(audience cheering)
- Because I fly so much, I have a rule,
and that is never talk to the person
sitting next to you on an airplane.
This rule instated after I shared a lovely hour-long flight
to San Jose with a woman who just pretty much spent
the whole time telling me why Jews are the source
of all the problems in the world,
so I never talked to people sitting next to me,
and I was flying home about a year ago
and a boy sat next to me.
He was about my age, clean cut.
He started chatting and he seemed normal,
so I asked him about himself.
I'm like, "Tell me about your yourself."
He's like, "Well, my name is Brian.
I work at a hedge fund. I went to Yale."
I was like, "Nerd alert."
(audience laughing)
He was like, "Tell me about yourself."
I was like, "My name's Eliza,
I'm a standup comedian,
and I struggle with being attractive yet accessible."
(audience laughing)
So over the next couple weeks, we kind of became friends.
We stayed in touch, we'd hang out a lot, and I liked him.
I liked his personality.
He was a hard worker, Irish American, hard worker, smart,
and it became clear that he had a crush on me.
He would always try to buy me drinks,
always buy things to impress me.
He bought a house one point. Not for me, but he bought one.
I never went over 'cause I didn't wanna, you know,
see him with his shirt off
'cause I could tell that his body was unacceptable,
(audience laughing)
and I think it bothered him
that I didn't have a crush on him.
And I was like, "Let me explain it to you.
I am a seven without makeup and you are a four with money."
Those are numbers, crunch 'em as you will.
So one day he called me and he was like,
"We can't hang out today.
My mother has been diagnosed with cancer."
I stopped dead in my tracks, and for some reason,
something in my heart opened up
and all I wanted to do was take care of him.
This is a man that had done nothing
but be kind to me and be sweet to me,
so I was like, "What do you wanna do?
Can I take you somewhere? Can I take your mom somewhere?
You want to cry? I'm crying right now.
That's a weird chemical imbalance, but I feel bad for you."
I just wanted to be there for him,
and over the next couple of weeks,
I started to fall in love with him.
And we dated for about a week and things were great.
And then things got weird.
My mom called me one day, "Eliza, I Googled your boyfriend."
Incidentally, my mother is Selma from "The Simpsons."
(audience laughing)
"You know, on his company bio,
it doesn't say he went to Yale.
It says University of Ohio."
Fine institution, but it ain't Yale.
So I called my boyfriend, I was like,
"Why doesn't it say Yale?
You talk about Yale all the time,
you seem pretty proud of it.
Why doesn't it say it on your bio?"
He was like, "Oh my God,
if you saw the way things were run at this company,
it's a mess, it's a nightmare, I'm leaving anyway."
And I was like, "Totally, I got it, (bleep) the man.
Yeah, I got it. People mess up my bio all the time.
Sometimes they don't put winner of "Last Comic Standing."
Sometimes they put winner "America's Next Hot Model."
Do I correct it? No."
(audience laughing)
I just let audiences be disappointed
with my lack of facial symmetry, whatever.
I was like, "All right,
well, I'm gonna make you some cupcakes.
I'm gonna bring 'em to your house. I haven't seen it yet.
This is gonna be fun."
He's like, "Well, bring 'em to my office.
I was like, "No, I'll bring 'em to your house.
Your office is on the west side," so...
(audience laughing)
He gives me the address and as I'm driving toward his house,
I'm noticing it's not in Beverly Hills,
which is where he said he bought a house.
It's in Hollywood, and as I pull up,
I notice it's not so much a house as it is a duplex.
So thinking I've made a mistake, I go up to the window
and I look in, looking for context clues,
looking for some things of his, Yale context clues, right?
Plaid, mallards, penance, minorities chained to a window,
something, and none of that was in there.
Before I could leave, a girl open the door,
and we locked eyes and she goes, "You're Eliza."
I was like, "Who are you?"
She goes, "I'm Mary, I'm Brian's roommate."
I was like, "Hmm."
So I called my boyfriend and I was like, "What's up, bro?
What's up with the roommate and non house?"
He was like, "Okay, this is weird, but I have a house.
My mom lives in it while she undergoes cancer treatment
and I don't bother her because we don't really get along
and I want to give her her space."
And I was like, "I totally get that,
but I need to know where you (bleep) live."
So he comes over and he goes, "Here's my address,
here's my mom's phone number, you have everything.
I just ask that you respect
basically a woman's dying wishes to be left alone."
And I was like, "Fine, Double dog dare me not to be crazy.
I'll take that bet. Fine."
(audience laughing)
So a couple weeks go by, I let it lie.
I'm on my way to the airport to fly to a gig
and my mother calls me, "Eliza,
(audience laughing)
I called the Yale registrar's office.
They have no record of your Brian
ever having attended Yale."
So my first thought is maybe they misspelled Brian
over there at Yale.
Maybe they wrote Brain, maybe they made a mistake
and he did go there.
So I hang up, I call my boyfriend,
and on my way to calling him, it's ringing,
and I decide to take out that piece of paper
that had his address on it,
the one I was told to stay away from,
and I drive by that house in Beverly Hills
and I'm about to get out and knock on the door or something
just to bother his mom for a second,
and I see a black family come out with their kids,
load them into the van.
Now Brian is Irish, but he wasn't black Irish, so
(audience laughing)
I call him, he picks up.
I was like, "You are lying about many things.
I don't know what they are, but I'm not signing up
for the next round of this, I'm outta here."
And that's when it all came crashing down.
He said, "I can't do this anymore.
I didn't go to Yale, and I never bought a house.
I just said it to impress you.
Also, my mother doesn't have cancer."
Right, you've never been more annoyed
that someone doesn't have cancer.
(audience laughing)
So for the last six, or...
(audience laughing)
For the last six or seven months,
I've really wrestled with this.
It's a traumatic thing, and I've really tried to figure out
a spiritual meaning, some sort of life lesson
I can extrapolate from this
and use in a healthy way for the rest of my life,
and after all is said and done,
the life lesson I've learned is
never talk to the person sitting next to you on an airplane.
Actually, if we have time for this,
I think I've also taught a life lesson,
and that is, if you're gonna mess with someone
because you're a crazy person,
try not messing with a standup comedian
who has access to a national television show.
Go (bleep) yourself, Brian Murphy. Thank you.