TONIGHT, TONIGHT IS IS-- TONIGHT IS A
HUGE NIGHT IN POLITICS.
IT'S THE FOURTH REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE.
NOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET BECAUSE WE TAPE THIS SHOW
EARLY-- AND ALSO BECAUSE "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME--" BUT TONIGHT ONE
THING WE KNOW IS TONIGHT IS MAKE OR BREAK FOR JEB!, WHO
BEEN STRUGGLING TO SHOW HE CAN BE A STRONG LEADER.
BUT YESTERDAY, IN RESPONSE TO A QUESTION HE GOT ON THE INTERNET,
GOVERNOR BUSH TOOK A BOLD STAND.
>> "IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL BABY HITLER, WOULD YOU
DO IT?" HELL, YEAH, I WOULD!
>> Stephen: HELL, YEAH, HE WOULD!
THAT'S POLITICS 101: SHAKE THE HAND, KISS THE BABY, KILL BABY
HITLER!
NOW, JUST TO BE CLEAR, CAN WE PUT UP A PICTURE OF JEB BUSH'S
INTENDED TARGET?
THERE YOU GO.
REMEMBER, IT'S HITLER!
CAN WE HITLER HIM UP A LITTLE BIT?
THERE YOU GO.
LOOK AT THOSE EVIL LITTLE CHEEKS!
WHO'S THE GREATEST MONSTER OF THE 20th CENTURY?
YOU ARE!
YOUR UNCLE JEB'S GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU!
STABBITY, STAB, STAB.
( LAUGHTER ) SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO IT.
AND THIS IS A DANGEROUS MISSION BECAUSE JEB OF ALL PEOPLE KNOWS
THE HIGH STAKES OF TIME TRAVEL.
>> THE PROBLEM WITH GOING BACK IN HISTORY AND DOING THAT IS, AS
WE KNOW FROM THE SERIES, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE MICHAEL FOX
MOVIES?
>> "BACK TO THE FUTURE"?
>> "BACK TO THE FUTURE."
IT HAS-- IT COULD HAVE A DANGEROUS EFFECT ON EVERYTHING
ELSE.
>> THERE'S A LOT TO CONSIDER.
>> BUT I'D DO IT.
I MEAN, HITLER!
>> Stephen: YES, AS WE LEARNED IN "BACK TO THE FUTURE,"
STARRING WELL-KNOWN ACTOR MICHAEL FOX, TIME TRAVEL COULD
HAVE ALL KINDS OF UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES.
I MEAN, REMEMBER GERMAN REICH MARSHAL WOLFGANG MEINHARDT?
NO, OF COURSE, YOU DOANLTS BECAUSE SOMEONE WENT BACK IN
TIME AND KILLED HIM AS A BABY, PREVENTING WORLD WAR 1.5
AND YET, WORLD WAR II HAPPENED ANYWAY.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S WHY IT'S SO CRUCIAL THIS
QUESTION COMES UP AT TONIGHT'S DEBATE.
WHEN TIME TRAVEL TECHNOLOGY ARRIVES, YOU KNOW THE PRESIDENT
WILL BE THE FIRST ONE TO USE IT.
AND YOU WANT A TRUSTWORTHY LEADER AT THE HELM OF "TIME
FORCE ONE," SOMEONE WHO'LL USE IT RESPONSIBLY AND NOT WASTE IT
ON TAKING JESUS ON A PTERADACTYL RIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE FUN.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT WE'VE GOT TO HAVE
PRIORITIES.
NOW, BEN CARSON HAS SAID IF HE COULD GO BACK IN TIME HE WOULD
PREVENT THE HOLOCAUST BY GIVING JEWS GUNS.
OF COURSE, BEN CARSON WOULDN'T KILL HITLER HIMSELF.
AS A DOCTOR, HE SWORE: FIRST, DO NO HARM.
SECOND, GIVE EVERYONE GUNS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I'M NOT RUNNING FOR
PRESIDENT, BUT HERE'S WHAT I WOULD DO WITH A TIME MACHINE:
>> Audience: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: IF I WAS, HERE'S WHAT I WOULD DO WITH A TIME
MACHINE.
I, TOO, WOULD TRAVEL BACK TO THE TIME OF BABY HITLER, BUT THIS IS
WHERE ME AND JEB'S TIMESTREAMS START TO DIVERGE BECAUSE I
WOULDN'T KILL YOUNG ADOLF.
I WOULD TAKE HIM FROM HIS PARENTS AND RAISE HIM WITH LOVE.
HEAR ME OUT, OKAY.
I WOULD GIVE HITLER A SAFE, SUPPORTIVE HOME.
ALL THE WHILE, I WOULD WATCH HIM LIKE A HAWK.
I WOULDN'T LET HIM JOIN ANYTHING WHERE YOU HAVE TO WEAR A
UNIFORM.
NO CUB SCOUTS, NO LITTLE LEAGUE, DEFINITELY NO MARCHING BAND.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'D TEACH BABY HITLER THAT WE DON'T SOLVE OUR
PROBLEMS WITH VIOLENCE.
AND THEN, IF HE STARTS GETTING MOUTHY AS A TEENAGER, I'LL STICK
A KNIFE IN HIS RIBS AND SNAP OFF THE HANDLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY?
AND IF THAT ATTACK FAILS, AND THE HORROR OF BEING STABBED BY
A PERSON HE THINKS IS HIS FATHER, TURNS HIM INTO A
MONSTROUS DICTATOR, IT'S EASILY FIXABLE.
I'LL JUST GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL BABY ME.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, UNLESS WE ALREADY ARE.