♪ ♪
>> Greg: YEAH!
LOOK AT THAT!
HOW BEAUTIFUL THAT SET LOOKS!
HAPPY THURSDAY, EVERYONE!
IT’S MY SECOND FAVORITE DAY
AFTER SPA DAY.
I LOVE GIVING COUPLES MASSAGES.
IN MY VAN.
HEY, LET’S ROLL IT.
>> GREGG’S MONOLOGUE OF THE
WEEK.
>> BECAUSE THE NEWS IS REALLY
BORING RIGHT NOW AND HE HAD TO
COME UP WITH SOMETHING.
>> Greg: TONIGHT MONOLOGUE,
EVIL.
YEAH.
AN UPLIFTING TOPIC, RIGHT?
IT WAS EITHER EVIL OR THIS.
>> YOU’RE THE GUY WHO SAID
GONORRHEA WAS MORE WORSE THAN
THE COLD.
I’LL BET YOU NEVER HAVE A COLD
THAT FELT JUST LIKE THAT, DID
YOU?
>> I MUST’VE GOT IT ON THE
TOILET SEAT.
>> THAT’S A HELL OF A PLACE TO
TAKE A GIRL.
>> Greg: I LOVE THAT!
YEAH, I WILL TAKE EVIL.
EVIL OBVIOUSLY EXISTS BUT DOES
CALLING PEOPLE EVIL HELP YOU WIN
AN ARGUMENT?
OR IS IT LIKE ME AFTER THREE
AFRO SPORTS IS, JUST TOO EASY?
AND REALLY, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING AWFUL, JUST SAYING
IT’S EVIL WON’T STOP IT.
I MEAN, "THE VIEW" IS IN ITS
25TH YEAR.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: I KID.
THEY AREN’T EVIL, THEY’RE JUST
WRONG.
SO WHAT IS EVIL?
WELL, COMMUNISTS ARE EVIL,
FASCISTS ARE EVIL. CATS ARE EVIL.
CATS ARE EVIL.
ESPECIALLY THAT ONE.
WHEN YOU GET IN A DEBATE ABOUT
STUFF, SUCH EVIL BRANDING SUCKS.
THE LEFT WILL OFTEN CALL YOU
EVIL TO END CONVERSATION, WHICH
IS WHY I’M GLAD ONE GERALDO DOES
IT.
BECAUSE THEN IT’S A CONVERSATION
CONVERSATION.
THEY WILL OFTEN CALL YOU
SOMETHING WORSE, LIKE RACIST.
IT’S A WONDER
GOVERNOR DeSANTIS SAID NO TO
DOING THE SHOW AFTER THEY ASKED,
AND AFTER A PAST YEAR WHERE
THEY’VE SMEARED AND WHAT ONE OF
JOY BEHAR’S EIGHT MORNING
BAGELS, THEY’VE THROWN MORE
SHADE HIS WAY THAN STELTER DOES
SITTING ON A SNOW GLOBE.
JUST VISUALIZE IT.
BUT HOW CAN YOU BE CIVIL WITH
PEOPLE LIKE THIS?
>> YOU’RE JUST SHORT OF CALLING
HIM A NEGLIGENT HOMICIDAL
SOCIOPATH, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT
HE IS.
HE’S RISKING THE LIVES OF
CHILDREN, CHILDREN’S PARENTS,
THEIR GRANDPARENTS, ANYONE THEY
MAY COME IN CONTACT WITH, SO
THAT HE CAN APPEAL TO HIS WHITES
A PREMISES BASE.
>> I THINK HE’S A FASCIST AND A
BIG IT.
>> IT’S ANTIBLACK.
IT’S ANTIGAY, ANTI-LGBTQ+.
>> IT’S ANTI-AMERICAN.
>> IT STARTED WITH CRT.
YOU START COMING AFTER BLACK
PEOPLE, WHAT COMES NEXT, RIGHT?
OF COURSE THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY.
AND THEN WOMEN AND THE AND
MARGINALIZED GROUPS.
>> Greg: MY SOUL IS BLEEDING.
SO BASICALLY HE IS A RACIST,
SEXIST, TRANS-PHOBIC HOMOPHOBE.
IN OTHER WORDS, EVIL.
AND ONCE ARE EVIL, WHO NEEDS
CONVERSATION?
IT ELIMINATES DIALOGUE, MEANING
ALL THAT’S LEFT IS AGGRESSION.
