>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS KATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
LET'S SEE, TONIGHT, LOUIS. TONIGHT WE HAVE THE LOVELY, THE
TALENTED CONNIE BRITTON IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE.
AND DANIEL RICCIARDO, F1, FORMULA 1.
LISTEN TO THAT. I SWEAR TO GOD FIVE YEARS AGO
YOU WOULD NOT NEVADA AMERICAN CROWD SCREAMING FOR F1 RACING.
FOLKS, IT'S ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, TIME TO DUMP YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE IN
YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DRIVEWAY. VALENTINE'S DAY ALSO MEANS
VALENTINE'S CARDS. BUT NOT EVERY CARD GETS IT RIGHT
ON THE FIRST TRY, SO WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THOSE
EARLY ATTEMPTS IN OUR SEGMENT: "FIRST DRAFTS."
>> STUPID! >> Stephen: OF COURSE,
LONG TIME VIEWERWS KNOW VALENTINE'S ISN'T COMPLETE
WITHOUT MY FAVORITE AND FOREVER VALENTINE,
MY WONDERFUL WIFE, EVIE! HELLO, DARLING.
YOU LOOK LOVELY. HEY.
SIT DOWN. THERE YOU GO.
HAPPY EARLY VALENTINES. WE HAVE A LITTLE CHAMPAGNE RIGHT
HERE. THESE ARE, THESE ARE, WHAT ARE
THESE CALLED, WHAT? >> MACARONS.
>> Stephen: FROM PARIS. >> DID YOU FLY THERE?
>> Stephen: I DID, THIS MORNING.
IT'S THERE FOR YOU IF YOUR SUGAR LEVELS ARE LOW.
DARLING, SO LOVELY TO SEE YOU. >> LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU SINCE 2:00.
DARLING, YOU KNOW HOW THIS RULES RIGHT HERE, LET ME EXPLAIN TO
THE PEOPLE WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO DO.
IN FIRST DRAFTS, WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU HAND ME THE FIRST CARD, IF
YOU DON'T MIND IF I WILL SHOW IT TO THE PEOPLE.
A LOVELY VALENTINE'S CARD, THE KIND YOU MIGHT BUY IN A STORE
BUT THEN YOU'LL SHOW ME THE FIRST DRAFT, THE ONE NOT GOOD
ENOUGH TO BE SOLD BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING SUBSTANDARD ABOUT
THE MESSAGE INSIDE. HAVE I EXPLAINED THE PREMISE THE
PREMISE EFFICIENTLY? >> Evie: YES.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY DARLING, MAY HAVE THE FIRST
CARD? THIS ONE IS CLASSIC.
"ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE,
SUGAR IS SWEET AND SO ARE YOU." BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
"ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE.
OH, DAMN! OUR GENDER REVEAL STARTED
A WILDFIRE! RUN!"
>> Evie: THAT'S TRUE. THAT HAPPENS.
>> Stephen: WE HAD OUR CHILDREN BEFORE GENDER REVEAL
WAS A THING. >> Evie: WE DIDN'T FIND OUT.
>> Stephen: WE DID NOT. >> Evie: THE GENDER REVEAL
HAPPENED WHEN THEY WERE BORN. >> Stephen: THEY CAME OUT AND
YOU WENT, OH, THERE YOU GO. THERE IT IS, EXACTLY.
REMEMBER WHEN OUR FIRST SON WAS BORN, THE NURSE WENT, CAN
ANYBODY TELL ME WHAT THIS IS? WHEN TOM HANKS WAS ON RECENTLY,
HE CLUED ME TO THE IDEA OF DIET COLA IN YOUR CHAMPAGNE AND HE
CALLS IT DIET COCAINE. >> Evie: I AM READY.
HAVE YOU TRIED IT? >> Stephen: I TRIED IT WITH
TOM THAT NIGHT. >> Evie: THANK GOD, JANUARY.
WE DID DRY JANUARY. >> Stephen: WE DID DAMP
JANUARY. WE WERE NOT DRY.
EXPLAIN TO THE PEOPLE WHAT DAMP JANUARY IS.
>> Evie: WE DRINK ON THE WEEKEND BUT NOT EVERY WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T. >> Evie: GOOD RIDDANCE,
JANUARY. >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT BAD,
RIGHT? >> Evie: IT'S A LITTLE ODD.
>> Stephen: NEXT CARD. THIS ONE'S CUTE.
"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! I LOVE YOU BEAR-Y MUCH!"
BEAUTIFUL. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! DID YOU KNOW KOALA BEARS
HAVE FORKED PENISES? NOT SO CUDDLY NOW,
ARE THEY?" THAT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE. HAVE A FORK AT THE END.
>> Evie: SCIENCE FACT. >> Stephen: YOU LEARN
SOMETHING EVERY DAY ON "FIRST DRAFTS."
