Myths are not stories that are untrue.
Rather, they are tales that don't fit neatly into the historical record,
which serve as a foundation to a culture.
A great army marches across the land.
Led by a fearsome warrior queen, they approach a mighty river at the border, and prepare to cross into enemy territory.
But suddenly, out of the forest, a lone figure approaches, and issues a challenge.
No one may pass, until they face him in single combat.
And unbeknown to the host of warriors below, somewhere in the distance, a dark beautiful being is watching, waiting, and pulling the strings of fate.
Mysterious and seductive, the Morrigan commands fate, death, prosperity, and ruin.
A mighty protectress, she looks after the land, nurtures its stock, guides its people, and oversees its military security.
She is a wily shapeshifter, and when she is truly needed by her people, she takes on one of her many forms, and intervenes in human affairs disguised .
And that is exactly what the Morrigan did when she witnessed the hero Cuchulainn
defend his home province of Ulster from the fearsome warrior Queen Maeve of Connacht.
You see, Queen Maeve had a long-running competition with her husband to see which of them had the most wealth.
And though they both possessed a variety of extravagant riches, her husband still owned one thing she did not: a prize bull.
And though she searced her kingdom of Connacht high and low, she could not find a bull to rival his.
However, there was one in the neighboring province of Ulster.
So she went and found its owner, and offered to buy it.
He refused.
She then offered him twice its value.
But he refused again.
And when she offered more money, and even land, a third time he rejected her.
For he simply had no interest in selling his most prized possession to a scary foreign ruler.
Queen Maeve was furious.
Storming home to Connacht, she then did what any sensible ruler would do in a situation like this.
Raise her armies, and launch a full on invasion of Ulster.
Now normally, the Ulstermen would have no problem rising to the challenge and readying for war.
However, the king of Ulster had recently disrespected the Morrigan, so she had cursed his army with a nine day illness.
And the only fighter who is unaffected from the curse was Cuchulainn, for he was the son of a god.
Determined to stop the advancing armies, Cuchulainn, along with his long time friend Láeg, the greatest charioteer in the land, went to meet the advancing army.
And when they arrived, Cuchulainn challenged the entire army of Queen Maeve to single combat, in order to stall their advance.
(Which also essentially sidelined his best bud.)
In response to this bold move, Queen Maeve offered the hand of her only daughter in marriage to any of her warriors who could defeat Cuchulainn in battle,
as honor demanded that they accept his challenge, before advancing on.
The first warrior stepped forward.
Muscular and massive, but Cuchulainn beat them with ease.
Then, a second warrior approached.
Fast and lithe like a serpent, but still, they were not match for the hero.
Warrior after warrior of Queen Maeve's army fell to Cuchulainn.
The man was unstoppable.
He defeated every single challenger he faced, invoking the right of single combat, again, and again, and again.
For weeks, and eventually months, he burned through Maeve's forces one by one, day after day, giving Ulster time to sure up its defenses, and prepare for invasion.
And all this patriotism and martial skill did not go unnoticed.
Someone was watching.
Nothing was so beautiful to the Morrigan as courage and skill in combat.
And if that skill is used in defense of her own realm, simply irresistible.
Infatuated by Cuchulainn and his deeds, the Morrigan fell deeply in love.
So she took the form of a beautiful princess, went to the battlefield, and made her move.
But despite her divine beauty, Cuchulainn rejected her, as he was focused on stopping the army, and probably thought dating could wait.
But you don't just swipe left on a beautiful, terrifying goddess of war and death.
Hohoho, no you do not.
It was now the Morrigan who was furious, and she would have her revenge.
First, she transformed into an eel, and tried to trip and drown him as he crossed a river.
But Cuchulainn recovered, and struck the eel, breaking its ribs.
Next, she transformed herself into a wolf, and drove a great stampede of cattle toward Cuchulainn, in an attempt to trample him under their mighty hooves.
But he stood his ground, and loosed a stone from his sling, and blinded the wolf in one eye.
With her wolf form injured, she then transformed into a red eared cow at the head of the stampede, and charged straight for Cuchulainn.
He not only evaded her charge, but he also broke her leg, with a second shot from his sling.
Forced again to retreat, the Morrigan reconsidered her tactics.
This was no ordinary mortal she was dealing with, after all.
So she appeared in his dreams that night, as a vision of an old woman, washing his bloodied armor in a river.
"A gruesome death will meet you this day, hehehehe!"
She taunted.
Cuchulainn awoke with a start.
Oh, it was just a bad dream, right?
Eugh, no matter.
Better get back to single-handedly defeating an entire army!
On the way to the battlefield, Cuchulainn came across three old women by the side of the road, and they offered him breakfast.
Then, while he ate, one of the women rasped:
"I have a prophecy for you. Today, the first three spears you cast, will kill three kings."
Cuchulainn didn't know it, but these three women were also the Morrigan in disguise, and the meat that they fed him was cursed.
And as he ate, his strength was ebbing away.
However, his confidence was emboldened by this woman's prophecy.
And Cuchulainn charged into the next round of fighting, with his trusty buddy Láeg always watching nearby.
Queen Maeve's warriors formed a circle around Cuchulainn, and the first opponent of the day made his way inside.
Remembering the prophecy, Cuchulainn confidently threw his first spear, which did kill his enemy instantly.
But as he basked in the glory of yet another victory, one of Maeve's soldiers picked up the spear, and threw it back at him.
Now the Morrigan watching all of this, didn't think that Cuchulainn had suffered enough for rejecting her.
So she redirected the spear over Cuchulainn's shoulders, and right into Láeg's heart.
Thus, a king of charioteers died, and the first part of the prophecy was fulfilled.
Enraged, Cuchulainn threw his second spear, which pierced through yet another of Maeve's oblivious champions.
But yet again, a warrior grabbed it, and threw it back.
This time, with the Morrigan making sure, the spear felled Cuchulainn's horse.
R- seriously?
The horse?
What did the horse ever do?
As he fell to his knees and wept, a king among horses died, fulfilling the second part of the prophecy.
Now far too distraught to have learned a lesson, Cuchulainn threw his final spear, missing completely.
And one last time, an enemy warrior threw his spear back, finally striking Cuchulainn himself.
Thus would die a king among men, satisfying the Morrigan's rage, and completing the prophecy.
Now mortally wounded, Cuchulainn could not bear the thought of dying on the ground like an animal.
So he tied himself upright to a rock.
And as he breathed his last breath, the Morrigan took a form of a black crow, and landed on his shoulder.
When he saw her, he finally figured out that the princess, the creatures, and all of the old women had been the Morrigan all along.
Realizing his folly, he died with a bitter laugh on his lips,
as the Morrigan cawed, in celebration of her victory over the mighty warrior, warning any others who might dare cross her.
The Morrigan has inspired many stories over the ages.
From the Arthurian legends, to modern day tales.
So if you happen to see a dark black raven fly overhead, stay on the safe side, and show some respect.
Or at the very least, share your marshmallows.
Because you just might be in the presence of a goddess.
Legendary thanks to Ahmed Ziad Turk, Alicia Bramble, Casey Muscha, Dominic Valenciana, Gunnar Clovis, Kyle Murgatroyd, El Mamoune Cherkaoui, and Orels1.