I WAS GUILTY OF THIS ONCE.
I’M PRETTY SURE I CALLED PELOSI
EVIL.
AND NOT TO HER FACE.
OR AT LEAST HER MOST RECENT FACE
FACE.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
TERRIBLE.
AND I’M SURE I CALLED THIS BLOCK
OF WOOD EVIL ONE REALLY HE’S
NOT, HE’S JUST DUMB AS A BLOCK
OF WOOD.
WHO ELSE IS EVIL?
WELL, THE PERSON WHO INVENTED
DOUBLE STUFFED OREOS, THAT’S FOR
SURE.
IN THE GUY AT THE GYM WHO FILLED
MY SPEEDO WITH NAIR.
NOW I HAVE TO DO MY POLE DANCING
IN JEANS.
WHY DID I SIGN UP FOR THOSE
CLASSES?
AND PEOPLE, THEY CALLED ME EVIL
TOO, WHICH IS HARD TO BELIEVE.
I’M SO LOVABLE IT HURTS.
AT LEAST FOR SEVEN TO TEN DAYS
AND THEN IT GOES AWAY.
BUT I CERTAINLY DON’T THINK I’M
EVIL, SO IT STANDS TO REASON THE
PEOPLE I CALL EVIL DON’T
CONSIDER THEMSELVES EVIL EITHER.
IF YOU ASK LUCIFER HIMSELF IF HE
WAS EVIL, HE WOULD PROBABLY BE
LIKE HEY, I’M NOTING AT THE
BEACH, BUT I’M NO JOY REID
EITHER.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
SO LIBERALS AREN’T EVIL EVEN IF
THEY THINK WE ARE.
IT’S THE KEY DIFFERENCE THAT
CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER NOTED FIRST.
WE THINK THEY ARE WRONG, THEY
THINK WE ARE EVIL.
IT IS SOMETHING TO REMEMBER WHEN
YOU’RE TRYING TO PERSUADE
PEOPLE.
AS RUSSIA INVADED UKRAINE, WE
CALLED PUTIN EVIL, WHAT DOES HE
THINK HE’S EVIL?
NO, HE JUST THINGS HE’S WORKING
ON BEHALF OF MOTHER RUSSIA WILL
KILL ANYONE TO DO IT.
HELL, HE VIOLATED INTERNATIONAL
LAW AND THOSE SHORT WAS
HORSEBACK PHOTOS WERE A CRIME
AGAINST AMENITY.
IS GEORGE SOROS EVIL?
MAYBE.
MAYBE NOT.
BUT REALLY, WHAT IF HE’S JUST
DUMB?
I MEAN, DOES THIS GUY REALLY
THINK MORE MURDERS IS A GOOD
THING?
MAYBE HE’S JUST A PSYCHOPATH
LIKE SO MANY CORPORATE HEADS.
NOT OURS THOUGH.
THEY’RE THE BEST.
PLEASE GIVE MY PUPPY BACK.
BUT THE IDEA THAT HE’S A BATMAN
VILLAIN MAKES IT EASIER TO
CATEGORIZE HIM.
THE "HE’S EVIL" ARGUMENT SAVES
TIME AND ENERGY.
MASS SHOOTERS -- THEY ARE EVIL.
BUT THAT’S JUST THE FIRST STEP
IN THAT PROBLEM.
WHAT MADE THEM EVIL?
DRUGS, ISOLATION, MENTAL ILLNESS
AND CULTURE THAT APPLAUDS
VIOLENCE, MEDIA COVERAGE?
BRIAN KILMEADE LAST BOOK TO
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
THE POINT, CALLING SOMEONE EVIL
CAN BE ACCURATE BUT IT BLUNTS
EFFORTS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT COMES
NEXT.
FOR THAT YOU NEED STRATEGIC
EMPATHY.
YOU NEED TO ASK WHY SOMETHING
HAPPENED, BUT TEMPORARILY
EXCLUDE YOURSELF FROM SAYING
BECAUSE THEY ARE EVIL.
WHY DID PUTIN INVADE UKRAINE?
WHY DOES SOROS FUND IDIOTIC
PROSECUTORS WHO RUIN OUR LIVES?
WHY DOES A SICK FIEND KILLED
DOZENS OF CHILDREN?
IF WE KNEW WHY PUTIN INVADE --
WE DID KNOW, HE WARNED US A
BUNCH, KIND OF AWAY CHINA IS
WARNING US NOW.
