♪♪
-We're going to get to the news.
While touring the demilitarized zone on Thursday,
Vice President Kamala Harris mistakenly said
the U.S. has, quote, "an alliance
with the Republic of North Korea."
It's a huge blunder that many are calling presidential.
[ Laughter ]
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas's wife Ginni
testified on Thursday before the house committee investigating
the Capitol attack in a four-hour closed-door session,
and no matter how much the committee begged her,
she would not open the door.
[ Laughter ]
The National Archives said last week they still did not have
custody of all missing records
from former President Trump's administration.
And this is absolutely the first time Donald Trump
has ever fought someone for custody.
[ Laughter ]
[As Trump] It's all yours.
[ Laughter ]
[Normally] According to newly-released documents,
the FBI spent years surveilling the late singer
Aretha Franklin, which isn't surprising if you've seen
and of her performances from the '60s.
[ Laughter ]
So I guess that's an FBI agent.
[ Laughter ]
Ordering from a giant menu.
[ Laughter ]
The FBI used to dress like "Inspector Gadget."
[ Laughter ]
When he was preparing to leave Walter Reed Medical Center
in 2020 after being treated for the coronavirus,
then-President Trump reportedly told aides he wanted to exit
the hospital in a wheelchair and then stand up to reveal
a Superman shirt, you know, just like Superman would never do.
[ Laughter ]
A little league baseball card of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg
sold an auction last week,
and even then, they knew he wasn't going to be an athlete.
[ Laughter ]
The New York sandwich shop Katz's Delicatessen in Alidoro
announced the release of a New York subway-themed sandwich.
The way it works is you eat the sandwich while a stranger
masturbates next to you.
[ Laughter ]
Yes.
That's right. Katz's will release
the so-called 1904 Signature Sub this month
in honor of the subway system's 118th birthday.
And if you're wondering what the subway was like
118 years ago,
ride it.
[ Laughter ]
Disney World fully reopened to its normal hours
over the weekend after Hurricane Ian,
and it's pretty much the same,
except now, the whole place smells like wet Goofy.
[ Audience groans, laughs ]
Oh, you're all on board for the subway masturbator.
We draw the line at wet Goofy.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Chipotle is set next month to begin testing
its new kitchen robot named Chippy.
And to give you the authentic Chipotle experience,
the robot will be high as hell.
[ Laughter ]
[Robot voice] "What did you say again?"
[ Laughter ]
Ha ha ha ha.
[ Laughter ]
While in Puerto Rico yesterday touring hurricane damage,
President Biden said that his home state of Delaware
has a large Puerto Rican population
and added that he was "sort of raised
in the Puerto Rican community at home politically."
Whoa, just take it easy, dude.
You sound like someone's grandpa
the first time they meet a gay person.
"Hey, nice to meet ya.
You know, we had a gay fellow in Vietnam with us.
At least, you know, we all thought he was gay
on account of -- yeah, doesn't matter, you know.
Nice to meet ya. Do you fella shake hands or...?"
"Grandpa, stop talking!"
[ Laughter ]
It was reported that Pennsylvania Senate candidate
Dr. Mehmet Oz's research team at Columbia University
killed hundreds of animals over several decades,
including 329 dogs.
Even crazier, it was reported in his campaign ad.
[ Laughter ]
Producers of the Netflix series "The Crown"
have announced a casting call
for an actor between the ages of 16 and 20
to play young Prince Harry,
and an actor between the ages of 55 and 60 to play young William.
[ Laughter ]
A former girlfriend of Republican Senate --
Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker
claimed in a new interview
that Walker paid for her
to get an abortion in 2009.
And the only way that will hurt him with Republicans
is if some of that money went to pay down her student loans.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
I don't know. I'm going to stand by that one.
[ Laughter ]
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis
visited a Waffle House restaurant over the weekend
and served food to linemen working to restore power
in the aftermath of Hurricane Ian.
"Thanks for everything you do,"
said DeSantis to his photographer.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump filed a defamation lawsuit yesterday
against CNN and claimed that the network has made
a "persistent association between Trump and Adolf Hitler."
Yeah. Come on, CNN.
Can't a guy hold a series of racist rallies
in a country suffering skyrocketing inflation
without being compared to Hitler?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Peloton. Peloton news.
Peloton announced a new partnership with Hilton
yesterday to put exercise bikes
in more than 5,400 hotels across the country.
Not to be outdone, Days Inn announced towels.
[ Laughter ]
In a recent interview,
country singer Shania Twain said that
she wants to collaborate with Harry Styles in the future.
"Hey, so do we," said the rest of One Direction.
[ Laughter ]
It was announced that
the world's largest indoor go-kart track
will open in New Jersey later this year,
will include four passing lanes.
But since it's in Jersey,
there will always be a kid in the left lane
going 15 miles per hour.
[ Laughter ]
We have one writer who lives in Secaucus.
[ Laughter ]
We're gonna do what we always do -- take his word for it.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, rapper Snoop Dogg announced yesterday
he will release a cannabis-infused
onion ring snack called Snazzle Os.
