The Undertaker retires, John Cena proposes to Nikki Bella and The Hardy Boyz return to
WWE!
The Ultimate Thrill Ride was possibly the most newsworthy Wrestlemania in the show’s
history.
I’m Oli Davis and this is my Wrestlemania 33 review... in about fo-whoah.
Are you serious?
It’s like 20 hour long event.
I’m not even entirely sure Wrestlemania’s finished.
As great as this year’s Wrestlemania was, the crucial point is, it’s way too long.
I can say this was a memorable return, or that was the actual end of an era, but the
fact of the matter is - that was seven hours of wrestling.
A two hour pre-show, followed by just over five hours of main card.
No normal people come out of a Lord of the Rings extended edition marathon beaming ‘what
a leap forward in motion capture CGI Gollum was,’ or ‘Damn, the Battle of Helms Deep
had some great high spots’.
They collapse in a heap on the floor and say, no.
No more.
No more fantasy.
That was too much fantasy.
I believe that one of the most important parts of entertainment is knowing when enough is
enough.
Showing restraint.
Quality is far superior to quantity.
I say it about Raw all the time.
Wrestlemania was heavily, heavily hindered by excess.
With that said, here’s an attempt at reviewing everything in about four minutes
Neville beat Austin Aries Even at Wrestlemania, the Cruiserweight matches
still have a commercial break in them.
Neville retained a decent bout.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal Something called The Gronk happened here.
I’m not entirely sure what a Gronk is, and it seemed at least one security didn’t either.
The Gronk’s friend Mojo Rawley won.
Dean Ambrose beat Baron Corbin Ambrose retained against Corbin in a slightly
below average match.
AJ Styles beat Shane McMahon It’s main card time, two hours in.
AJ Styles took on Shane McMahon in a straight-up wrestling match that only got good when it
became a street fight.
I couldn’t buy into Shane being on AJ’s level wrestling-wise.
It’s one thing to say McMahon’s a crazy, daredevil brawler.
It’s quite another to portray him as an MMA expert.
The match found its groove when the referee was knocked out.
Cue trash cans, shooting stars and announcer table bumps.
Thankfully AJ won.
Kevin Owens beat Chris Jericho After one of the best breakup segments in
Raw’s history, and months of storyline behind them, Kevin Owens beating Chris Jericho felt
lacklustre.
There were good spots, especially the one finger pinfall break, but they couldn’t
capture the emotional magic of either the Festival of Friendship or KO’s Battleground
match with Sami Zayn last year.
Bayley beat Nia Jax & Charlotte & Sasha Banks Taking their cue from the NXT TakeOver match
the previous night, heels and babyfaces united to eliminate the monster first - which was
a great way to both protect and showcase Nia Jax.
Corkscrew moonsault aside, everything afterwards fell flat, though.
Imagine if this was where Bayley won the title instead of a throwaway episode of Raw, or
Charlotte’s pay-per-view streak was still intact.
An OK match that could’ve been so much more.
Hardy Boyz beat Galanderson, Sheamaro & Enzo & Big Cass
Before the Raw three-way tag ladder match got going, The New Day came out to announce
this was now a four-way.
‘Oh, great,’ I thought.
‘The Wrestlemania hosts have entered themselves in the match’ - somehow genuinely forgetting
the weeks of Hardy Boyz return reports and the ladder match stipulation.
I yelped out loud when Matt and Jeff returned, and they followed it up with the second best
match of the night, winning the Raw tag titles.
This was the year’s first Wrestlemania moment.
John Cena & Nikki Bella beat The Miz & Maryse John Cena and Nikki Bella vs The Miz and Maryse
- the build was great, the post-match angle was adorable.
The match itself...well, there was a good Lethal Leap Year 30th Anniversary sign in
the crowd.
John Cena sucks, Nikki Bella’s plastic, he probably proposed months ago - I don’t
care.
I’m a romantic at heart, and Cena proposing to Nikki after winning was genuinely heartwarming.
Wrestlemania moment number 2.
Seth Rollins beat Triple H Rollins and Triple H had a really good match
with some fantastic character moments - Seth selling his knee, Triple H seeing a sledgehammer,
and The Game accidentally knocking Stephanie McMahon through a table.
That’s for you Mick Foley, Sasha Banks, Sami Zayn - and all the Raw wrestlers who’ve
been buried without revenge.
Unfortunately, following The Hardys return and Cena proposal, the crowd were mostly indifferent.
Randy Orton beat Bray Wyatt Orton and Bray had a really disappointing
match.
The psyche-out projections of squirming insects on the ring mat was different, but didn’t
work in either story-line or practice.
Orton severed Wyatt’s supernatural power on the go-home Smackdown, and it looked overly
gimmicky.
Brock Lesnar beat Goldberg Brock Lesnar beating Goldberg for the Universal
Title, however, was my favourite match of the night.
It felt like a big time boxing fight.
Two guys who had been kept apart for months, great entrances, a super hot crowd, and only
four different moves: jackhammer, spear, suplex and F5.
After a night of 15 to 20 minute matches, and some severe wrestling fatigue setting
in, this five minute highlight reel was perfect.
Smackdown Women’s Championship Six-Pack Challenge
After all the reports and rumours of women from WWE’s past returning for this match,
it was just the six women already announced.
Naomi made Bliss tap, regaining the title in her home state.
Roman Reigns beat The Undertaker Roman Reigns and The Undertaker got the main
event spot - an entire feud based on a property dispute - who does this yard belong to?
Jim Ross joined the announcers table to help proceedings.
Just the sound of JR’s voice exposed the rest of the night’s commentary as very sub-par.
The match wasn’t good, with Undertaker’s body seemingly too broken down to wrestle
at his usually high Wrestlemania standard.
The botched tombstone reversal spot was awkward to watch.
Taker finally lost after the match’s seventh spear or something, meaning Reigns now has
full planning permission for the yard.
Afterwards, it became obvious why Roman couldn’t turn heel here.
It would give the match the wrong kind of heat considering what was about to come: the
retirement of The Deadman, where The Undertaker performed the slowest and saddest strip tease
I’ve ever seen, leaving his hat, gloves and coat in the ring.
That’s a lie actually.
That honor goes to a woman in Liverpool who had very few teeth and accepted a £5 WHSmith
voucher as payment.
It was heartbreaking to see him go.
That isn’t just a wrestling legend retiring, it’s a part of our lives, a significant
chapter in our childhoods ending.
Wrestlemania moment number three.
Stanley Kubrick always said you need three really memorable scenes to make a classic
movie.
Wrestlemania completed that rule and then some, with three incredible angles to be a
fan: The Hardys return, Cena’s proposal and Undertaker’s retirement.
But Kubrick didn’t make seven hour films.
I’m not saying there should’ve been more moments.
I’m saying there should’ve been a lot less show.
Imagine if this was just an eight match card, that ran four hours.
It would’ve been all killer, no filler top to bottom.
What did you all think?
Let me know in the comments down below.
And find out all the details on the Hardy Boyz’ WWE return, and watch my latest WrestleSketch
on how Goldberg prepared for his Wrestlemania 33 match by clicking the videos to the left,
and subscribe.
I’ve been Oli Davis, and that was wrestling.