AND A BRITTNEY GRINER JUST GOT
NINE YEARS FOR POT.
JOE BIDEN IS DEMANDING THAT
RUSSIA SET HER FREE.
BUT HOW DO YOU CALL HIM UP TO
HAVE THAT CONVERSATION AFTER
YOU’VE ALREADY LABELED HIM AN
EVIL WAR CRIMINAL?
LANGUAGE PAINTS US INTO CORNERS.
GEORGE SOROS CLAIMS IS ALL ABOUT
CRIMINAL JUSTICE AND HE MAY
BELIEVE IT, WHICH MEANS HE’S NOT
EVIL, HE’S JUST STUPID.
REALLY STUPID, LIKE JOY BEHAR
STUPID, IF THAT’S POSSIBLE.
BUT CALLING HIM EVIL MRS. WHAT’S
REALLY GOING ON, WHICH AS HE HAS
NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON.
HE’S MORE INSULATED FROM THE
REAL WORLD THAN A KARDASHIAN,
WITH WAY WORSE PICTURES OF HIS
BUTT.
YOU DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT THAT.
IT AFFECTED STUPID PEOPLE CAN BE
EFFECTIVE AT CERTAIN THINGS,
GOOD OR EVIL.
MASS SHOOTERS, IF YOU SALT DOME
I CALL THE SCUM EVIL, RIGHT BUT
YOU’VE GOT TO LOOK CLOSER, THE
INCENTIVE IS IN FOR ME.
IF I KILL MORE THAN THE LAST GUY
ON LIVE FOREVER.
IT’S LIKE TRYING TO OUTSCORE
ANOTHER VIDEO GAME OR THEY ARE
COMPETING AGAINST ON THEIR
LAPTOP.
ONCE YOU SEE THAT COMING TO SEE
THE SOLUTION, A MEDIA BLACKOUT.
WE CAN COVER WHAT HAPPENED
WITHOUT MAKING EACH PERP FAMOUS.
WHILE EVIL EXISTS, IT’S
OFTENTIMES A FACT THAT YOU
SHOULD PUT ASIDE THAT YOU NEED
TO SOLVE A PROBLEM.
BUT OF COURSE THAT SUGGESTION
BECAUSE OF THE WINDOW IF THE
PERSON IS ABSOLUTELY TRULY EVIL
AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
ABOUT IT.
I’M SURE YOU’LL KNOW THAT WHEN
YOU SEE IT.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
LET’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S GUESTS!
IS THE LAST THING TERRORISTS SEE
BEFORE THEY TURN OFF THE TV.
A FORMER CIA OPERATIVE AND HOST
OF BLACK FILES DECLASSIFIED ON
DISCOVERY SCIENCE CHANNEL,
MIKE BAKER!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
AND THE WAY THIS GENERAL TALKS
YOU WOULD THINK IS FROM A
FOREIGN COUNTRY, ACTOR GREG
ELLIS!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
WHEN SHE RETURNED HER SKINNY
JEANS FOR BEING TOO ROOMY.
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
AND HE CALLS THE ATLANTIC
SHALLOW END.
MY MASSIVE SIDEKICK AND THE NWA
WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION,
TYRUS!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: MIKE BAKER, I BEGIN
WITH THE EXPERT ON EVIL.
>> I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT.
>> Greg: YOU KNOW IT WHEN YOU
SEE IT, JUST LIKE PORN.
>> YEAH.
>> Greg: YOU ARE A CIA AGENT
SO YOU ALWAYS FIGHTING WHAT WE
BELIEVE TO BE EQUAL.
YOU BELIEVE IN STRATEGIC
EMPATHY, THE IDEA OF YOU HAVE TO
SET THAT ASIDE AND ACTUALLY LOOK
AT WHAT THEIR INTEREST AND
INTENTIONS ARE?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
INTENTIONS AND MOTIVATIONS IN
ORDER TO WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING,
WHATEVER ITS, YOU KNOW,
IDENTIFYING EVIL OR PERHAPS
TERMINATING A TARGET.
YOU’VE GOT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT
THOSE INTENTIONS AND MOTIVATIONS
ARE.
AND BY THE WAY, I ALMOST FORGOT
TO MENTION THIS, ALL THESE YEARS
WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER, I HAD NO
IDEA YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT CATS.
NOW I’M SAD.
JUST GOT ANOTHER RESCUE CAT,
THAT’S TWO.