So, if you like marijuana and you like onion rings,
you don't say.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden toured hurricane damage today in Florida
and met with Governor Ron DeSantis.
And Desantis has been working around the clock
to recover from wearing this outfit.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden tweeted a picture of himself this week
in a green sports car.
Oh my God, look at him.
[ Laughter ]
He loves his wife, yet has the energy of a man
who was divorced an hour ago.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Biden ] "Got me a hot young girlfriend, too. She's 65."
[ Light Laughter ]
Russian President Vladimir Putin is reportedly planning
to order a nuclear test near the border of Ukraine
to demonstrate his willingness to use nuclear weapons.
Oh, you don't have to prove you're crazy.
You ride horses half naked and your best friend
is Donald Trump. We see you.
[ Light laughter ]
According to a new report,
staffers who worked in former President Trump's White House
were not surprised that in the raid of his Mar-A-Lago residence
the FBI found highly-classified materials
mixed in with news clippings
because trump never followed the strict rules
for handling sensitive documents.
Also, you're not gonna believe this,
he never separated his trash from his recycling.
[ Laughter ]
And in a new animated "Scooby-Doo" Halloween special,
the character Velma Dinkley will be depicted as LGBTQ.
Now, you might be thinking, "What about Fred?"
But hear me out. [ Laughter ]
Hear me out.
Fred is an overconfident white guy
who thinks he's a detective just because he owns a van.
He's definitely straight.
[ Laughter ]
He probably has an alt-right podcast
where he complains about Velma being gay.
[ Light laughter ]
New York Yankees star Aaron Judge last night
hit his 62nd home run of the season
breaking -- [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, give it up for Aaron Judge breaking Roger Maris'
American League record,
And to add insult to injury,
the ball hit a Mets fan and killed him.
[ Laughter ]
And you know what the Mets' fans last words were?
"At least I don't gotta watch us blow it in the playoffs."
[ Laughter ]
Al Pacino is reportedly closing a deal with a publisher
to write a book.
It will be the first autobiography
written in all caps.
[ Laughter ]
Very, very unfair photo.
[ Light laughter ]
But that is his writing face.
[ Light laughter ]
According to new reports, prices for real Christmas trees
are expected to increase this year,
so expect some changes to Rockefeller Plaza this December.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to a new survey,
60% of Americans said they have never cheated on a partner
in a relationship, and if you have to ask,
"Does it count if --" the answer is yes.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden today traveled to New York.
Said New Yorkers, "Oh, my God! Move!"
[ Laughter ]
In a new interview, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said
that the media's coverage of Hurricane Ian was motivated
by a political agenda, adding, "I mean, as soon as it was over
there was a rainbow outside my window."
[ Laughter ]
[Mockingly] "That's not political? Okay."
Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker's campaign
has announced that since he was accused earlier this week
of paying for his ex-girlfriend's abortion,
it has raised more than $500,000.
In fact, it's going so well,
Walker's thinking about asking all his exes to come forward.
[ Laughter ]
FEMA announced yesterday that phone operators from the IRS
have been brought in to help the agency
handle the volume of calls after Hurricane Ian.
So now getting help will be just as easy as doing your taxes.
[ Laughter ]
Tomorrow is Russian President Vladimir Putin's 70th birthday,
where he will blow out the candles
and then push the cake off a balcony.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump said in a speech yesterday
that he is being targeted by the FBI because,
"They want to silence me."
Hey, it's not their fault the only way to truly silence Trump
is to sit him down for a deposition.
[ Laughter ]
A new list from "Fortune" magazine
has ranked CVS Health President and CEO Karen Lynch
as the most powerful woman in business --
because she's the only one with the key to the razors.
[ Laughter ]
That's -- That's power.
A 17-foot-tall statue was recently unveiled in Canada
of a giant hand holding a Cheeto
with orange dust on the fingertips.
So the other statue obviously looked like this.
[ Laughter ]
Two right hands.
[ Laughter ]
It's a statue with two right hands.
[ Laughter ]
The world's oldest living dog, Pebbles, died recently
at 22 years old and 50 days.
"You son of a bitch!"
[ Laughter ]
It's a bummer I went into that joke
laughing about the weed fingertip statue.
I'm like -- "Ha ha ha ha! The world's oldest dog died."
Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney spoke last night
at an event at Arizona State University,
and because it was ASU, she made sure to speak slowly.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, we have an issue here, I want to admit.
Our head writer, Alex Baze, went to University of Arizona,
and so he oftentimes will write jokes
that are very unkind to Arizona State University.
So I'd like to apologize to anyone who went to that school,
who's currently going to that school, and let's move on.
Um... [ Laughter ]
Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney spoke last night
at an event at Arizona State University,
though I'm not sure why they needed a congresswoman
to read off the beer-pong rules!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, University of Arizona is not Harvard, dude.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, so, we asked another writer to cover this story,
because obviously Baze cannot get above himself here
to do this. And finally Mike Scollins --
Our good friend Mike Scollins chipped in here.
And finally Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney
spoke last night at an event at Arizona State University.
Well, at least everyone there
is used to not getting their first choice.
You guys!
[ Laughter ]
Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That was a monologue, everybody!
♪♪