We did just beat Meryl at an acting contest.
Yes, you did.
Just saying.
That's what just happened.
Right?
Yeah.
You don't remember that?
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
All right.
You know, I was, um--
[LAUGHTER]
When oatmeal begins to thicken--
[LAUGHTER]
You're so good at any dialect.
I mean, you know, in Sophie's Choice and--
you just are so right on.
I'm not, really.
Oh, no, you are.
I have to-- no, I'm not.
Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
I have to work at it.
You know, I have to listen to the specific thing.
Yeah.
I'm not like Tracey Ullman.
She can really do anybody right like that.
I think you're I think you're pretty close to that.
But what I thought we'd do, because that's
sort of what I'm known for also is my dialects--
Ah.
So--
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
So here we go.
If you'll put this hat on--
and there's Velcro on the front of it.
And so what we'll do is--
(ACCENTED) Well, my head must be too big.
It's probably the bun behind--
OK.
There, that's perfect right there.
OK.
All right.
So who's going to start?
Meryl, why don't you start?
You pick one up and put it--
OK.
Don't cheat.
Don't-- Oh, look what you're doing already.
So you pick it up.
Oh.
There.
Oh, OK.
And then stick that in the front--
And then I put it here?
--so you don't know what that is.
Stick it?
There.
OK.
And I have to tell you.
So, oh, my cherie, you don't know what you are being.
French.
See there?
There.
[APPLAUSE]
Wait.
That was so good.
And the I do it?
Uh, [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
[LAUGHS]
Yiddish.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
Oh, don't look at it.
I didn't look.
Don't look at it.
I didn't see a thing.
All right.
Oh, well.
Hey, yous guys, what you doing with the fish over there?
Get it to the market right away.
If I'm not-- you're gettin'--
Brooklyn?
No.
Ooh, I love my clam chowder so much.
Oh, Boston.
Yeah.
[APPLAUSE]
Wow.
You're good.
Thanks.
Yo, I'm trying to tell you something.
[LAUGHTER]
I want you-- oh, man, I can't do that.
I haven't where I--
you know, I was, um--
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
Are you-- are you being a rapper?
50 Cent.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, think uptown, way, way uptown.
Brooklyn.
No.
Bronx.
Brooklyn?
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, jolly ho.
My tally ho.
I love crumpets and some tea.
Uh-- chicken.
Why did I say chicken?
[LAUGHTER]
I think it might be English.
It is.
I was thinking-- chicken?
Oh.
Out and about.
Out and about?
"Ote."
I went "ote and abote."
Out and about.
And everything else just like this.
Oh, Canadian.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
Ahoy, my mate, down under.
I'm going to the barbie.
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
That would be--
Come on.
Poor Australia.
Yeah.
All right.
You've kissed a lot of actors over the years,
and we want to see how well you would recognize just the lips.
OK.
Just the lips.
All right, let's see the first set of lips.
I have no idea who that is.
Is that George Clooney?
I never kissed him.
No.
Maybe you have.
No, it's Alec Baldwin.
That's not Alec Baldwin.
Oh, that's--
I don't know what you're looking at when you're kissing,
but you're--
[LAUGHS]
All right, let's see the next set of lips.
Oh, that's Clint.
That's Clint Eastwood.
Right.
Yeah.
That's right.
[APPLAUSE]
All right.
[SIGHS]
It's easy because I'm looking at the name,
but it is kind of hard when you look at that.
Oh.
I just have no idea.
You did Death Becomes Her with him.
Oh, that's Bruce.
That's Bruce Willis.
Yeah.
Right.
All right.
I don't think I kissed him, though.
You didn't kiss him?
I didn't kiss him.
Well, he said you did.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, next set of lips.
[LAUGHTER]
That's Emma.
Emma Thompson in Angels in America.
Yeah.
Yup.
[APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER]
All right, next set of lips.
You kissed a lot of people.
That looks like Newt Gingrich.
Did you kiss him?
Often.
No, no, no, no.
Again, it's complicated.
Oh, it's-- oh, it's-- that's Steve.
Yeah, Steve Martin.
But it looks like Al-- oh, OK.
I thought it was Albert Brooks.
It looks a lot like Albert Brooks.
It does look like Albert Brooks.
Well, let's see the next ones.
That's Albert Brooks.
Yeah, Defending Your Life, oh, that was a great movie.
And let's see the next set of lips.
Huh.
Ah.
Oh.
That looks like-- that looks like--
I don't know.
How many women have you kissed?
I mean--
[LAUGHTER]
--that's the second set of lips of a woman.
And now how many--
Is that a woman?
Yes, that's a woman.
OK.
I don't know.
I can't remember how many women.
