- I have so many false teeth in my mouth because
I did stupid things and got into, you know, silly fights
that were totally avoidable.
These are just dumb things about growing up in a
totally, you know, ridiculous environment for young boys
and stuff like that.
But you know, you grow up, you learn,
and I like to think that I've learned.
Today is day 529 of quarantine
and I'm slowly losing my mind.
That's how I feel.
I have been, you know, working hard
to do my part to stay inside,
but it's also taking its toll on my mental state.
So I really have to work overtime
to find things to engage myself and distract myself,
and speak with my therapist every Tuesday via Skype call,
and we have worked out that I need to
develop my own routine while I'm inside
and so that's currently on my list.
I have like, established blocks
and I'll interchange the blocks every day
but I'll have like, a block is like, meditate and journal
and I do a 10 to 15 minute meditation
depending on my focus that morning.
So it helps me sort of think a little bit
about my behavior and how I choose to behave.
And yeah, as long as I journal
as long as I get some words out,
afterwards I'll have some tea and I'll read some news.
At the moment I'm trying to read...
I'm trying to minimize my coronavirus intake
just because it makes me very anxious.
So I'll sort of, I'll read maybe 5 to 10 minutes of
coronavirus information, just things that are sort of
crucial information and then afterwards
I'll sort of read everything that I can
that's news that is not coronavirus related.
Just to remind myself that there are other things
happening in the world.
That you know, that the world still exists
and we're still moving forward.
And then my next block will be something for myself.
Play PlayStation.
I bought a PS4.
So I will play 'FIFA' or I will watch
'Desus & Mero,'
or any show that I feel like watching, or a docuseries,
and I'll do that for like, a couple of hours.
And then afterwards, I'll ride my bicycle or go for a walk.
It's taken a long time to get that balance.
I'm not actually always very balanced.
I have bipolar.
So it's hard for me to find balance, unfortunately.
But I work, and it just means I have to work harder
to find balance.
I mean, sometimes I don't feel like following the schedule,
and when I feel that coming on
I'll give myself a day or two days.
I'll allow myself to relish in that procrastination.
So if I feel like exercising, I will if I don't I won't.
I don't hold myself, you know, accountable for this week
but then that ends on Sunday,
and then I'm back on the wagon.
So I give myself some time to just splurge if I feel that,
if I feel like I'm rejecting routine or anything,
and then once I, you know, put a lid on that
and I've finished that,
I go back to regular program.
I had a really rough 2018.
I had a really really rough 2018,
and while, you know I actually,
while I was experiencing a really rough year personally,
professionally, things were just exploding for me
and so I was really dealing with this duality of
really struggling personally and then
really, you know, publicly doing very well.
And I kind of got to this point where I was like,
"I can't try to hide what I'm dealing with personally,
"and I also can't treat it
like it's something that needs to be hidden." You know?
I was just like, it's just easier for me to just say it.
It's easier for me to just put it out there
therefore I don't need to pretend it doesn't exist
I don't need to, you know, turn it into some boogeyman
hiding in the closet.
I don't need to be alone dealing with it. You know?
If I just put it out there
I can just call it what it is,
I don't have to give it any more attention than it deserves,
and I can just say, "Cool that's bipolar.
"That's what that is, cool.
"I'm not the only one that deals with it.
A lot of us do and it's not the end of the world."
This is the interesting thing,
people feeling the need to pretend that
they don't have mental illnesses because it's a bad thing.
There's nothing bad about having a mental illness,
it just means you have to do things a little differently.
That's it. It's like somebody with diabetes.
It's just a health ailment, that's all it is,
is we need to do things or take a prescribed medication
just to heal a little differently,
and to navigate the world a little differently.
Nothing wrong with us.
That's just the way it is.
The great thing about 'Insecure'
is the absolute humanity that's shown at all times.
You know nothing, I don't think that anything is really
you know shown as like, a caricature
or you know, unrealistic of humanity.
And so, getting to play Andrew,
I really, you know, his best friend on the show has bipolar.
So it's really cool to explore what's going on
not from my personal experience of having bipolar,
but as somebody close to me would.
You know, understanding that mental illness
it's funny, mental illness, it isn't
just something that affects the person who has it,
it affects the, there's a blast radius you know.
It affects the people around them.
And this show has allowed me to really
explore what that feels like.
To be a friend of somebody
who's dealing with what I deal with on a day-to-day,
and that's been really great.
Yes thank you for reminding me actually
it's been a while since I've touched it.
But I wrote myself a manifesto.
I wrote myself a manifesto
that are words of you know, affirmation for myself.
Just like reminding me of who I am,
reminding me of what's important to me
and sort of, you know it's kind of like an anchor
through the storm.
When I'm having a really rough day or a bad day
or getting really oppositionally you know defiant
or things like that,
returning to this mantra reminding myself of who I am
reminding myself of what is important to me,
who I care about,
that really can help sort of ground me
in difficult times.
But some days I just wake up
and I'm in a really (beep) mood.
And when I do that, I also have to just
breathe and forgive myself.
I have to breathe and remember that I'm human.
And breathe and remember that
that's just where I'm at sometimes.
And so I will remind myself of the things that I enjoy,
the things I like.
And so if I don't have the energy to go for a run,
if I don't have the motivation to go for like a big workout,
I just go for a walk in the sun.
Remind myself that I love being in the sun.
So as long as I get out there
things start feeling a little bit better.