I think parents were given to us
to embarrass us.
You ever notice that?
My mom would introduce me like this.
She would say, "this is my son,
"and he's husky."
(audience laughing)
Thanks, mom.
But seriously, everywhere "he's husky.
"Look at him."
(audience laughing)
And to be fair, the only place
we could get my jeans was Sears.
Oh, I got some people--
believers in here, right?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, we go over one little section
right over in the corner.
Giant letters on the back
of the jeans--
husky.
(audience laughing)
It's a Greek word.
I don't know if you know this.
I looked it up.
It means "pick me last."
(audience laughing)
And they did.
I'm telling you.
(audience laughing)
And they weren't cool kid jeans.
They weren't like Guess or Jordache.
They were so thick they were
like four pair of jeans melted
together.
(audience laughing)
And they made a sound
when you walk.
It's like this like
(funny noise)
Terrible for hide and go seek.
(audience laughing)
Everybody's just like,
Listen for Hoss.
He has husky jeans on.
(audience laughing)
I think you can hear him sweat.
(water sounds)
I sweat a lot.
I'm telling you.
(audience laughing)
My mom has a lot of sayings.
And maybe you can finish these.
Like, you're getting on my last--
- Nerve.
- nerve.
That's right.
I always say, why don't you tell me
three nerves ago
I'd have slowed down.
(audience laughing)
Right?
And then got dessert.
Sorry, just at my house, OK?
Or she would say things like,
"Go chase your dreams."
I can't.
I have asthma and husky jeans.
(audience laughing)
The friction alone-- pffs.
You know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
She would say this to me.
Sometimes she would say,
"go to your room
"until you learn how to act."
OK.
Come out a few minutes later,
"Hark, what light through yonder
"window breaks?
"It is the East,
"and Juliet is the Sun.
"Arise, fair son,
"and kill the envious moon."
(audience laughing)
Shakespeare.
Thank you.
(audience cheering)
Romeo sounded like Sean Connery
there for a minute.
I see you.
You're ugly.
Or my favorite, she would say,
"you can't go swimming until 30
"minutes after you eat."
I never learned to swim.
(audience laughing)
I hope to this summer, though.
It'd be great.
Man, my dad had sayings, too.
And his all rhymed.
Like, it's time to go to school,
and I have three brothers.
And he lines us all up first day
of school.
And he says,
"if you don't get whooped trying
"to whoop the guy that whooped
"your brother, you're going to get
"whooped when you get home."
(audience laughing)
Thanks, Dr. Seuss.
(audience laughing)
Here's the only thing I know
about that rhyme.
At some point and today,
I'm going to get whooped.
(audience laughing)
He would also say this one.
Maybe you can finish this.
"You go to your room.
"I'll be there in a--
- Jiffy.
- --jiffy.
He never said "jiffy."
(audience laughing)
Man, I wished my dad
would have said that.
He'd be like, "you go to your room,
"and I'll be there in a jiffy."
I was like, great, Dad.
I'll get the Scrabble game out.
It's going to be awesome.
(audience laughing)
He's like, "you go to your room.
"I'll be there in a minute."
OK.
Somebody said second, but my dad
wasn't that quick.
OK?
(audience laughing)
Or he'd say things like,
"If you don't stop crying,
"I'll give you away."
(audience laughing)
I guess giving you away is something
to cry about.
(audience laughing)
Different dads, I guess.
(audience laughing)
I used to get in trouble
all the time, though.
My dad's a minister.
And I'd find the Idea Box
at the church, the lost and found.
And I'd be lost
in my own little world.
I'd find that little metal
flashlight from the '60s.
And I'd all of a sudden
be in Star Wars world.
(light saber sounds)
(Darth Vader sound)
Which incidentally, I make now
with my CPAP, that same sound.
(audience laughing)
But my dad would see me
across the room at church.
And if you're a parent,
you've learned this trick.
Yell at your kids
without saying a single word.
Have you done this?
Yeah, my dad would be like this.
(audience laughing)
I'd run over there.
And he's like, "did you not hear me?"
No.
(audience laughing)
Then he'd say something silly like,
"don't make me count to three."
And then I'd say, why, because you
can't get there?
(audience laughing)
And that's when he became
a ventriloquist.
(audience laughing)
Before, no noise came out.
Now, noise, no mouth movement.
He'd get angry.
He's like, "I told you
"to get over here.
"Look at me.
"Look at me, son.
"Look at me.
(audience cheering)
"Don't run, silly, because I can hear
"you in those husky jeans."
(audience laughing)
That's my dad.
(audience laughing)
Oh, he also said, "if I don't know
"who did it, you're all going to get it."
Anybody else's dad like that?
Man!
And when it was time to get
in trouble, my brother always
did it.
And I got it first because I was
the slow one.
Like, on the basketball court,
you can go to the right, bad knee,
score all day.
But when it was time to go
to spanky town, I was like, oh,
don't take me to spanky town.
My dad was like Mr. Fantastic.
His arm comes across the room.
And I look down.
I'm like, "run for your lives.
"I'm caught in the tractor beam."
And in one move, my dad could pull
me across the room, turn me around,
bend me over, pull out his belt that
would magically fold in half right
before he destroyed me.
And you heard every belt loop
on the way out.
It's like,
(belt sound)
(audience laughing)
He was husky, too.
You know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
Our mom would spank us.
But it's the weirdest thing.
She could conjure up my dad's belt
out of thin air.
She would just look at you
and reach behind her back.
Poof!
I can just imagine.
My dad's at the church office.
And he goes, "where'd my belt go?
(audience laughing)
"I guess one of them did it.
"I hope they all get it."
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Man, I love sports.
But I wasn't any good at sports
growing up.
I loved baseball.
It was one of my favorites.
Everybody's looking at me like,
don't you mean football?
No.
So I love baseball.
But I wasn't really good.
And I remember one year,
they changed the districts in our town.
So I got to be on two
different teams,
on the bench on both of them.
I remember asking the coach when
we were up, can I get in, Coach?
And he's like, "have a seat."
Then I saw my dad jumped
to his feet, face turn red.
And he's like, good eye, Coach.
Good eye.
(audience laughing)
"That's not how we use that, Dad."
(audience laughing)
But then we moved to Pennsylvania.
And I heard that wrestling was
huge in Pennsylvania.
And since I was
huge in Pennsylvania,
I thought that would be
a great combination.
And so here's the problem, though.
A couple of problems with wrestling,
the first problem is, at a wrestling
meet, they weigh you
in your underwear in front
of everyone.
Exactly.
Then they take a Sharpie
and write your weight on your arm.
I was 10 years old.
I weighed 110 pounds.
And that's exactly how everybody
else reacts.
(audience laughing)
Super silent.
They take that Sharpie.
And they'd be like, 110, husky.
(audience laughing)
And the final problem is they would
hand me a 1920 swimsuit to wear.
(audience laughing)
They called it a singlet.
(audience laughing)
Do you know what a kid who weighs
110 pounds who's 10 years old
looks like in a singlet?
Here's the visual.
Go to your refrigerator,
grab a can of biscuits,
pull back the paper--
husky.
You know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)