So I actually went
through a religious phase.
I did.
Some of you
can relate because you're like,
we're still in it.
All right.
(audience laughing)
I dated this girl one time.
I've dated like all the religions.
I dated this girl one time.
She was Jehovah's Witness.
Yeah.
We dated two years.
A lot of problems.
The main problem was every time
she came over I wouldn't let her in.
That was just--
(audience laughing)
two years,
she's knocking on the door,
I'm hiding behind the couch.
(audience laughing)
Don't move.
(audience laughing)
Jehovah.
Interesting religion.
It really is.
Interesting religion.
I'm fascinated by all the religions.
They don't celebrate any holidays.
Isn't that weird?
That's the best part of religion.
Why would you not do that?
They don't celebrate birthdays,
right?
They don't celebrate Christmas.
They don't even celebrate Halloween.
You think the one holiday
they'd celebrate.
Everybody's out knocking on doors.
(audience laughing)
It'd be like a national holiday,
you know what I mean?
The door's open.
I don't know.
(audience laughing)
She tried to teach me all the stuff,
you know?
She's like, apparently only 144,000
people are going to make it
into heaven.
I'm thinking, those kind of odds,
I don't have a prayer, you know?
I couldn't even get Hamilton
tickets.
Like I'm going to get heaven
tickets.
(audience laughing)
I got to compete in line with
Mother Teresa?
I don't think so.
(audience laughing)
Religion is fascinating.
The Bible-- yes, yeah, let's talk
about the Bible.
I believe in the Bible.
I do.
I think all those people were there.
I think a few things might have been
exaggerated.
We don't know, right?
Jesus walking on the water.
Maybe.
Maybe he was just walking
on a sandbar.
We don't really know, right?
We've all been to Florida.
Look, I'm Jesus.
(audience laughing)
No?
OK.
(audience laughing)
I get it.
I dated a Hindu girl.
I did.
We actually got along great.
We did.
Never any beef.
(audience laughing)
She was vegetarian.
Any vegetarians?
Anybody?
Yeah.
I feel like some of you are here.
You just don't have the energy
to respond, I guess.
(audience laughing)
She was a vegetarian.
And we fought a lot, because--
but I love animals.
I do.
But I also love to eat them
and wear them.
(audience laughing)
And we had a few fights.
We did.
We had this fight.
She said, "if you really loved
"animals, you'd stop eating meat.
"You'd only eat lettuce, carrots,
"grains, vegetables, kale."
I said, if you really loved animals,
you'd stop eating all their food.
I think that's--
(audience laughing)
Because of you,
there's a skinny bunny going,
what happened to all the carrots?
(audience laughing)
I've got to break
into this Whole Foods.
(audience laughing)
Break into this Whole Foods.
I've dated all kinds of girls.
I did.
I dated a Mormon girl.
I did, sir.
I did.
Yeah.
Next thing you know,
I was knocking on doors.
(audience laughing)
Wearing a name tag, riding a bicycle
in South America.
That's right.
I'm just like you.
Yeah.
I CTR'ed, I MTC'ed, and I BYU'ed.
I did.
BYU Idaho.
It's harder to get into.
(audience laughing)
It is, because you have to find
a Groupon.
(audience laughing)
Ricks college?
Nobody?
OK.
Whatever.
All right.
(audience laughing)
I love the Mormons.
I do.
I joined the Church
because my family was crazy.
Everybody got arrested.
It was a whole thing.
And I feel the only way to rebel
against my family
was to go the other direction.
They're doing shots of tequila,
I'm doing shots of milk,
because like, I'll show you.
All right.
(audience laughing)
I love Mormon families.
They really took care of me.
They did.
It was great.
It was always creepy, though.
I'd always go to dinner with them
and stuff, and everybody would be
nice to each other.
I was like,
what's happening right now?
(audience laughing)
Nobody's calling the cops.
What do you mean we're going
to play Trivial Pursuit?
This is weird.
(audience laughing)
I dated a Muslim girl.
Any Muslims?
OK.
No joke for that.
I was just doing a security sweep.
Just--
(audience laughing)
Just-- It's comedy, people.
I love the Muslims.
Stop it.
Don't judge me.
I say it up here, you say it
in your car.
You're no better than me.
(audience laughing)
Loosen up.
Come on.
Let's get crazy.
Don't get weird.
(audience laughing)