Well, that’s it.
That’s the game, that’s whole game.
So.
Thanks for watching.
Now, when this game was released earlier this month…the events played out exactly like
you would expect.
Gamers threw a fit, ‘cause that’s the whole game…and the developer was all like,
“Whoa, all these haters, what’s with up that?”
If you had to draw a flow chart of what being a gamer means in 2015, it would just be the
release of Don’t Crash.
Game releases, gamers bitch, developer is shocked, to see gamers bitch.
That’s why I feel like I need to step in here.
Gamers, calm down, and stop acting like casual games and mobile games are something to sneer
at.
It’s not weird to enjoy these games.
More people played Angry Birds than whatever weird, sexually frustrated, anime RPG you’re
playing right now, and guess what…
No one cares.
And developers.
Listen, I’m on your side with these short, to-the-point, mobile-friendly, somewhat arcade-inspired
kind of games…but if you’re gonna release them to consoles, to the self-righteous, self-entitled
gamers of 2015…you have to expect the 1-out-of-10 review scores, and the nasty tweets, this
is how it works.
Be glad you’re not getting death threats.
So look, I guess what I’m saying is…
I wish it was 1987 again.
And, also…that the truth of the situation, is somewhere in the middle.
Yes, Don’t Crash has issues, but no, it’s not inherently a joke because it only lasts
5 seconds.
Like you guys last any longer.
Anyway, it’s called Don’t Crash.
It was released to the Wii U’s eShop earlier this month, and it’s from the makers of
Spikey Walls…which was basically a Flappy Bird clone, that from what I can gather, got
all kinds of heat on the Miiverse.
I don’t know, I can’t speak to Spikey Walls, I have never played it.
But I have played Don’t Crash.
In fact, you’ve watched me play it, about a thousand times already.
And I’ll say this about it…
There’s definitely something about it.
I understand that, to see it, it looks dumb.
Like I said, most of the time, it only lasts a couple seconds.
But when you play it…I’ll be damned if you don’t keep trying again.
I mean, you really feel like you can improve your score.
Even if I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to get any higher than 12, there’s no way
it can be done.
But I still kept trying.
And that’s the genius with something like this.
It’s so simple, that it seems doable, it seems reachable.
Even if it’s a much further reach than you think.
So in case you haven’t figured it out by now, you control one car, the computer controls
the other, and all you have to do, is don’t crash.
Push A to switch lanes, that’s the only button you push.
Except for the retry button, which…you will also push a lot.
And that’s because you’re going to die a lot.
This game is ridiculously hard.
Like, once you get to 7 or 8…
The cars start to go so fast, you almost have to anticipate the movements of the other car,
it’s ridiculous.
And what I like about it, is that to me, a game like this has more in common with like,
classic arcade games, than any of those HD movie wannabes on the PS4 or Xbox One.
It’s all about one simple gameplay challenge.
Problem is, it might be too simple, of a gameplay challenge.
See, the thing is…the game needs a little extra something.
I don’t know if it’s power-ups, or things happening off the road, that might affect
the road…I don’t know, but as is, it does come across as a little too simple.
Especially considering how hard it is.
I mean, failing to reach 12 over and over and over…that’s only fun for so long.
Eventually, it gets frustrating.
So maybe the difficulty could’ve ramped up more slowly.
And I do think more content is never a bad idea for a console game.
Maybe more backgrounds, or different cars to choose from…even Mii support, you know?
Something that simple puts this game at a different level, I think.
I mean, I think it’s interesting as is…
But it’s not far from being really cool.
And cool is cooler than interesting.
Just ask the Miiverse.
To be honest, I have no idea how I’ve talked this long about a five-second game, just goes
to show how incredibly good I am at what I do.
See, Don’t Crash, that’s how you get mean tweets.
Anyway, I didn’t hate this game at all, I was actually kind of hooked.
For like, 30 minutes.
After that, the bloom was off the rose, and I did start to want something more.
Not much, mind you, but…just a little something.
I guess the real issue with Don’t Crash isn’t how short it is, but how short it
is from reaching something better.
As it stands, is it worth a buck fifty?
I don’t know, that depends on you.
It’s either a fun little game, or an embarrassment to the industry.
Pick a side.
And complain on the Internet.
It’s Don’t Crash, for the Nintendo Wii U.