If you're getting tired of all these primaries and voting
and democracy as a whole, there's good news.
There's an alternative-- fascism.
Yeah. You know, it's a word I've heard my whole life,
but I didn't really know what it was.
So the other day, I did some in-depth research
by Googling it at stop lights, and, uh,
-I found a list of... -(laughter)
That's not even me. I don't even know how they got that.
-(laughter) -I don't even know how they got that.
And I found a list of some
of the defining features of fascism, including...
"A cult of action, a celebration of aggressive masculinity,
"an intolerance of criticism, a fear of outsiders,
"intense nationalism
and resentment at national humiliation."
Now, it's hard to keep all those things in mind,
but I've come up with a handy mnemonic device.
You just listen to things said by Donald Trump.
I get things done better than anybody.
They're fed up with those guys back there.
-The media. They are the worst. -(cheering)
They're the worst.
I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue
and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters.
A total and complete shutdown
of Muslims entering the United States.
He's walking out like big high fives, smiling, laughing.
Like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you.
We never win. We just don't win.
We are going to make America great again.
(Noah laughing)
(laughter)
Oh, I'm (bleep) myself.
(laughter)
No, because it all lines up so perfectly, doesn't it?
Yeah. It almost... it almost kind of stops being funny
as you're watching it.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
It's still funny for me
because I have a backup plan country.
-Don't get me wrong. -(laughter)
No. And you're all welcome to join. Don't get me wrong.
You're all welcome to join.
(applause and cheering)
And now, I'm not saying that Donald Trump is a fascist,
but even just in the last few days,
he's said and done some things that...
make it a pretty fascist week.
-♪ ♪ -(laughter)
-Oh, yeah! -(laughter)
All right, I know you guys are all excited
for Fascist Week 2016, so let's get right into it.
Our first look from the House of Trump,
a name that came up repeatedly this weekend--
the Benito Mussolini.
The Republican frontrunner was confronted
with questions Sunday about retweeting a quote
from fascist leader Benito Mussolini.
Now, it reads, quote,
"It is better to live one day as a lion
than 100 years as a sheep."
Now, now, to be fair, I don't blame Trump
for retweeting a quote he didn't know was
from the father of fascism,
who was also Nazi Germany's greatest ally.
I don't blame him for that, uh, and I-I...
No, I have to play devil's advocate here, you know,
because that's not an obvious fascist quote.
I mean, sure it could be a fascist motto,
but I'm sure it's also on the wall
of every CrossFit gym in America, you know?
(laughter)
And, uh, and by the way, personally,
I'll take living 100 years as a sheep every time.
I'm gonna go with that.
No, I mean, it's a really nice life.
You chill in a field all day, you eat some grass.
And you really like grass because you're a sheep.
You're a sheep. You're just living your life.
One day as a lion,
you're just gonna be chasing down and killing things.
It sounds exhausting. And then, at the end of the day,
you're gonna get killed by some (bleep) dentist from Minnesota.
-(laughter and groaning) -I, uh...
-Yeah, hashtag "never forget." -(laughter, applause)
I'm going with sheep.
But here's the thing.
Once you do know that it's a Mussolini quote,
then at that point... you should probably care.
NEWSMAN: Do you like the quote? Did you know it was Mussolini?
Sure. It's okay to know it's Mussolini.
Look, Mussolini was Mussolini. It's okay to...
It's a very good quote, it's a very interesting quote,
and I know... I saw...
I saw what... I know who said it.
Uh, but what difference does it make
whether it's Mussolini or somebody else?
Do you want to be associated with a fascist?
No, I want to be associated with interesting quotes.
(laughter)
Well, you got your wish, Donald Trump.
There were so many things happening in that interview.
First of all, why does it take you so long to think?
Do you want to be associated with fascists?
Mmm... Why is there an "mmm"?
And then he goes, "Oh, it doesn't make a difference."
What difference does it make who said...?
It makes a huge difference.
Take the phrase... take any phrase.
Uh, "If at first you don't succeed,
try, try and try again."
Smart advice, right? Yeah.
But did you know that that's a Hitler quote?
Yeah.
-Well, it's not. -(laughter)
But you see, for a second there, everyone in this room was like,
"Oh, no!
I've said that to my child!"
(laughter)
It's everything.
So, Donald Trump isn't bothered by re-tweeting a quote
from the man who invented fascism.
But how about endorsing a key feature of fascism itself?
You know, in America, if you're a journalist,
you're protected from getting sued by politicians
for reporting on them.
And in that spirit, the House of Trump presents
the next look: media censorship.
One of the things I'm gonna do if I win...
I'm gonna open up our libel laws so when they write...
purposely negative and horrible and false articles,
we can sue them and win lots of money.
-(cheering) -We're gonna open up those libel laws.
Now, now, this is especially concerning,
because if this man had his way with libel laws,
then the media would never be able to report
on President Trump's shady business dealings
or his dubious policies
or the fact that he wants to bang his daughter.
-Um... -(laughter)
Oh, don't forget...
Donald Trump wants to bang his daughter.
(applause, whooping)
And so with that said, it's now on to our final,
most daring look from the House of Trump--
an edgy twist on the classic white sheet
as worn by former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke,
who recently told his followers to vote for Trump.
Will you unequivocally condemn David Duke
and say that you don't want his vote
or that of other white supremacists in this election?
Well, just so you understand,
I don't know anything about David Duke, okay?
I don't know anything about what you're even talking about
with, uh, white supremacy or white supremacists.
Would you just say unequivocally you condemn them
and you don't want their support?
Well, I have to look at the group.
I mean, I don't know what group you're talking about.
Okay. I mean, I'm just talking about David Duke
and the Ku Klux Klan here, but...
I don't know any... honestly, I don't know David Duke.
I don't believe I've ever met him,
I'm pretty sure I didn't mean him,
and I just don't know anything about him.
(laughter, groans)
I've got to give props to Jake Tapper.
Did you see him... just holding himself...
"I mean, okay, I'm just talking about the Ku Klux Klan, and..."
You know, and he's going, "I can't believe
-"this is even my job. -(laughter)
How am I having to say this to a candidate?"
And also, Trump needs to find out more about the KKK?
Really? The KKK?
Like, Trump is there going, "I mean, sure,
"that could stand for anything, like, uh, I don't know,
"Kool Kids Klub. I don't know, I don't know.
Who am I to turn down the support of kool kids?"
Oh, and by the way, Donald Trump,
we know you know who David Duke is,
uh, from that time you were on TV.
What do you see as the biggest problem
with the Reform Party right now?
Well, you've got David Duke just joined.
A bigot, a racist, a problem.
I mean, this is not exactly the people you want in your party.
(audience ooh-ing)
"This is not exactly the people you want in your party."
Yeah. And the irony is, I think there's a lot if Republicans
saying that now, too.