Tell you about my name,
I got a weird name.
Anybody has weird names,
they know what my pain
has been my whole life.
My first name is Kier,
can you say it?
- [Audience] Kier.
- Kier is short for Kieran.
Kieran sounds kind of like
a girl's name, doesn't it?
(audience laughing)
Hey, shut up.
(audience laughing)
Had a complex about
my name when I was a kid,
I was always getting teased,
I was always getting beaten up.
This happened again yesterday.
(audience laughing)
Third grade, I shortened it
from Kieran to Kier.
People say, "What'd that get you?"
I said, that got me a name
a little bit closer to Buck.
(audience laughing)
Got home from school one day.
I said, mom, let's have a talk.
Why did you give me that name?
Now what I want you to know
about my mom,
super duper positive.
(audience laughing)
She thinks everybody in here
is gonna do something great.
She's so positive,
all my life, so positive.
Her name, Hope.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, who needs that pressure?
Used to have a game, I'd call
my mom from the road, right?
I'd think up something
ridiculously terrible
that had not happened.
Just to see if she's up
to flipping it positive.
Hey, mom, this is Kier,
I'm on the road,
and I kind of robbed a bank today.
Mom, I got busted, and I'm going
to jail for about 20 years.
Mom, 20 years.
She said, "Sweetheart,
"you needed a rest."
(audience laughing)
She said the reason
they named me Kieran,
big name in Ireland.
Big wuss name where I grew up.
The only good thing to
come out of that conversation
is later in the day I got to thinking
maybe there's a kid
in Ireland named Buck
getting his butt whipped.
(audience laughing)
My last name is worse
than my first name,
my last name is Remiter,
Irmiter, something like that.
(audience laughing)
Not sure how to say it.
(audience laughing)
It's a German name.
Guess we got some
German names here,
it's a German name,
it translates into,
"Cows dying in the field."
(audience laughing)
And I found out recently,
not a good joke at the
Kansas Cattleman's Association.
(audience laughing)
They were not down
with that joke at all.
It's weird.
It's a weird thing.
A lot of people worrying
about identity theft,
in this day and age,
everybody's thinking
about identity theft.
With the name Kieran Irmiter,
I'm actually praying for it.
(audience laughing)
When I was flying a couple weeks
ago, I was on a Southwest flight,
this really happened.
The guy that takes your ticket,
before you go down the jet way,
he was super friendly.
He was making a point of
saying everybody's name.
Like the guy in front of me, he goes,
"Well, thank you, Mr. Hughes,
"and have a good flight."
I gave him my ticket, I said,
give it a shot.
(audience laughing)
And he said, "I'm good."
(audience laughing)
I swear.
Now I don't know if it's
cause of having a weird name,
but I never had
good luck with women.
This has been a bad area all my life.
I don't know if I have
any single guys in the room
that's just sad if we do,
but when I was 16 years old,
women did not know I existed,
but this is a big thing
that happened to me,
my best friend made
a suggestion that changed my life.
He said, "Dude,
"I've been thinking about
"what a loser you are with women,
"you know I care about you, man."
I said, thanks.
He said, "I have a suggestion."
I said, hit me, man,
I'm up for anything.
He said, "Why don't you
"learn to play guitar
"'cause chicks dig it?"
I said, man, that is a great idea.
So I was 16, learning to play guitar.
Ladies, found out pretty quick,
it makes no difference.
(audience laughing)