good respect where you respect yourself
others and everything around you. This powers up your relationship as well. Principle number six,
love and when I talk about love it's kind of like positivity. I'm not talking you know the
meaningless way that we throw that word around sometimes. Love to me is not a feeling love is
a choice and there's a clear choice between love and hate. I use the word hate because people hate
the word hate. But think about it, all of our interactions with each other are going to be
either on the love side or on the hate side. Either a little or a lot and you get to decide which
which side your interactions are going to be on love it's a powerful choice. Principle number seven
compassion which has a lot to do with kindness and love but it's also the willingness to suffer
for or on behalf of some greater cause. The very roots of the word lead that direction.
Compassion, what are you truly committed to? Principle number eight, work. No surprises folks.
Productive outcomes depend on work. Things don't just magically poof into being. You get to do
the work to bring this about and finally, principle number nine.
Listen to all three words there's three in this particular principle the rest are just one word.
Wholesome recreational activities, alright. Now, all three words are important. I work in
a primarily conservative religious community and there's a lot of folks who delete the second word
and they just focus on wholesome activities. Come on people lighten up we gotta be having fun.
If we're not having fun we're doing something wrong and I've been to Vegas.
I know that there are recreational activities that are not particularly wholesome. So, let's
keep track of all three words. Wholesome recreational activities are a powerful way
to improve your marriage. I've just given you the nine principles. I know we didn't spend a lot of
time on him but I hit him rapid-fire. Remember, I've got a list of these for you
drpauljenkins.com/9principles. Go get it. Start working on those. Now a final thought
about the good news. The good news is you can improve this marriage even if you're
the only one trying. How are you gonna do that? Through application of those nine
principles. Get to work on them. A little warning and disclaimer, these are for personal use only.
Are you with me? These are not to use on your spouse. These are not to go
beat your spouse up or criticize or accuse or attack your spouse because they need to be doing
a better job with the nine principles. Even if that's true it's not helpful. You focus on what
you can do. I promise this will bring about some positive effects in your relationship
and every other aspect of your life really. Hey, thanks for jumping in on this video. The next one
up is how to reprogram your mind to stay strong and positive? You can see this is an important part
of relationships. It's going to help in other aspects of your life too. Cue that one up next.