This morning we are going to discuss
our self-destructive behavior or self-sabotage.
This is an issue which is dear to everyone's ego
because it's what we all indulge in.
In fact, one could easily say that the simple fact of our being born
is the most self-destructive thing we could ever do,
because it's an attempt to deny our true reality as Christ,
our true identity as Spirit,
and substituting instead a very shabby image of ourselves
as weak and vulnerable in a body.
Once we recognize that that's why, at least from our ego's point of view,
we came into this world, we could then see that every single thing
we have ever done since and are still doing and will yet do,
as long as we come from our ego,
will be designed to continually reinforce this initial self-sabotage.
It's a way of proving once again that I'm a body
and not only am I a body, not only am I a body that suffers,
but it's not my fault.
So even when we indulge in what clearly is self-sabotage,
for example, we continually get into accidents when we drive,
or we continually cut ourselves with a knife while we're preparing food to eat,
or we're continually acting in such a way
that our bosses will be unhappy with us and fire us.
And when we continually do this, there is still a thought behind this
that says but I did not make myself this way.
Sure, I'm a failure. Sure, I'm inadequate. Sure, I'm a terrible person,
but somebody did this to me. It was not my fault.
It was my upbringing. It was my parents.
It was the country I was born into,
the racial/religious group I was born into.
It's my genes. It's my past lives. It's the cosmos.
It's what the planets are doing
and they are in the wrong house always when it come to me,
or whatever it is, it's not my fault.
So even when we are directly attacking ourselves
rather than enjoying someone else's attacks,
it still serves the purpose of reinforcing the original idea that I
that I have separated from who I am,
I am separated from my source, and now I must pay the price for it.
And indeed our whole lives are predicated on the principle
that we suffer, whether at our own hands or anyone else's,
but it still reinforces the idea that we exist.
And that, of course, is the fundamental dictum of the ego, I exist.
I'm not part of God's perfect Being, His perfect Love or His Oneness.
I exist as a separated entity and, of course, our birth into bodies
is proof positive that we have pulled off the impossible.
So as we go through our daily lives
and we see how we hurt ourselves.
We eat foods that we know will hurt us.
We wear clothing that we know will not be good.
We'll act in such a way that we drive the people we love away from us
or our supervisors and bosses away from us,
that we will continually do things that we know ahead of time will hurt us.
We know that if we do the workbook faithfully,
it would make us feel better and happier but we don't do that.
On whatever level we become aware
that the first law of chaos is true, there is no hierarchy of illusions.
There's no hierarchy of self-sabotage.
And behind it all is that ego thought that says
the way I will continue to exist is by demonstrating that I am here—
I'm here in a body, but it is not my fault.
If I suffer, it proves that I exist.
So Lesson 190 has the line that says,
"If there is God, there is no pain. If there is pain, there is no God."
So the more that I could suffer
whether I gleefully suffer at your hands,
and we all are gleeful when we suffer because we love being victims,
or I gleefully suffer at my own hands,
I am saying if I am suffering, there is no God.
And if there is no God, there is only me, there's only the ego.
And so, once again, we are triumphant.
So what is very, very important and what is very helpful
and would be an essential part of our forgiveness of ourselves
is to recognize that we have a tremendous need to hurt ourselves
and it doesn't matter whether my body hurts at my own hand
or at someone else's hand as long as I could prove that there is suffering.
There is depression. There is anxiety. There is guilt.
There is physical pain. As long as that is there,
following that ego principle, if there is pain there is no God,
then that means that I exist.
Because if the other is true, if there is God, there is no pain,
and I accept the fact that I am a child of God
at One with His perfect Love and perfect Oneness,
then I cannot be in pain.
So the way that I prove that I exist is to give myself pain
and to just continually attack myself.
So it all comes down to purpose. If I understand the purpose
of my self-sabotaging behavior, of my self-destructiveness,
if I could see that purpose,
that gives me a chance to say I could really choose again.
This is not something that my bad genes are doing to me.
It's not something that the world is doing to me.
It is something that I have done
and because it is my mind that has chosen it,
it is my mind that can go back to the true teacher and say
please help me choose again and at that point,
all the self-sabotage would end.