[INTRO MUSIC]
If you’ve been following me this year, you know that I have a boyfriend.
If you haven’t been following me this year and this is one of the first videos you’re
watching of me, I’m dating while Deaf.
I’m in a deaf-hearing relationship.
You’re probably thinking, “What does you being deaf have to do with having a boyfriend
and what does your boyfriend being hearing have to do with you being deaf?”
I get it, I get it.
A common concern that I read from other d/Deaf and hard of hearing people, and one I’ve
always had myself, is how is this going to affect my dating life?
With deaf-deaf relationships, it’s easy.
We have the same struggles so we understand each other.
If we don’t understand what the other person is saying or signing, we don’t feel as nervous
as to what the outcome will be because we get it.
We often get worried that if we’re constantly misunderstanding someone we’re interested
in, or if we’re constantly asking them to repeat themselves, they’re going to get
frustrated and stop showing interest.
Sometimes, they stop showing interest the moment the “d” or the “h” word - hard
of hearing - comes up.
That’s not always the case, but right now, that’s the case I’m talking about.
The truth is, there is always going to be a bit of a disconnect in deaf-hearing relationships.
It’s not bad and it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just the way it is.
I’m currently reading a book called “Finding Zoe” and Brandi, the author, talks about
her relationship with a hearing guy and how the relationship was great, but as Brandi
started getting more into Deaf culture, the boyfriend was not getting the same connection
as she was - obviously - and because of that, they grew apart and Brandi ended the relationship.
No matter how involved someone is in Deaf culture, whether they’ve taken deaf studies,
have a family family who is Deaf, etc., a hearing partner will never understand what
it’s like being deaf and what comes with it.
I’ve liked people in the past and every time, I always worry about how the other
person was going to take the fact that I’m Deaf.
I didn’t have a lot of friends here, and I still don’t, so I did a lot of online dating
or signing up to websites like OkCupid.
I’ve even used Tinder once upon a time.
And I never knew how to explain the fact that deafness was a part of me because I didn’t
want people to be turned off by it.
And I didn’t know what would happen if I had ever met up with someone on one of those sites.
This is a common feeling, a common worry.
I see posts with the same thoughts on Tumblr every once in a while.
So, it’s no secret that my boyfriend is hearing.
If you were to ask me if I had any worries about him possibly being hesitant with my
ears, the answer would actually be no.
Because he knew I existed before I knew he existed so he knew that part about me already.
Thank you, YouTube.
I remember skyping with each other for the first time after we knew each other for a couple of days
and I was very nervous.
I’m always very nervous when I try to Skype with people using a voice call.
During our first Skype call, I couldn’t understand him so I had him type our entire
call and I got nervous about it because I thought it would be an inconvenience to him.
Yes, I can talk about accommodating deaf and hard of hearing people until I’m blue in
the face, but sometimes, I get nervous about it.
It took some getting used to, but after a couple of Skype calls, I started getting used
to how he sounds and now I can understand him pretty well over Skype.
Most of the time.
So that’s online and then you meet in person -
and the fear comes back a little because people can sound different in person.
Like, to me, my voice sounds much deeper in video, but more high in person.
And my deaf accent comes out more in videos whereas the southern accent comes out more
in person.
I don’t know how that works, but anyway -
*So Devon, in person, has a higher pitched voice and online, he has a bit of a deeper voice.
To me, anyway.
So on the first day we met in person, I had not only meeting-in-person-for-the-first-time
worries, but also how-the-fuck-is-communication-going-to-work-out worries.
Five months later, we’re still doing pretty awesome.
So while it is true that a lot of deaf-hearing relationships don’t work out due to a disconnect,
culture difference, communication barriers, etc., there are deaf-relationships that do
work out.
We’re proof.
Some hearing partners will start to learn about Deaf culture and some will not.
I have read about a couple of deaf-hearing relationships and the communication was all
oral.
That, sometimes, is what some deaf people prefer.
As I said before, not all of us communicate in the same way. Some of us sign. Not everyone signs.
But someone who does use sign language as their way of communicating can be worried
or sad if their partner has or continues to have no interest in being involved with Deaf
culture or in learning your way of communicating.
If it was me, I would say good-bye, but for some, they will continue to stick it out.
Hearing partners, if you are in a deaf-hearing relationship and your partner's main way of communicating
is sign language, I highly encourage you to try to learn it.
Even if it’s just the basics. Even the smallest amount will make your partner very, very happy.
Moving on to less immediate family.
My biggest deaf-hearing relationship fear is being around my boyfriend’s immediate family because
of communication barriers.
I don’t and will never do well with large groups of people. There’s too much going
on, it’s all oral, and I can’t keep up.
To clarify, I don’t dislike them. I just get petrified during these events.
I’ve also never been very involved with my family, so I just get nervous being
around people and their family members.
I don’t know how to function around families.
Especially very close ones.
Explaining to your hearing family that you have a deaf partner can be very nerve
racking because you don’t know what to expect if they’ve never been around a deaf person
for longer than thirty seconds before.
In the Taiwanese movie, “Hear Me”, Tian Kuo tells his hearing parents that Yang Yang
is deaf and they kind of freak out a little bit because they have no idea how they’re
gonna communicate.
When they all meet, the parents already have a message written to her on a gigantic notebook
and it’s a beautiful moment.
That doesn’t always happen in real life. Sometimes, but not always.
You never know what to expect and you don’t want to look like the asshole at the dinner
table on Easter because you have no idea what’s going on and what’s being said.
So you follow your boyfriend around like a helpless puppy.
Everything worked out pretty well and it was pretty fun that day, but still.
It’s a very common worry for a lot of us.
So, again, while there are deaf-hearing relationships that don’t work out due to a disconnect
and cultural differences, communication barriers, etc., there are deaf-hearing relationships
that do work out.
As someone who has experienced deaf-hearing friendships and has been deaf for quite some time
now, I understand when another deaf person gets hesitant and would feel more comfortable
being in a deaf-deaf relationship.
Before getting into this kind of relationship, I definitely suggest talking about it and
making sure everyone’s on the same page as far as how to communicate, what you’re
getting involved with as far as culture goes.
It’s like with interracial relationships, I think. You need to understand that your
partner has been living with a lot of challenges in life and it has made them a part of who
they are.
When stuff happens, like, issues with equal rights and stuff, you need to
sit and listen. Don’t talk over and think you know more
when you haven’t lived that life. Just show patience and learn. Be open to learning and
getting involved.
I will see you later. Bye.