Transcriber: Lakshita Babburi Reviewer: Dinh Lieu Vu
In August of 2021,
I was at a Christmas shop in South Jersey
with my boyfriend
when a man suddenly came up to us.
My boyfriend is a bit startled and so was I.
He moved out of the way
as the man bent down in front of me saying,
Hello and what’s your name?
My name is Angelina.
But at that moment, I felt a bit fearful.
I’m 21 years old, but I was thinking about the Do not tell strangers your name, girl.
I was taught in kindergarten.
Normally I would tell people my name given professional context.
But in that moment I felt like a small child again
and pretty vulnerable.
I told him my initials AJ.
He didn’t say a single word to my boyfriend before leaving.
When we went up to the cashier to pay for a souvenir,
she asked me if I was AJ.
She pulled out a Christmas ornament with
who would have thought the letters A and J printed on it?
A few moments later, everything seemed to click.
I didn't inkling of why the man did this,
and this wasn’t the first time something like this happened to me.
When we left the store,
I asked my boyfriend if he thought that
what the man did was a good thing.
The man did a kind thing, he said
and added that generally giving gifts to strangers is a kind act.
But undoubtedly there is a reason
why this man chose me in a store full of people,
and the reason why
he completely ignored the one person I was associated with
and having a conversation with.
So why me?
This man did not know anything about me.
He didn’t know my name.
He didn’t know whether or not I was a good person.
And he barely even knew
if I would be interested like Christmas ornament
The only thing that he could gather about my identity
was that I was a wheelchair user and likely disabled,
and that was enough.
The simple fact that I was a disabled person
was enough of an incentive for that man to buy something for me.
Normally, giving gifts is a selfless act.
It’s a way for people to bond.
A way to communicate with others.
And a way to let people know you care about them.
However, this particular situation
remained unsettling to me.
It felt like a halfway transaction.
This instance,
which is not just a symptom of my own physical condition,
reminded me of how hyper visible I am.
It reminded me that I am exceptionally abnormal.
It reminded me that people are watching me.
It’s reminded me that people feel bad for me.
It reminded me that there are some people
who would rather get the guilt
for my existence off of their shoulders
by making them feel better
about themselves and their situation.
I often think about how differently
I would have felt
is this man had just taken a moment to talk about what I was doing that day.
What Christmas ornaments caught my eye.
Or even about my disability in general.
Oftentimes
the gift of genuine conversation
and laughter is worth so much more
than just a physical gift.
And it’s often moments like the encounter that I experienced
in the store that make disabled people like me feel frustrated.
We see good intentions and meet lovely people,
but we ache for a moment where we can feel
just like everyone else,
and we ache for a moment
in which our sense of character matters uniquely to others.
To brighten someone’s day.
you normally wouldn’t just buy them something
that you’d think they’d want or need.
You would try to get to know them more.
Ask how they’re feeling, what their interests are,
and maybe even what they wish for.
Disabled people are no exception to this idea.
We value personal connections and social belonging
more than physical gifts
or random words of praise.
It may be important to consider before performing a kind of action
why you are doing it.
Confirm with yourself if your method for executing your favor
is the best method to bond with someone else.
Some good deeds benefit everyone.
Others benefit only some people.
Some good deeds resonate for long periods of time,
while others offer temporary reassurance.
Some are even misguided and attempt to bring light
to situations that are not as awful as they seem.
Others perpetuate discrimination issues.
Over the years,
the profile of evolution has shifted and warped
due to changing cultural experiences and technologies.
Much of the disabled experience is documented over the Internet
and Television by those who are not disabled.
Disabled people want to be involved in the evolution conversation as well,
and it’s important to invite them
to report on experiences and their concerns for themselves
From spots in decision making boards and committees
to job positions in the press.
Allowing disabled people to offer a valuable input
would increase the credibility
of inclusivity related resources to the public.
The disabled archetype in the media
often triggers a paternal instinct in people.
Take a moment to think about how you felt the last time
you watched a feel good story
of a disabled person receiving a good deed.
Maybe these stories made you feel happy that you weren't in their position.
Maybe these stories made you feel happy that someone finally became
the bigger person to help them.
You may also recall stories of people overcoming their disability
to do something that they love.
There are countless articles out there
documenting disabled heroes
that never let their disability define them.