>> Greg: YOU ARE TURNING INTO
A LITTLE OLD LADY.
>> BUT WE ALSO HAVE SEVERAL DOGS
AND A HAMSTER.
>> Greg: HAVE YOU GOT THE
HOUSECOAT YET?
>> [LAUGHS]
I THINK YOU HAVEN’T SEEN MY
HOUSE.
WE DON’T HAVE MATCHING HOUSE
COATS.
>> Greg: SO YOU ARE BEING VERY
EVASIVE.
>> YEAH, I AM.
[LAUGHS]
>> Greg: YOU COP KILLING
PEOPLE YEARS AGO I HOPE, SO YOU
CAN ANSWER THIS -- DO YOU
BELIEVE THAT EVIL EXISTS?
>> ABSOLUTELY, SURE.
BUT I DO THINK THAT THIS
OFTENTIMES WE ARE QUICK TO USE
THE PHRASE.
I THINK YOUR MONOLOGUE WAS SPOT
ON.
I THINK WE ARE VERY QUICK TO
THROW THAT OUT THERE, RIGHT?
BECAUSE WORDS DON’T REALLY MEAN
ANYTHING ANYMORE.
IT’S JUST BIZARRE HOW EVERYTHING
IS THE WORST I’VE EVER SEEN.
EVERYTHING IS THE MOST HORRIBLE
SITUATION I’VE EVER SEEN.
THAT’S THE MOST EVIL PERSON -- I
MEAN, LOOK HOW QUICKLY WE REFER
TO PEOPLE AS NAZIS NOWADAYS EVER
USED TO BE A FIREWALL THERE
BECAUSE PEOPLE HAD ALONG OF
MEMORY AND IT WAS IN RECENT
ENOUGH HISTORY THAT THEY
UNDERSTOOD EVIL OF THAT WAS.
AND SO NOW WE ARE KIND OF OFF
THE PLANTATION, BUT YES, EVIL
DOES EXIST, BUT MORE OFTEN THAN
NOT YOU WON’T SEE IT COMING.
>> Greg: GOOD POINT.
I’M SORRY YOU WEREN’T ABLE TO
WASH THE BLOOD STAINS OUT OF
YOUR SHIRT.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, DO YOU THINK WE WEAKEN
THE WORD BY USING IT SO MUCH?
ESPECIALLY IN CONVERSATION.
>> OF COURSE WE DO.
I MEAN, LOOK, TO MIKE’S POINT
ABOUT EVIL BEING THE NAZI FOR
LESS AND HITLER, IT’S A SHORTCUT
TO SHUT PEOPLE DOWN TO TO GO
AD HOMINEM AND NOT HAVE CIVIL
DISCOURSE, SO YOU KNOW, STICKS
AND STONES.
IT’S PLAYGROUND STUFF.
WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SPEAK ABOUT
THE ISSUES AND TALK ABOUT OUR
DIFFERENCES AND COME TO SOME
KIND OF AGREEMENT THAT CATS
SHOULDN’T BE IN YOUR HOUSE OR MY
HOUSE AND ONLY MIKE’S HOUSE.
>> COULD YOU QUICKLY EXPLAIN TO
THE AUDIENCE WHAT AD HOMINEM
MEANS?
>> YOU TAKE THE ARGUMENT, NOT
THE PERSON.
>> I UNDERSTOOD IT.
>> Greg: WAIT A SECOND, ARE
YOU INSULTING MY HONOR?
>> NOT AT ALL!
THAT WAS EVIL.
>> Greg: THAT’S EVIL!
WOW.
THAT’S THE FIRST TIME YOU’VE
EVER INSULTED THE AUDIENCE.
>> LOOK AT THEM.
[BOOS]
IS SOMETHING AN EVIL PERSON
WOULD SAY!
>> I JUST WANT TO SAY I THINK
YOU’RE ALL VERY SMART AND
ATTRACTIVE.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: YOU KNOW WHAT I
REALIZED?
YOU KNOW WHAT THE SHOW NEEDS?
WE NEED A CORNER -- WHAT YOU
CALL, TIMEOUT SPACE?
>> YOU WOULD NEVER GET THROUGH
THE MONOLOGUE.
>> Greg: BUT A GUEST HAS TO GO
AND SIT OVER THERE FOR ONE
SEGMENT.
YOU NEED A PENALTY BOX.
