♪ Stroke my chin real slow when I'm lying ♪
♪ And I was laughing super hard ♪
♪ As Darnell was dying ♪
- The name of the album is "I killed Darnell Simmons!"
- It's a concept I wrote. - A concept?!
That's a picture of you,
a picture of you and behind you is Darnell Simmons' body!
(tense music)
- Coincidence.
(cameras clicking) (dramatic music)
- It's a weird one.
Nothing out of place, no murder weapon.
- And no motive.
They're just a couple lying dead in their bed.
- The proof is always out there, detectives.
You just have to know where to find the pudding.
- Excuse me, sir, you can't be here.
This is the crime scene. - Stay calm.
It's okay.
He's the greatest sex crime investigator in history.
If it isn't Detective Chuck Vaughn.
- Detective Sally Ferguson.
- [Sally] We could use a genius right now
- Thomas Samwell.
- (sighs) What have we got, Samwell?
- Well, Vaughn, we've got ourselves a hard case here.
All we've got is-- - Two bodies, both dead,
naked, one man, one woman in the bed.
Two scented candles by the nightstand.
- How did you-- - Shh.
- No sign of forced entry. (dramatic music)
He loved the way they smelled.
He wanted to cross the threshold
the way they had on their wedding day.
(sighs) You dirty dog.
He would've experienced that pleasure right here.
(pants unzipping) (Chuck moaning)
(pants zipping)
Anniversary.
The couple was together for a while,
wanted to spice things up.
Check the date on the photograph.
- (sighs) Vaughn's right.
Today was their 15th wedding anniversary.
This is huge.
- And what the (beeps) was that?
You just pulled your dick out
and started jerking off at the crime scene!
- Samwell, he's the best there is.
By putting himself in the perpetrator's mindset,
he's able to solve crimes that involve sex.
Bag this up.
- Some call it a blessing.
It's more like a curse.
- Is that what it feels like? (dramatic music)
- Threesome.
(gasping) You wanted to see them, didn't you?
You wanted to watch.
25 feet from the bedroom, across from the kitchen.
(gasping) You didn't want to see their flesh yet, did you?
No, he stood right here.
(pants unzipping) (Chuck moaning)
- [Samwell] Oh, come on.
- (sighs) Role play gone wrong.
(pants zipping) Check the logs.
(metal clattering) - Hey.
We've got a bloody fire poker.
We've got our murder weapon.
- Um, why do your revelations require masturbation?
- Why do kittens require milk?
- No, not the same thing.
- Hey, hey.
He's the most brilliant goddamn detective I know.
Put your ego aside and give Vaughn his space.
- My ego?!
We've got Captain Pudpuller
flinging his fluids all over the crime scene!
- Wait. (dramatic music)
He knew them.
Hey, they were close, so close, too close.
He, he, I think he knew the house.
(gasping) Why?
Oh, what did you want, you sick bastard?
You wanted to see
what he saw every day.
Only closer, closer.
He was close to home.
(Chuck moaning) (dramatic music continues)
There's our man.
- [Sally] All right, let's go get him go.
Go, go!
- Vaughn, that was amazing.
I'm sorry that I doubted you.
Your methods are unorthodox,
but I cannot argue with your results.
(pants zipping)
- No hard feelings. - Uh, no, hope.
Not gonna do that. - Yeah.
(dramatic music)
- Give yourself up, Carlo.
- Why would I do that, Detective?
When I have the upper hand?
(Carlo chuckling)
- Give yourself up, Carlo.
- [Carlo] I'm right here, Detective (giggles).
(Detective gasping) Or am I over here, Detective?
(Detective gasping) (dramatic music intensifies)
Or here?
- Oh, you sick son of a bitch!
Where the hell are you?!
(Detective shouts) (Carlo laughing)
Ha!
You son of a bitch, come out!
- Does my ass look big in this jumpsuit?
- Enough with the games, Carlo.
- The games are just beginning, Detective (laughs).
Mirror, mirror on the wall.
(laughs) Who is the fairest of them all?
- Don't move.
You are under arrest for the murder of Mary Dealey,
Meg Foster, and one Detective Mason Jimenez.
Now where's the girl?
- Oh, Detective.
You assume it's the real me standing in front of you,
but maybe that's just what I want you to think.
When in reality, the real me is safe in a hiding spuh.
- Okay, that's the real you, all right.
- Or maybe I'm over here--
- No, no you're not over there.
Carlo, I'm only gonna ask you one more time.
Where is the girl?
- Go ahead and shoot, Detective.
(chuckles) I mean, what do I care
if you get seven years bad, okay,
you know it's not safe to keep a gun cocked like that,
even if you are just pointing it at a mirror.
- Turn around and put your hands on your head.
- Now for that, you really are
going to have to find the real me.
- Oh my God, are you kidding me?
(gun firing) (Carlo squeaks)
Carlo, what?
