- I know it's kind of a thing on YouTube
or RuPaul's Drag Race to give advice to your younger self,
but I've been thinking about myself when I was 18
and just coming out a bunch recently,
and I'm like realizing that I was like pretty brave
and bad-ass then,
and in fact, I think my 18 year old self
might have some really important advice
for my 35 year old self today.
So that's what I want to talk about.
But first, hey there.
If you don't already know me, my name is Brian G. Murphy.
I'm an activist, educator and certified relationship coach,
whether you're single, monogamous, open,
polyamorous, or something else entirely,
if you want actionable advice
on all things dating, sex and relationships,
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When I was 14, 15, 16, and figuring out that I was gay,
gay marriage was not legal anywhere in the USA,
and by the time that I came out, when I was 18,
it was only legal in Massachusetts.
But I remember thinking a lot about that
and coming out and like thinking about
what that meant for me and what my future might hold,
and I just remember having this confidence
that I'm going to come out.
It doesn't matter if I can't get legally married.
It's going to be worth it.
I am going to find and form a family of my own.
No one's going to be able to tell me
that I can't call my husband a husband.
I'm just going to call him that.
I had never had a boyfriend at that point.
I hadn't even kissed a boy yet,
and I just had this sense of like I can do this.
This is important.
And also, that like queers throughout the ages
had been doing it.
I knew that gay people were forming families,
and so, I knew that this could be a possibility for me,
and even if the legal structures and support wasn't there,
I was going to do it anyways,
and even if the church that I grew up in
wasn't going to recognize it, I was still going to do it,
and there's a boldness there that I think along the way,
I might have lost that as gay marriage is now legal
in all 50 States in the U.S.,
and as nondiscrimination protections
are becoming increasingly common,
and as it's more accepted in society
and more accepted in religion,
it's easy to fall into that and get comfortable in that
and want to just sort of like default to the status quo,
and this is especially relevant for those of us who
our queerness as like a connection to politics
and history is important to us,
or for those of us who are in open
or polyamorous relationships
and want to challenge the idea
of what it means to be family.
I know, even when I was in a monogamous relationship,
queer family was so important.
Queer family in New York City,
when I was in my early 20's and living in Brooklyn
like changed my life
and redefined how I thought about family,
and I don't want to let go of that
just because now a white picket fence is available to me,
and especially as I'm now open or polyamorous,
and I think about all the sort of different
relationship possibilities that are available to me,
I don't want to limit myself to just the default
now that I can be part of the default.
But I also know that the allure is real
and when I was 18 and
gay marriage wasn't an option,
like being in a monogamous gay marriage
or being in a polyamorous gay marriage,
it was all, it was all the same, it was all not legal.
And now that I have the option of legal marriage
to just one person, ostensibly monogamous,
that appeal is real.
It comes with a lot of both legal and social benefits.
And recently, I've been thinking back to my 18 year old self
and the fierceness that he had to say like (beep) it,
I'm going to live the life that I know
to be right and true and good,
and if I have to I'm going to conform society
to that vision. And it's been really cool to see
all the ways in which LGBT equality has progressed,
and I still know that there's more to be done,
and especially more when it comes to like queering justice.
And so, I want to borrow some of that chutzpah
from my 18 year old self and say like,
I'm not going to be lulled into the status quo
that I know doesn't serve us all well,
and instead, be brave enough to live into a life
that is fulfilling for me and healing for our communities.
So that's the message that I want to relay to you today.
If you're in some sort of nontraditional relationship,
I know it can sometimes be scary and isolating,
but also remember that there are lots of us out there
and it's not a new thing
that people have been in open and polyamorous relationships
for centuries, millennia even,
there's lots of different ways to do family
and to hold onto that,
which you know to be good and true for you.
That's all for now.
If you want some more videos,
I've got a few of these you can watch, click here and here.
Remember to subscribe for new videos
every Wednesday afternoon, and I'll see you real soon.
Bye for now.
(bright music)