G'day A.J. Mahari here on the notion that you need to accept the person with
BPD might love you in a rather unconventional way might not be able to
love you in a way that would be what you'd hope for or expect that it would
be a rather unconventional not not love in the conventional understanding of
what love is it's an interesting thing too forward because I think the person
forwarding this notion and that's all it is really it's kind of a it's kind of an
illusion or delusional notion that doesn't make any sense that a person
with BPD you just need to understand that they're
gonna love in a different way then what is the conventional understanding of
love well excuse me this would go to it depends what you
think love is right but aren't a lot of people with codependency and aren't a
lot of people in these relationships with people BPD and are no a lot of
people BPD you don't know themselves don't have a cell pet cetera isn't
everybody fighting for quote love unquote isn't everybody just so
compelled to keep on trying to ram that round peg into the square hole and keep
this thing called love even if now like somebody said up there it's in two
different way different you know it's unconventional but if you
get that then like hey um goodness gracious you know what I set up for
yourself what what kind of pain are you going to encounter with that and I don't
mean to be hard on people with BPD over this because the reality is and I'll put
the videos I've done on this topic under this video as well that people at BPD
don't have a self from which to love you they don't love themselves they hate
themselves they don't know themselves they have an abandonment and shame mood
and they feel bad they feel really incredibly bad about themselves about
the self that they don't even know and so how on earth could somebody said well
people say whatever they want but how on earth
could this be true or accurate or reasonable or a healthy kind of approach
or attitude for those with codependency out there to think that well the person
BPD is loving you somehow it's just you know you got to understand it's going to
be different way not going to be conventional or maybe what you always
hope for or maybe what you absolutely deserve which would be healthy love but
then to get healthy love people code appearance you have to realize you have
to get healthier too so healthy love is not something you fight for healthy love
is not something that comes in a different way and you have to decode it
you know and and so people are making all kinds of I guess I don't want to say
excuses but rationales right the rationalizing up the ying-yang and what
is classic codependent denial people with BPD untreated or unless until
significantly and even past significally treated do not attach do not love if you
don't have self reference and sub coherence how are you going to love self
let alone another so this idea that people with BPD just love in a different
way and you have to understand it's not conventional know that that's
unfortunately really codependent denial and that's somebody who is abandoning
themselves and doesn't feel worthy of healthy love and/or has an avoidant or
anxious avoidant attachment style of their own because maybe if they were
really to get the love which you can't get from somebody with BPD but maybe if
they were really ready to get the love or able to accept help you love
themselves which a lot of codependent scant by the way for a lot of reasons
that they still need to heal to understand he'll work with in the
process with somebody in or toward recovery but on that so you know perhaps
if somebody turned around to many codependents today not that people BP
are just going to do that like that no but they turn around to give you
incredibly what you you most think you want and you have
codependency in terms of what love is you might not know what healthy love is
you might not really know what that looks like or feels like because you
just might not known it yet and when I say that I mean yeah right
now I happened to be in a fabulous relationship I've had healthy
relationships prior and I've had a few I am the ex of to quiet BP's and a BPD
NPD alcoholic so then on both sides of the fence in that regard but I I'm in a
fantastic relationship and it's so healthy so mutual reciprocal is so
respectful and that's what healthy love is but so I'm not sitting here saying
just because of that or I've been a healthy relationships prior that you
know I'm an expert at what's a healthy relationship though I'm learning a
tremendous amount right now but like it's incredible but I do know just from
you know my education and learning experience so I might not I'm not going
to claim to be the world's expert on you know healthy love although I do know
what it is in my life and it's fabulous I know absolutely tremendously from past
life experience and education and 30 years working with clients I absolutely
know what love isn't so in the absence of what healthy love really is thinking
that because BPD might if somebody would beep you might love you in a different
way and it's not going to be conventional to your understanding of
love and that's love wow that's a codependent tangle webbed
kind of twisted tangled up kind of ration now where you're rationalizing
and or denial and or you don't realize how impacted people who might think like
this with codependency don't realize how impacted they are by the fact that they
don't feel worthy of actually being met with love healthy love and why do I say
that well because people with codependency mental unless they get
enough recovery and then some they really don't aren't you know their
attachment styles and the relational the unhealthy relational patterns of
codependency they're not something that helps people to achieve or find
healthy love either so this is really a rationalization to a denial on the part
of somebody with codependency that that they think this and so what happens in
these relationships between codependents and those with BPD or even narcissists
and this idea that you have to fight for this love and that you know it's it and
you have to talk about it for hours every day and you have to argue and you