[LAUGHTER]
It's Sandra Bullock.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Yes.
OK.
At the Critics' Choice Awards.
That's right.
Yeah.
That's right.
All right.
[LAUGHS]
The Iron Lady-- yeah.
You don't remember that?
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
All right.
And if you look at your roles across all the films
that you've done, you're funny, you're sexy, you're dramatic,
you can--
you're drunk, you're everything.
I'm boring.
You're not boring.
You're never boring.
So I thought I would prove it to everyone in case
anyone questioned me on that.
This is an oatmeal recipe, and I would like you to read it.
But I would like you to read it sexy.
(BREATHY) In a small saucepan, bring 2 cups of water
to a boil.
Over medium high heat, stir in oats.
When oatmeal begins to thicken--
[LAUGHTER]
--reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally
for 30 minutes.
30 minutes?
[LAUGHTER]
Faster than at my house.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
This is a traffic report, but you're going
to read it as a woman in labor.
Oh, my god.
That's right.
OK.
A track report.
Traffic.
OK.
But you're in labor.
[BREATHES HEAVILY] Let's take a look at your Tuesday drive.
[BREATHES RAPIDLY]
Heavy backup.
Heavy backup as usual on the [SCREAMS] I-10 and the,
oh, my god, the 710 into downtown.
OK.
[BREATHES RAPIDLY] Got a jackknifed big rig
in the two lane.
101 westbound at Balboa.
[SCREAMS]
[APPLAUSE]
[GROANS]
I wouldn't consider getting through there anytime soon.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
One last one.
This is Wikipedia, but you're reading it
as an annoyed teenager.
You've had one of those.
How can I pull that up?
Ugh.
The first recorded instance of sandpaper
was in the 13th century, Mother, when crushed shells, seeds,
and sand were bonded to parchment using natural gum.
OK?
[LAUGHTER]
Come on.
Just act it out.
I'm guessing.
Come on, be excited.
Shaving.
Yes.
Oh, boy.
Yes.
[LAUGHS]
Wow.
Catwalk.
Vogue.
Yeah, that's it.
You have it.
[LAUGHTER]
Underwater.
Yeah.
Swimming.
Scuba dive.
Kind of.
That's right.
[LAUGHTER]
Jumping Jacks.
Cheerleader.
Oh.
Mime.
Oh.
Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
Are you a Sumo wrestler?
Yes!
Yes.
OK.
[TIMER TICKING]
Lipstick.
Putting on-- put on--
putting on makeup?
The whole thing.
Yeah.
Don't be so discouraged.
[LAUGHTER]
Roller coaster.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
That's it.
Well, we did pretty good.
Wait, wait, wait.
We did just beat Meryl at an acting contest.
Didn't we?
Just saying.
Yes, you did.
That's what just happened.
Right?
Yeah.
You just beat Meryl.
OK.
I count down.
Because you're both brilliant actors, thespians,
I would like to challenge you.
You mentioned Forrest Gump, and I
have a quote from Forrest Gump here that this will
be if it were you in this role.
So you can either play it the way you would have done it
or exactly as he did it, your choice.
Oh, wow.
And then I am going to give Tom the same challenge.
So your choice-- do you want to do it
your way or the way he did it?
My mama always said, life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
That was excellent.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
No, that was good.
All right.
Devil Wears Prada.
You got to top that.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
I'm just gonna--
I'm just gonna take the shot.
Take the shot.
Get out the guest list.
We need to start working on the seating chart.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, by all means, move at a glacial pace.
You know how that thrills me.
That is my take.
That's all.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
This is Toy Story, so you will wear a prop for this.
Ah.
Oh, dear.
It just goes on and on.
You are a toy!
You aren't the real Buzz Lightyear!
You're a-- you're an action figure!
You are a child's plaything!
I've had no-- with my eyes closed,
that was-- that was exactly what it is.
Yeah.
We closed our eyes.
All right.
Oh, Jeez.
[LAUGHS]
All right.
Iron Lady.
Wow.
All right.
Oh, here we go.
Man, oh, man.
Oh, that's fantastic.
All right.
Bear with me, now.
That's the real one.
Bear with me now.
Yeah.
It's the wig you used.
This is the real one?
It's the real one.
That's the one.
Roy did a hell of a job.
[LAUGHTER]
This is all looking right into the camera.
[LAUGHTER]
With all due respect, sir, I have
done battle every single day of my life.
And many men have underestimated me before.
This lot seemed bound to do the same.
But they will rue the day.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
Hold.
All right.
We have to do a break and I have a surprise.
Can I keep this?
Yes, you can.
And you can keep this.
We'll be right back.
Thank you.
[THEME MUSIC]