( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EXCITED.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY, BY THE WAY.
I HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> Jon: YES, AND YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: I'M VERY EXCITED, THE WONDERFUL INCREDIBLY
TALENTED ACTRESS ROSAMUND PIKE IS HERE TONIGHT.
AND-- AND NOT ONLY THAT, MY DEAR FRIEND SIR PETER JACKSON IS HERE
TONIGHT TO TALK ABOUT THE BEATLE'S DOCUMENTARY "GET BACK."
WE TALKED ABOUT IT LAST WEEK.
YOU ALL, PLEASE, CHECK IT OUT.
FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE,
CAREFULLY BLENDING FOR YOU THE DAY'S NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL
FLOUR, EGGS, MILK, AND BUTTER, AND STRAINING IT INTO A FINE
BATTER TO MAKE DELICATE, YET INFORMATIVE COMEDY PANCAKES.
THEN I GLAZE THEM IN THE JUICE AND ZEST OF THE MOST RELEVANT
MIDNIGHT VALENCIA ORANGES, AND DOUSE IT ALL IN A FINE DELAMAIN
DE VOYAGE COGNAC, BEFORE FLAMBEING AND BASTING THEM TABLE
SIDE, TO SERVE YOU THE JAMES BEARD AWARD-WORTHY CREPES
SUZETTE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY, MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN THE BAGGAGE HOLD OF A GREYHOUND BUS
AS ITS BEING HOISTED BY THE SCRAPYARD CLAW TOWARD THE BURN
PIT, ESCAPE TO A NEARBY ABANDONED PRICE CHOPPER, WHERE I
SCROUNGE FOR OLD BREAD SCRAPS, BUSTED OPEN BAGS OF STAR FRUIT
CANDIES, AND EXPIRED EGGS, CHUCK IT ALL IN A DIRTY HUBCAP
AND SLAP IT OVER A TIRE FIRE BEFORE USING THE LEGS OF A
STAINED PAIR OF SWEATPANTS AS OVEN MITTS TO EXTRACT AND SERVE
THE DEMENTED TRANSIENT'S POUND CAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE."
IT'S JAZZ!
WHERE'S MY NOMINATION.
MEANWHILE, HERE IN NEW YORK CITY A STATUE OF THOMAS JEFFERSON WAS
REMOVED FROM CITY HALL AFTER 187 YEARS.
THERE HE IS BEING PLACED INTO A CRATE.
AND ONCE THEY'RE DONE, THE SAME CRATE WILL BE USED TO PACK UP
MAYOR BILL de BLASIO.
HISTORIANS AGREE THAT, OF COURSE, JEFFERSON SHOULD BE
REMEMBERED, BUT HE NEEDS TO BE CONTEXTUALIZED:
"MOVING THIS STATUE DOESN'T MEAN NEW YORKERS WILL FORGET WHO
THOMAS JEFFERSON WAS, BUT SOME OF THEM MIGHT LEARN FROM THE
CONTROVERSY THAT THE MAN WHO WROTE 'ALL MEN ARE CREATED
EQUAL,' OWNED OVER 600 OF HIS FELLOW HUMANS," A PROFESSOR AT
JOHN JAY COLLEGE OF CRIMINAL JUSTICE SAID.
( AS PROFESSOR )
DON'T BLINDLY HONOR MEN WHO OWNED SLAVES.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT TO GO BACK TO TEACHING MY
COURSES AT JOHN JAY COLLEGE-- HE WHAT???"
( LAUGHTER )
NEWS, OCTOPUSES WILL HAVE THEIR FEELINGS PROTECTED UNDER A NEW
U.K. LAW, WHICH RECOGNIZES THAT MANY SEA CREATURES ARE SENTIENT
BEINGS WITH THE CAPACITY TO HAVE FEELINGS, INCLUDING CRABS,
LOBSTERS, CRAYFISH, PRAWNS, AND SQUIDS.
SO, ALL THE ONES WE BOIL ALIVE?
THAT'S CLEARLY INHUMANE.
FROM NOW ON, WE STRANGLE 'EM FIRST.
( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, APPLE IS TARGETING 2025 TO LAUNCH A SELF-DRIVING
CAR WITHOUT A STEERING WHEEL, WHEN, I ASSUME, THEY'LL CHARGE
YOU 20 BUCKS FOR AN ADAPTER SO THAT YOU CAN USE YOUR OLD
STEERING WHEEL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, A WOMAN IN MICHIGAN IS GOING TO PRISON AFTER SHE
DECIDED SHE WANTED HER HUSBAND DEAD, SO SHE TRIED TO HIRE AN
ASSASSIN ONLINE AT rentahitman.com.
ALWAYS GOOD TO RENT A HITMAN BEFORE YOU BUY: LESS MAINTENANCE
AND YOU STILL GET THAT NEW HITMAN SMELL.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR THE WANNA-BE WIDOW, rentahitman.com IS A
FAKE WEBSITE RUN BY BOB INNES, A 54-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO FORWARDS
ANY SERIOUS INQUIRIES TO LAW ENFORCEMENT, AND WHO USES THE
FAKE HIT MAN NAME GUIDO FANELLI.
( LAUGHTER )
CULTURAL STEREOTYPE THERE, BOB.
I'M SURPRISED THE WEBSITE DIDN'T HAVE A LITTLE PIZZA CHEF
WITH A GUN.
"I'M-A MAKE-A THE MURDER SAUCE!" WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ROSAMUND PIKE.
♪ ♪ ♪