- Okay people, here we are.
Tuesday, best jokes yesterday were
the testicle eating festival.
They didn't do it
'cause they didn't have the balls to do it.
That was number one,
and then CGI hedgehog, teeth luck a little bucky.
I did love that one.
Here's today's, Meghan Markle,
her royal title has been taken off charity websites,
however it has been added to her voiceover resume.
Meg Markle, actual princess, hire me.
I can wear the crown, crown, no crown?
Okay, just go, all right.
SAG-AFTRA, bond girl Léa Seydoux,
Seydoux with an X, unpronounceable,
(singing) oh, unpronounceable.
Bam Bam, wah wah.
She's unpronounceable.
She said Bond fans are going to cry
when they see the next movie, which is full of emotion
and very moving.
It sounds like they have a new villain, Tear Jerker.
Played by Rami Malek, remember that guy?
(sings intro to "We Will Rock You" by Queen)
You know that song.
"The Bachelor's" Peter Weber has announced plans
to move out of his parent's house
for New York or LA.
Just a heads up.
There's usually more traffic in these places
than there is right now, so don't get spoiled.
You know what his mom Barb said?
"You're not gonna chase that ho Hannah out there.
No wait, I like Hannah, you're not gonna chase
that ho Madison.
She's a ho by now, Peter, wake up,
no one's a virgin, I lost my virginity
at a slumber party when I was 14, all right?
I'm not saying boy or girl, don't judge Peter.
Peter."
Peta bread.
"I'm saying Peter."
I'll work on your eye-line, yesterday I was like this.
My eye-line, I'm supposed to look
at the little dot fucking lens,
it's way off if I go one inch
to the right. - [Woman] Did you go blind
in one eye yesterday?
- Bethenny Frankel's donating 250,000 corona masks
to the hospitals.
Apparently, she ordered a few dozen
through her company, and the other 249,000 left over
from her own plastic surgeries.
(groans) They give you a few extra on the way home.
That one's, she's nice.
Okay, Target is being sued by people who say
their store-brand hand sanitizer doesn't stop coronavirus.
You know what else doesn't stop coronavirus?
Going to Target.
(spring boings)
Not a great one.
I'll try it again.
(horn honks) Okay, I hit that one right.
(mimics horn) the Magic Castle
in Hollywood has laid off 189 employees
after closing due to corona.
That's how good they are at magic.
"Watch this guys."
They have a big meeting.
"190 of you will disappear." (mimics magic sound)
Everyone's like, "What?"
"Oh, you're fired.
That was like a magic way of telling you
you're all fired, I know."
No, I like the Magic Castle, and now I feel bad.
That place was good, they should bring it back.
But I did mean that.
Woody Allen's memoir has been released
by a new publisher after the first one bailed, okay?
The new publisher argued that this isn't the worse thing
to be released to the public in the last couple months.
It's a close second, but it's not the worst.
You know what the first one is?
(dramatic music builds)
COVID-19,
provocative.
Germany's restricted all gatherings
of more than two people,
so good news Germans,
you can still have your special lady drop a deuce
on your chest.
They're into porn.
(spring boings)
Boner.
Facebook donated their reserve of 720,000 emergency masks.
I think I speak for everyone when I say,
thanks Facebook, but what were you planning?
Itchy face book. (booing crowds)
Yeah, exactly.
"Oh, you need grenades?
We have 50,000 million if you,"
What?
Why would you?
What are you?
Are you?
Stevie Nicks compared Harry Style's album "Fine Line"
to Fleetwood Mac album "Rumours".
She said, "It's not even close to as good as 'Rumours'."
That's a comparison, though.
She didn't say it was,
here's his album, here, I've got a track from it.
(nails on chalkboard)
That was nails on a chalkboard.
That's a good one, fucking soundboard.
A staffer at Buckingham Palace contracted coronavirus,
which means they can't touch or get very close to the queen.
Oh my God, this must be a massive life change for them.
Hey queen, we can't high five anymore,
I'm so sorry, no fist-bumps (firework noise)
Oh, queen, sorry, I can't hand you my script to read.
I guess I'm just gonna have to stare
from a distance at the ground, like always.
Hobby Lobby CEO told employees that God told him
to keep the arts and crafts store open
during this pandemic.
What he doesn't know is that it's
for God's new prank show on Netflix.
What a bird, he's gonna look like the biggest asshole.
New York liquor stores are deemed essential businesses.
Another New York essential business?
The guy dressed as Elmo jerking off in Times Square.
Hey kids, look, by kids I mean parents.
Ding, only in New York.
New York's full of a lotta crazies.
I gotta tell you,
Well, that's the show.
(motorcycle engine revs) I'm outta here.
I cant' drive this.
(chill club music)