However, this could make disabled people like me feel that
our natural interests and hobbies
are simply extraordinary because we are disabled.
Disability is part of us.
It has shaped our worldview
and is often a celebrated part of our identity.
Sometimes we want to be praised for the personal risks that we take
and other adventures that we choose to embark on.
I have osteogenesis imperfecta known as little bone disease.
It affects the college in my body,
making my bones extremely fragile and easily broken.
I can’t participate in certain physical activities
or else I could be injured.
After witnessing the operations and injuries I’ve gone through,
And after telling them about my condition,
my friends kind of became traumatized.
Even teachers would tell them to be hyper vigilant around me.
People stopped inviting me to places and asking me to hang out with them.
When I asked them about how their birthday parties went,
they would apologize for not inviting me
and said it was because they didn’t think I could participate.
Ableism is taught.
It is not intrinsic.
The tendency for people to distance themselves
from the topic of ableism
while also trying to strive through inclusivity
over complicates the process.
Many times people attempt to advocate through those
with those with disabilities through performative activism.
Inspiration culture refers to the ecosystem of positive posts,
media stories and news headlines
that we consume to make our days feel brighter.
Sometimes we literally stories to say to ourselves,
at least I’m not them,
or at least my life isn't as bad as their life is.
Virtue signaling occurs when someone publicly demonstrates their goodwill
to promote a better image of themselves,
which positively reflects that reputation.
These concepts promote a change in social behaviours
by only creating bite sized and shallow methods
of solving the problem.
Sometimes it is easier to create the illusion of social change
by monitoring the amount of acts of kindness completed.
Sometimes it is easier to create this illusion
by monitoring likes and shares on social media.
One of Darnen’s many videos on his YouTube channel.
Disabled Girl Humiliates Disabled Girl.
She regrets it receives support from able bodied critics,
but huge amounts of backlash from disabled content creators.
From oversimplifying problems that disabled people face
to misrepresenting
the complexities of ableism,
this film did not accurately represent
the complexities of the disabled community,
and it perpetuated the misguided belief that ableism is easily recognizable
and easy to solve.
Darren was able to make his projects better
by including disabled people in assisting him with making his skits.
Disabled is a big and vague word,
but disabled does not have to be a bad word.
Yes, there are some specific conditions and illnesses that cause great suffering
for some people.
However, the term disabled does not supply enough information
as to what condition a person has or what their quality of life is.
Using the term disabled helps alert the people around us
of our limitations and need for accessibility related resources.
Some people may interpret the phrases limitations
and disability as being inherently upsetting
when it does not have to be that way.
What makes this pessimistic-- mindset harmful
is that it can encourage people to mitigate the disabled identity.
Disabled people will likely keep existing for a very long time.
Therefore, we need to focus less on fixing the disability itself
and more on learning from disabled people
how to provide them access to the outside world.
Yes, there are some conditions that cause
great suffering and distress for some people
and affect their quality of life.
But there are also able bodied people who also have a low quality of life.
The social hardships are not the fault of being disabled.
It's the fault of people who don't take the time to be understanding
and learn how to help.
When I think about ableism,
I think about the time a friend of mine encouraged me
and when I told him it’s unsafe for me,
he told me to just believe in myself
in the way that disabled people are supposed to.
In these situations, it’s much more helpful
to trust disabled people
for figuring out how to provide them
extra access to the outside world in a much better way
by listening to them
and trusting their recommendations to protect and help themselves.
When I think about ableism,
I think about those new stories of disabled people getting invited to prom
by the popular kid to only hang out with them for one night
for the praise
In these situations, it’s much more helpful
to include people in your social circle
after the night is through
and when no one is around to praise your act of kindness.
When I think about ableism,
I think about employers denying disabled people jobs
because they don’t ask what can you do?
or what accommodations would you need
to function in this workplace?
It’s time to allow people
and disabled people to participate in the fight
for their own quality of life.
Discrimination did not end with the Americans
with Disabilities Act of 1990.
So let's continue the conversation with disabled people included.
One of the most prolific slogans
in the disability movement has been coined
by James I Charlton’s book
Nothing About US Without US.
And if you knew, you were wondering.
Yes the Christmas ornament that the man gave to me
did end up on my tree.
Thank you.