have to figure it out and use so intense and all that stuff well you know when
there isn't mutuality and reciprocity and not all codependents are capable of
mutuality reciprocity to the degree that healthy love requires on their part as
well so because because there's nothing about the codependent quote fit unquote
with the with the BPD poor person with BPD that means that there's any healthy
love there and people with codependency will say that they have unconditional
love and it's altruistic no and and I've done videos on that too you just have to
search the channel I can't link all the videos underneath here every time I do
video so anyways no people with BPD don't love and don't attach especially
untreated take significant treatment they confuse need with love
they might they're trying hard you know like day me bub they want love like any
human being does but unfortunately the emotional Arrested Development which
doesn't mean they're walking around as two-year-olds all day by the way but
they really just don't have an attachment style that allows for
attachment they don't have a sense of self or they don't know who they are
they would allow for them to like and rule of self in order to love other so
this is unhealthy love between codependents and people at BPD and it's
unhealthy in both directions so maybe not the best news for some people too
codependency but then I saw Regis we know at the time the video but then I
can also speak and I will be speaking more about this at a gym hard SEO also
that you know these unhealthy bonds and what's happening with them and the
reality in that mix of what people think love quote love
unquote is what people bTW people that have codependency people with BPD don't
pull out the unhealthy connection the unhealthy love like that that type of
bond they don't pull that out of people with codependency people codependency
already have that going on so again I don't know people with codependency seem
to work really hard not I couldn't say people many not all maybe tend to work
really hard at rationalizing things and denying themselves and abandoning
themselves but but at the same time also blaming people with BP for everything
we're seeing BPD in everybody any minute just because you know and people with
codependency have many different styles of your dating but some well they can
over give and that'll were giving us control based they also can be not only
passive aggressive but aggressive aggressive and extremely treating people
really poorly as well so so this is not all within the realm of BP only and when
people with codependency get together with people BPD this is a back and forth
of to unhealthy relational patterns that have many overlapping things but I'm not
saying they're exactly the same so I hope that was helpful
I hope that you know somebody sees this video and it makes a difference I'm just
coming at this from a place of facts insider understanding from what I had
BPD and I fully recovered thirty years ago and also my education but but lived
experience on both sides of BPD and thirty years work with clients so and if
that's not substantial enough for you to consider what I offer here that's
accurate then by all means you know enjoy anybody else is channeling one of
twos and I'm not saying mine is above a heads above everybody else's or anything
like that not really supposed to be a comparing statement except to say that
it fitness information as always hat is is
out there all over online so that's not pointing at anybody I have no one in my
mind as I say that that's just out there and I really like I said I have a
propensity for accuracy and trying to be as accurate as I can I have the
experience and the knowledge base to be accurate number one number two yes this
as Berger I have high functioning as burgers in this as burger brain really
and that's a statement of fact because as burgers is hardwired into the brain
unlike BPD which isn't but I do a propensity for accuracy so in that
please know I'm not trying to say oh I know it all in all I'm above and I'm
also not trying I'm not aiming at anybody else I'm just making a factual
statement by saying there's rampant dissing for misinformation maybe some
disinformation to I don't know all over the place on the internet about this and
it's one of the most compelling aspects for people with BPD who want to be loved
of course and who aren't all the same and for for codependents who think that
what they're doing is loving when it's really controlling and enabling and it
has more to do with what what your issues are as a codependent that you
need to know more about understand to be able to heal and recover from then it
does about the person with BPD so people in in general with codependency tend to
be dumping too much on people with BPD in certain areas like what's happening
with is the love healthy or not because codependency is not a healthy love style
either not a healthy relationship out not a healthy love not a relational
pattern that can really drive with or fit with healthy love otherwise why
would so many people to codependency deal with cluster B's so it's it's it's
a dynamic thing it's not just all the person with BPD and the person with
codependency is like all fine and there's no issues there it doesn't work
that way so anyway healthy love people beeping
you don't up people with BPD attached unless until they've had way
beyond significant in treatment whatever they the way what you know years years
and years of therapy okay and to do this work to find themselves and what has to
be done inside themselves first before they're gonna be able to be anything
that you want them to be wish them to be rationalize them to be as a codependent
so there is no healthy love between codependent and people of BPD and it's
not just all about the person with BPD though I'm not saying the two are
exactly the same I hope that that's helpful to someone out there and yeah
I'm keeping it real to help people heal might not be popular but when people are
ready to hear it you know and I'm out here to work with
you if you want you know if you resonate with me because when people are ready to
work with me when people are ready to heal lives you know people get the
healing work done and life change take care