- I was to have revenge for every woman that ever had her
hands laid on by a man, for my mother,
my sister, Tina Turner...
[laughter]
Rihanna.
[engine revs]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[mouthing words]
[gunshot]
[heart beating]
[roars]
[gunshots]
[growls]
[roars]
[growls]
[roars]
[cheers and applause]
- I'm really excited to bring this guy up.
I've been watching him seven, eight, ten years, every night--
every Tuesday at The Comedy Store.
And you guys are gonna love him.
Please give it up for my friend and yours, Scruncho, everybody.
Let him hear it.
Scruncho.
[cheers and applause]
- My beautiful sister was in a domestic violence relationship.
As I got older, I realized by brother-in-law was beating
the fuck out of my beautiful sister.
So like a man, I pulled him aside,
I look him in the eye, and I tell him, you know, I say,
"Dre," I say, "Now, you know, you puttin' your hands on my
sister, and she continue to go back to you," right?
Now, ain't nothin' more disrespectful than when you're
telling a grown man what you feeling in your heart and soul,
and in the middle of your heartfelt conversation,
that other grown man gonna look at you and "pssh" you.
That's what I said. I said did this bitch nigga
just "pssh" me?
Now, sometimes, ladies, you've got to give a man exactly
what he been dishing out in order for him to have
understanding of the fuck what he been doing to you.
But here's the thing. Whenever a man
go to discipline another grown man,
the fight is no longer physical.
The fight is spiritual.
And my mother taught me when I was 12, she was like,
"If you defended the honor of your sisters,
"God would put a covenant over you.
"The angels would covenant you.
"Angels will protect you.
"The heavens will protect you.
"And God will not allow you to lose that battle, because it's
a spiritual, biblical battle, so you cannot and will not lose."
So at that point, ladies and gentlemen, I hung on my spirit,
'cause I knew there was gonna be a day in time when I must give
Dre this biblical, spiritual ass-whuppin' his body
so desperately desired.
Two weeks later, the shit hit the fan.
That same sister was having a taco party.
And just for the record,
real niggas eat more tacos than Mexicans.
And if y'all don't remember nothing about my whole show,
remember this: don't y'all trust no man
that eat less than three tacos.
[laughter]
The fuck you nibblin' for?
Now, I'm sitting in the middle of the living room
eating my six tacos, and I swear to God,
what I seen in the kitchen, it breaks my heart to this day.
I see my beautiful sister that raised me, walked me to school,
taught me my ABCs, my beautiful sister.
My brother-in-law got my beautiful sister in the corner
like she's some type of fuckin' roach
stompin' my sister in the chest as if she didn't come from the
womb of my beautiful mother,
socking my beautiful sister in the eye as if she
didn't have brothers to defend her honor.
Immediately, ladies and gentlemen,
I disconnected from my physical world.
I went into a spiritual world.
And it was just like my mother said.
The heavens opened up.
I seen my mother's face appear with a halo over her head.
And I heard that biblical music go...
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh
And then the angels came around.
And at that point, ladies and gentlemen,
I feel the spirit of God come through me,
and I did not run over there to protect my beautiful sister.
I did not walk aggressively over there to protect
my beautiful sister. Ladies and gentlemen,
I floated over there.
I floated, and I rosed up on that motherfuckin' Dre,
and guess what, ladies and gentlemen.
I was the big man. He was the little man.
And let me tell every woman in here something.
I was to have revenge for every woman that ever had her
hands laid on by a man, for my mother,
my sister, Tina Turner...
[laughter]
Rihanna.
And as I rose up over him, the spirit of Floyd Mayweather
shot through my body.
My hands swoll up as if I was 50 and 0.
It was the size of a Floyd Mayweather boxing glove.
With all the strength God gave me,
right before I went to hit him with these undefeated hands,
Dre hit me so many times,
I thought I was getting jumped.
At this point, I realized something.
This motherfucker Dre was gifted from the shoulders.
