- Have you ever heard me and your mom having sex?
- Probably.
- Oh my God.
- At the old house, you can kind of hear everything.
- What?
- My name's John, and Pauline is my step-daughter
since she was four years old.
- So 18 years
- My name is Randy, and this is my stepdad.
- 19 years.
- How long you been stepdad, see I better get this right
My wife is right over there.
Six years.
- No, you've been in my life longer than that.
- 10 years.
- It's been like 12 years
- 12 years. I'm bad on dates by the way.
(glasses clink)
- Yeah.
What do you think of me when you first met me Randy?
- I was just like who is this guy?
- I think at first I was skeptical
because it was kind of just me and my mom, my brother and I.
And so I was kind of skeptical
of like my mom being like pulled away.
- No, not at all.
- Well, I mean, anyway
- In what way is your biological dad better than me?
- None. My dad's always been like absent.
He never showed up for gymnastics
or my graduation or anything like that.
He only talks to me whenever I have a bill to pay.
Or if something happens in the family.
- She's telling the truth
- Who's your favorite child? Am I?
- Wow.
- I would do anything for any one of my kids.
I couldn't put a favorite on it
because you're all the same to me as equal.
- I can't put a favorite.
So I've got to drink.
I've got to drink.
- Randy has to be the favorite.
My youngest daughter is there also,
but as far as being more independent,
I said 'you need some money Randy?' Nope.
But now my youngest daughter, 'do you need this?'
'yeah put it in the mail dad'.
(laughing)
- Before my mom.
How many people have you slept with?
- I don't remember.
- My best guess
- If I had a number, I would tell you the number
but that number is not answerable.
- So you was being a hoe?
- With a capital H.
- Right around eight and 15.
- But I couldn't tell you
because some of those times I was drunk.
(laughing)
- Have you ever stolen from me?
- We used to go in the little bottom cabinet
and like drink your liquor.
- Oh, that's what was happening.
Your mother thought that I drank all the liquor.
- That was us.
- I'm so glad we did this.
I am so vindicated today.
- Have you ever cheated on my mom?
- Never. Never will. Never have.
I mean, she
you know, she is a six three black belt.
- Well I might like that, but no.
If you see me cheating on your mom
with one of her friends would you tell her?
- Which friend? Hypothetically.
- Which friend?
- Would you be getting cheated with.
- Anne
- Anne? - Yeah
(laughing)
- I mean, you were supposed to bite the bullet on that one,
you're sleeping on the couch tonight, for sure.
- Have you ever heard me or your mother having sex?
(laughing)
- No, I haven't. Thank God, my ears are still intact.
- Probably.
- Oh my God.
- At the old house, you can kind of hear everything.
- What?
- I don't even know if you've ever had sex with her.
- Yes I have.
- Really?
Oh my gosh.
How often did you have sex with her?
- Not very often. Probably once every year.
(laughing)
- My mom's lesbian, but we didn't find
we didn't find out until I was 14.
And then ever since then, she's been with her partner.
- No.
- Yes.
- Still?
- She asked if you want that's okay.
- Oh my God.
I do not know the answer to this.
- Have you ever had a threesome with my mom?
- No.
- Never.
- No.
Go ahead and ask me, do I want to?
Go ahead, that's the next question, I feel it.
I know he's going to ask that.
- Do you want to have a threesome?
- Absolutely not.
- Who's the person you mentioned before
that you got caught cheating on my mom with.
- Anne, yeah.
Wait a minute.
Is Anne gonna see this?
Oh God, Anne this is just, we're just cutting it up
here Anne, just to put it out there.
- What do I do that annoys you?
(laughing)
Tell me, Randy, what I do Randy?
- That.
- What is that Randy?
- That.
- Randy come on now.
- Probably just the volume of the TV.
He like blasts it full volume, like surround
- What do you think surround sound means?
Sound around home theater.
That's what it means, you know?
Blow your wig back.
- I can't even hear myself think.
- You're not supposed to.
They're doing it for you.
- What do I do that annoys you?
- Some of your farts.
They don't sound right.
(laughing)
- Oh my gosh. Okay.
(laughing)
I enjoyed that one, okay.
(laughing)
- What are my worst parenting traits, Randy.
- I can't think of anything.
I don't have any parenting advice for you
or any moments where I felt like
you could have been a better parent.
He's getting emotional.
- No, I'm good.
- Has my other parent caused you a lot of trouble.
- He's never been anything.
He's been nothing in your life.
And when he does ask for stuff
it's normally so he can get away from paying for anything.
And that's your dad.
- Do you think that I would be better looking
if you are my biological father?
- Absolutely.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Damn right.
You'd be fine as wine girl pointed over a big old glass.
- In what way am I bad for your mom?
- Well, for one, my mom is lesbian.
So I think she prefers women.
- I think that you guys are a really good match.
Like she's the brains and you're the muscle.
- Yeah. I'm all right with that.
- Would have been easier without me in the picture?
- There's a possibility that we could be richer than
rich, but then it would have been more boring.
- It would always be easier if I didn't have any
of the kids in the picture, but that's my choice.
I did it.
So I would still have the same life over again.
- Am I a good father?
- Absolutely. - Ohh, she said it.
- I think that you're a great father and I don't
know any way that I think that you could be a better father.
You're like another mom, but you're a guy
- Taught me the things that like most mothers
teach their daughters.
I feel like, cause my mom wasn't, you know
she wasn't super present.
So you filled those shoes when you needed to, so yeah
you're a good mother and father.
- Thank you.
- Thanks baby. - Course.
- My alcohol kicking in.
- He's getting emotional again.
- You're a great father to me.
- I appreciate that.
One more for the road.
Yeah. Okay.
All right.
- That was good.
I thought there were going to be more
inappropriate questions.
- Oh not that raunchy.
- What up fam.
- Who's the creepy uncle in our family?
- He's gone.
(laughing)
- Are we thinking of the same person?
He's gone.
We're on the same level on that one, buddy.