Well, it happened, Paula.
All my bad habits finally caught up
with me.
Oh, all the bad habits that people
told me, don't do that,
they'll catch up.
They didn't just catch up with me,
my bad habits, they dragged me
into an alley and beat the snot
out of me.
I'm telling you, in the last three years,
I've had both hips replaced,
both of them.
I had my spine surgically rebuilt.
I had a pacemaker put in
with a defibrillator.
So if at some point during the show
I go flying across the stage,
(audience laughing)
don't worry.
(audience laughing)
And I had quadruple bypass surgery.
I know!
With a pig valve put in.
(audience laughing)
I have a pig valve.
You know what that means?
I can't be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.
(audience laughing)
I'm not even Jewish.
(audience laughing)
My doctor says-- my doctor says,
now, with all these surgeries I've had,
I could live to be 100.
I'm telling you,
I've had so many parts moved around,
I'm starting to feel like Mrs.
Potato Head.
(audience laughing)
And he said, "you could live to be 100."
I go, you do, and I'll sue you
for malpractice.
(audience laughing)
Who wants to live to be 100?
Have you ever seen
100-year-old people?
They're creepy.
(audience laughing)
They are.
You always see them on
the Today Show.
They wheel them out, they don't even
know where they are.
(audience laughing)
They wheel them out
and the guy's like, uuuh,
(audience laughing)
"is this Iwo Jima?"
(audience laughing)
Right, then they put the little--
they put the little cone hat
on the guy's head.
They pull the strap down,
and they let go, his whole face
goes flying up in the air.
(audience laughing)
They wheel him and realize a cake
with 100 candles--
like, get that candle away from him.
He's on oxygen, for crying out loud.
(audience laughing)
Blow the place up.
(audience laughing)
100 years old, for crying out loud.
(audience laughing)
I figure, I'll go to like 80, 83,
maybe, tops.
And I'll do-- you know,
I'll do one last big Costco
shopping.
And when all the toilet paper is
gone, I'm out of here.
(audience laughing)
I quit smoking.
You know, I did, I smoked
for 55 years.
I smoked for--
I did.
I know.
And then I couldn't breathe.
Wouldn't you know?
I said, maybe there's a connection.
(audience laughing)
I was in New York City,
I was walking up--
I walked like a block and a half,
I'm gasping for air.
I started to see dead relatives
at the end of the block going--
(audience laughing)
I'm like, Grandpa!
(audience laughing)
I had to think
about final arrangements.
What are you getting--
- Paula.
- Paula, thank you.
(audience laughing)
What are you getting done
with yourself?
- Grave.
- Grave, yeah.
I'm getting cremated, yeah.
You too?
Yeah, big fan of cremation, yeah.
I do.
But I want to lose some weight
first.
(audience laughing)
Well, because I don't want my family
to have to go shopping
for a plus-sized urn.
(audience laughing)
You see my sister coming out
of the Urn Barn, going, "that fat tub
"of lard, man."
(audience laughing)
I want a burial at sea,
all of a sudden they're going to be,
"we're going to need a bigger boat."
That's all-- they go to scatter
my ashes in the ocean, now the EPA
is involved.
"You know, you made a sandbar here
"with your sister."
(audience laughing)
So here's the thing.
You know what?
I look around--
and you all-- there's
a lot of young people here.
And I hate young people so much,
I do.
(audience laughing)
I do.
It's nothing personal.
I just-- if I could,
I would suck the youth right out
of you.
I would come down there, like you--
look at you.
I'd just, I would just--
I'd go, come here.
Like,
(sucking noise)
(audience laughing)
Because it's hard to keep up.
As a comedian,
we have to keep current about what's
going on in the world.
Like I just found out that
Ariana Grande is not a coffee drink
at Starbucks.
(audience laughing)
She's a person.
I didn't know that.
(audience laughing)