- Why would you shoot a mirror?
- Carlo, it's you!
I'm holding your lapel.
Now you're done, it's over.
- You're gonna cut your hand on that broken mirror.
(gun cocks) - Where is she?
- Just say it, dude.
- Say what?
- Say you don't know whether or not
this is the real me or just a reflection in a mirror.
- [Detective] Really?
- I'll tell you where she is.
- Okay.
I don't know whether the you I'm holding onto
is really you-- - Or the reflection--
- Or, or a reflection in the mirror.
- All there is to it.
She's under the floorboards by the entrance.
Oh, God (moans)
I win, Detective.
Oh, I told you, but I mean
the mirror told you, but what you know.
Oh (beeps).
(dramatic music) (door slams)
- First things first.
I do not care that you are a multi-platinum selling rapper,
Gun Rack, what I care about is that I 100% know
that you murdered Darnell Simmons,
so you better start talking.
- Yeah, but you ain't got nothin'.
- Okay (chuckles),
you know, I'm actually, I'm very glad that you said that
because, respectfully, I beg to differ.
♪ I killed Darnell, yeah I shot him with my nine ♪
♪ I shot him nine times ♪
♪ Don Pierre, I'm on the dime ♪
♪ And by the way, it was November 9th ♪
(dramatic music)
- There don't mean nothin'.
I got a vivid imagination.
(Detective scoffs) I couldn't have shot Darnell.
I was at my cousin's birthday party,
Red Lobster, November 9th.
- At, at Red Lobster? - Mm-hm.
- Geez, I gotta tell you, Gun Rack,
I, I find that really hard to believe.
♪ I got an alibi, birthday, Red Lobster ♪
♪ When in reality, I shot Darnell like a mobster ♪
♪ It's a lie anyone could tell this ♪
♪ If you know about my allergy to all shellfish ♪
- Just confess, Gun Rack.
- I confess that shellfish
is the only thing that rhymes with tell this
It's just words, Detective.
Nouns, adjectives that just happen to be in a dope order,
but you ain't got no proof.
♪ Shot up Darnell with a long ass gun ♪
♪ And tossed into the aquarium ♪ (bag crunches)
- I have no idea what that object is.
(dramatic music) - I don't--
- If I had to identify it, I would call it
a gun of the long ass variety.
Some seaweed in there too.
Look, Detective.
I hate to break it to you, I ain't kill nobody.
- But...
♪ Stroke my chin real slow when I'm lyin' ♪
♪ And I was laughin' super hard as Darnell was dyin' ♪
- The name of the album is "I Killed Darnell Simmons!"
- It's a concept I wrote. - A concept?!
That's a picture of you, a picture of you
and behind you is Darnell Simmons' body!
- Coincidence.
- You're going away for a long time, you understand?!
You're gonna confess if it's the last thing you ever do!
You hear me, Gun Rack, I'll beat it out of you!
(man shouts) I'll beat it out of you!
- (sighs) He's free to go.
(dramatic music) - What? No, no, no, no, no.
We have everything we need.
- No, it was Simmons' girlfriend.
She just confessed to the whole thing.
Infidelity, crime of passion.
Let's go, Mr. Rack.
♪ Bonus track, bonus track ♪
♪ I got a ride or die bitch ♪
♪ I think you get the gist ♪
♪ And when you let me out, I'm gonna blow a little kiss ♪
♪ This is my confession, admissible in court ♪
♪ I killed Darnell Simmons for sport ♪
♪ That's right, I'm a murderer ♪
♪ Come get me, come down the hall you can't get me ♪
♪ Okay, okay, you got me ♪
♪ Damn, nigga, damn, chill, ow, ow ♪
(crickets chirping)
(door knocking)
- Sue, oh my goodness!
Oh my goodness, how are you doing, girl?
- Oh, you know, I was on my way home
and was in the area, just wanted to come say hello.
That's it, that is all.
Have a nice night.
- Sue, where you going, girl?
You can't leave without coming inside!
- Oh no, I wouldn't wanna be an intrusion.
I just wanted to say hello, goodbye.
- Okay, now, Sue, there is a seat
in this house with your name on it, girl.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't, I didn't have money for the bus.
I'm a mess from the 50 mile walk.
- Now, why must ya be so difficult, girl?
- You're right, I am being difficult, aren't I?
Your life is better without me coming in.
Trust me.
So there I go. - Okay, girl, listen.
Everything is all right, man, we're good friends.
- Yes. - All right.
- Of course. - And you know
you can smell that, girl.
You know you smell it, girl. - What's that smell?
- You know you're smelling the fried dumplings,
the aki, and the salt fish, girl.
Now what's come over you?
- I shoulda called, I shoulda called.
- That's it, Sue!
I'm formally inviting you into my home.
Now come inside!
(dramatic music)
(door slams)
(blood gushing)
(upbeat music)
♪ Oh, I want it, but I don't need it ♪