YOU GIVE ME AN IDEA IN SPITE OF
YOURSELF.
KAT, ARE YOU EVIL?
>> NO.
>> Greg: WHAT IS EVIL?
>> YEAH, I MEAN I GUESS EVIL IS
A BAD, EVIL PERSON, RIGHT?
LIKE HITLER IS EVIL.
WHEN YOU THROW THE WORD AROUND
THOUGH, IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE
NICE TO PEOPLE, YOU’RE GOING TO
GET MORE OUT OF THEM, WHICH IS
WHY THE AUDIENCE IS GOING TO LET
ME MARK BECAUSE I SAID THEY WERE
GOOD LOOKING AND YOU CALLED THEM
DUMB, WHICH IS WHY IF ANYONE
EVER ABDUCTED ME, MOST PEOPLE
SCREAM, BUT WHAT I WOULD DO IS
BE LIKE YOU PICKED ME?
WHAT DID YOU LIKE ABOUT ME THAT
YOU DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT ALL THE
OTHER GIRLS?
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN MAYBE WE JUST HANG OUT.
>> Greg: YOU BECOME VERY
CLINGY.
>> YEAH!
IT THROW ME OUT OF THE VAN!
>> Greg: YOU’RE SUFFOCATING
THE!
>> LIKE DO YOU LOVE ME?
>> Greg: THE THING IS, YOU
KNOW, TYRUS, IT IS SO FUNNY
BECAUSE WE WATCH SO MUCH VIDEO
IN OUR LIVES OF LIKE IRAN
SHOUTING "DEATH TO AMERICA,"
LIKE OH, MY GOD, THEY HATE US.
WE KIND OF BEEN DOING THAT
OURSELVES.
>> WE ARE ALL EVIL IN SOMEBODY’S
STORY.
WE ARE ALL THE BAD GUYS.
IT’S A MENTAL CONSTRUCT.
BUT TO SAY THE WORD EVIL DOESN’T
MEAN ANYTHING ANYMORE BECAUSE
NOW IT’S MORE ABOUT AN ARROGANT
IGNORANCE THAT’S MORE OF A
PROBLEM THAN EVIL.
I AM SO IMPORTANT.
I AM SO RIGHT WITH NO WISDOM OR
BACKING OUT ALL THAT ANYONE WHO
SAYS ANYTHING AGAINST ME OR
CHALLENGES ME IS EVIL.
SO THEREFORE I DON’T HAVE TO
IMPROVE MYSELF, I DON’T HAVE TO
LISTEN TO THAT, I DON’T HAVE TO
TAKE ADVICE, BECAUSE I KNOW.
SO THE WORD EVIL DOESN’T EVEN
USED TO SAY IT AND EVERYONE
WOULD STOP.
IF WE WERE IN A RESTAURANT
SOMEWHERE IN THERE WAS AN
ARGUMENT THAT BROKE OUT FOR SOME
REASON I WOULD CALL MY WIFE EVIL
FOR NOT LETTING ME HAVE DESSERT,
THEY’D BE LIKE OH, MY GOD, SHE
MUST BE HORRIBLE.
NOW IT’S LIKE IT’S A COMMA, IT’S
LIKE RACIST, NAZI.
IT USUALLY YOU CALL SOMEONE A
NAZI AND THEY HAVE TO EARN IT
BECAUSE THAT BAR WAS SET PRETTY
HIGH.
IT’S MELLOWED OUT BECAUSE WE’VE
BECOME SUCH A FIRST PROBLEM
WHILE.
>> ACTUALLY NAZIS WILL PROBABLY
BE LIKE WHAT THE [BLEEP].
>> IT WAS A PRETTY ROTTEN THING
TO DO.
BY THE WAY, AUDIENCE, I’M TAKING
YOU ALL OUT FOR DRINKS AFTER
THIS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: I AM HOLDING YOU TO
THAT!
DON’T LET HIM GO!
IS GOING TO TAKE OFF HIS
MICROPHONE AND TRY TO RUN OUT!
YOU BLOCK THE DOOR!
THERE’S A GREAT PLACE --
>> YOU’RE GOING TO KILL HIM.
>> Greg: PLACE ACROSS THE
STREET CALLED LONGACRE, YOU
SHOULD BE OVER THERE BY LIKE
8:00, WITH YOUR WALLET OPEN.
NOT YOUR PANTS.
>> IF HE DOESN’T SHOW UP, HE’S
JUST BEING EVIL!