Ladies and gentlemen, his hand speed was incredible.
At that point, I realized something.
I've got to go get my best friend.
And I don't know--let me tell you, there's some rules
when you go get your best friend in the hood.
Number one rule: ain't no rules.
I go get my best friend.
We get to the point of location, and I tell my best friend,
I say--I look him in the eye, and he a gangster motherfucker.
I said, "Dulo--I said, "Nigga, you ready to die?"
He had me fooled like a motherfucker.
He started Crip walking. He said, "I don't give a fuck."
[laughter]
So we get to my sister's house.
He got the 9-millimeter.
I got the motherfucking handgun.
And right before we knocked at the door,
I looked him in my one good eye,
and I no longer was on that spiritual shit.
Me and the devil was in cahoots.
I looked at him with a wicked--I said, "Motherfucker,
is you ready to die?" He said, "I don't give a fuck."
So we knock at the door.
Now my sister come to the door.
She come to me and said, "What's happening?"
I said, "Whoopty-whoopty-whoo."
She said, "Whoopty-whoopty-whoo."
I said, "Whoopty-whoopty-whoo."
"Whoopty-whoopty-whoo" means "et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."
[laughter]
Now, at that point, she come and open the door.
Now, the person y'all see now did not exist.
I'm telling y'all, I had a spirit on me that was so
motherfucking wicked, when I walked in there, I swear to God,
let me tell you how sick I was.
I was gonna shoot pictures, wedding pictures, images,
ideals, I didn't give a fuck.
Look, I got a little nephew named little Dre
who looked just like big Dre.
Little Dre is bad a motherfucker.
I would have shot him twice.
I take four, five steps in the house,
my sister jump her fat ass on my back,
wrap her thigh around my waist,
and tried to weigh a real nigga down.
Now, due to the obesity of her weight,
a real nigga was going down.
But my trigger hand was free. Who do I see?
I see motherfucking Dre, Dre see me, and he grabbed my arm.
Now, my sister, we begin to struggle for the gun.
Now, this bitch nigga Dre do something
I think was kind of clever.
He come from the blind side of my bad eye.
I thought he had some type of magical skills.
He jumped on me like, "Ya!"
Trying to scared me, and he did.
I was like, "Oh, shit."
Now, at that point, the gun dislodges from my hand.
Dre picks up the handle of the gun,
begins to whup my ass for the second time.
Now, as Dre is whipping my ass at a a rhythm pace,
I couldn't help but to think,
"Where is my best friend?"
[laughter]
Now, as I looked in the position that I was in in my
fetal position, I looked toward the window that I entered.
To the left of the door was a window.
On the outside of the window,
there was my best friend looking in at me
as I'm get my ass really whupped.
And I said, "I thought you said you was ready to die."
He looked at me, he said, "Not like that."
[laughter]
And at this point, Dre's punches was phenomenal.
I was two punches from death.
I had no choice.
I had to give my best friend encouragement.
So I yelled back. I said, "But, Dulo,
you got a gun, best friend."
And he yelled back,
"But you had one too."
And at this point, blood is coming out my pores.
He had a wicked left hook.
He hit me in this ear and knocked my hearing
completely out.
I seen Dulo running, and to make a long story short,
the police came, and guess who went to jail.
Me.
But I got good news, and I got bad news.
The good news is, my sister was fuckin' in court
to fuckin' bail me out of jail.
How about that?
The bad news is, she brought Dre with her.
[laughter]
And to make bad news worse,
the judge put a restraining order on me to stay away from
Dre and Dre to stay away from me,
which was a blessing to me.
And my sister hit me with the information
that I would never, ever forget.
And these words make me--I would never, ever
defend my sister again.
I looked at her with all the compassion in my eyes,
and I said, "What the fuck is wrong with you?
Don't you know blood is thicker than water?"
And what she replied fucked me up.
And she said, "Don't you know come is thicker than blood?"
[laughter]
[dark electronic music]
♪