SOMEBODY ASKED ME BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED, YOUNG LADY RIGHT
OVER THERE ASKED ME ABOUT THE DAY WE GOT ENGAGED, THE DAY I
ASKED YOU TO MARRY ME AND I TOLD THEM THE STORY.
DO YOU REMEMBER THE STORY? LET'S SEE IF YOU REMEMBER IT
LIKE I DO. IT'S VERY NEWLYWED'S GAME.
FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN MARRIED 29 YEARS.
THE NEWLYWEDS GAME GETS HARDER AFTER 29 YEARS.
WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER? TAKE IT FROM US GOING TO
CHARLESTON. >> Evie: NO.
>> Stephen: THE FACT THAT YOU WERE MAD AT ME THAT I DIDN'T
CALL YOU FOR 24 HOURS WHEN WE GOT TO CHARLESTON.
>> Evie: I HAVE FORGIVEN YOU. >> Stephen: THAT'S RECENT.
GO AHEAD. GO AHEAD.
>> Evie: HERE'S WHAT I REMEMBER.
HERE'S WHAT I REMEMBER. WE WENT FOR A LOVELY WALK AND WE
WERE IN THE BATTERY IN CHARLESTON AND THE GAZEBO AND
YOU ASKED ME IF I WOULD MARRY YOU AND I SAID, AND THIS SAYS A
LOT ABOUT ME, NOT ABOUT YOU. I SAID, ARE YOU SURE?
HOW STUPID IS THAT? >> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T SAY IT
LIKE THAT. YOU SAID "ARE YOU SURE."
YOU LEFT OUT THE PART WHERE YOU WERE MAD AT ME IN THE CAR FOR
LOOKING LIKE I WAS SICK. >> Evie: I DON'T REMEMBER
THAT. >> Stephen: WE WERE DRIVING
AROUND AND I WAS SO NERVOUS TO ASK YOU TO MARRY ME THAT MY FACE
WAS BEET RED AND YOU TURNED TO ME AND YOU ARE DRIVING RELY,
DON'T GET SICK AT CHRISTMAS. ARE YOU GETTING SICK?
>> Evie: THAT IS SO MEAN OF ME.
I AM SORRY. >> Stephen: I HAVE SET IT FOR
YEARS. YOU ARE AN AWFUL, AWFUL MEAN
PERSON. I WAS SO NERVOUS.
NO, I FEEL FINE. I SAID, COULD YOU PULL OVER HERE
BY THE PARK? YOU ARE LIKE, NOW YOU ARE SICK
AND WE HAVE TO STOP BY THE PARK? LET'S GO FOR A WALK.
OH, MY GOD. >> Evie: [LAUGHS]
I THINK THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE. >> Stephen: IT IS TRUE.
YOU HAVE REWRITTEN THIS IN YOUR HEAD.
THIS ONE SAYS THERE'S ONLY ONE QUESTION THIS VALENTINE'S DAY,
WILL YOU BE MINE? THE FIRST DRAFT SAID
"THRE'S ONLY QUESTION THIS VALENTINE'S DAY.
ARE THE POTS DONE SOAKING, ALAN? IT'S BEEN A WEEK."
THAT'S TRUE. CAN I SEE THAT?
>> Evie: IT'S THE LAST ONE. >> Stephen: DARLING,
THANK YOU. THIS ONE IS FUN.
IT SAYS, "YOU'RE HOT STUFF!
I WANT YOU TO BE MY VALENTINE." VERY TRUE.
YOU ARE HOT STUFF. >> Evie: DO YOU LIKE MY PANTS?
>> Stephen: ARE THEY LEATHER? >> Evie: KIND OF.
THEY ARE VEGAN LEATHER. >> Stephen: SO THEY ARE NOT
LEATHER. >> Evie: THEY ARE FANCY.
>> Evie: OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
>> Stephen: I THINK IT'S INAPPROPRIATE FOR ME TO BE
STROKING YOUR LEG ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: "YOU'RE HOT STUFF!
ANY CHANCE YOU COULD DRESS UP LIKE THE CHOLULA LADY?"
NOW, YOU MAY BE SAYING, "I WISH MY SPOUSE COULD GIVE ME
FAILED GREETING CARDS." WELL, GUESS WHAT, FOLKS.
NOW THEY CAN. BECAUSE NOW YOU CAN ORDER YOUR
VERY OWN SET OF FIRST DRAFTS. EACH BOX COMES WITH PAIRS
OF CARDS FOR SIX DIFFERENT HOLIDAYS.
ONE CARD THAT IS NORMAL LIKE YOU'D FIND IN A STORE, FOLLOWED
BY A NOT-SO-GREAT FIRST DRAFT. EVIE NOT INCLUDED.
TO GET YOURS, GO TO
ColbertLateShow.com/FirstDrafts OR SCAN THIS QR CODE.
ALL LATE SHOW PROCEEDS WILL GO DIRECTLY TO
WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH CONNIE BRITTON.