WELCOME.
THANK YOU, CITIZENS.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL,-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, JON?
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S THAT?
>> Stephen: THAT'S A FRIDAY AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S THE REAL DEAL.
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: YEAH.
HOW ARE YOU?
HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYBODY.
ON FRIDAY, I LIKE TO TAKE A STEP BACK AND GET SOME PERSPECTIVE.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE SOMETIMES WE GET SO CAUGHT UP WITH ALL THE
INVESTIGATIONS INTO DONALD TRUMP, WE FORGET TO NOTICE WHAT
A BAD JOB HE'S DOING, BECAUSE WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE TRUMP
PRESIDENCY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY-- IN A MIRROR,
LIKE THE MEDUSA-- HE HASN'T REALLY ACCOMPLISHED MUCH.
TAKE HIS SIGNATURE ISSUE: RACISM.
I'M SORRY, I MISPRONOUNCED THAT.
I'M SORRY, IMMIGRATION.
HE PROMISED TO REDUCE ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION, AND YET, IN THE
LAST SEVERAL MONTHS, UNAUTHORIZED BORDER CROSSINGS
HAVE SPIKED TO THE HIGHEST PACE IN 12 YEARS.
OF COURSE THEY'RE RUSHING IN NOW.
AMERICA IS IN IT'S FINAL SEASON, EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A GUEST
STAR.
TRUMP TRIED-- ( APPLAUSE )
ALL THE BEST.
ALL BEST.
TRUMP TRIED TO CLAIM THAT THE SURGE IN BORDER CROSSINGS IS
BOTH A VICTORY AND A DISASTER, TWEETING:
"'WALL STREET JOURNAL': 'MORE MIGRANT FAMILIES CROSSING INTO
THE U.S. ILLEGALLY HAVE BEEN ARRESTED IN THE FIRST FIVE
MONTHS OF THE FEDERAL FISCAL YEAR THAN IN ANY PRIOR FULL
YEAR.' WE ARE DOING A GREAT JOB AT THE
BORDER, BUT THIS IS A NATIONAL EMERGENCY!"
OKAY.
YOU'RE EITHER DOING A GREAT JOB KEEPING PEOPLE OUT, OR BORDER
CROSSING IS A NATIONAL EMERGENCY.
YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.
"MR. JOHNSON, SIT DOWN.
THE TEST CAME BACK, AND THEY'RE ALL POSITIVE.
YOUR TUMOR IS DOING GREAT!" ( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP IS ALSO-- TRUMP'S ALSO NOT DOING WELL ON HIS SECOND BIGGEST
ISSUE: CHINA.
LAST YEAR, HE STARTED A TRADE WAR WITH CHINA, DECLARING "I AM
A TARIFF MAN."
♪ COME MR. TARIFF MAN TARIFF ME BANANAS
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANNA PLAY GOLF ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EXPERTS SAID THE TARIFFS WOULD
EXPLODE THE TRADE DEFICIT, BUT TRUMP PROMISED THE TARIFFS WOULD
ACTUALLY BRING DOWN THE TRADE DEFICIT.
AND, SURPRISE!
THIS WEEK, THE COMMERCE DEPARTMENT SAID THAT THE
NATION'S TRADE DEFICIT IS AT A RECORD HIGH, IN PART DUE TO
PUNITIVE TARIFFS TRUMP IMPOSED.
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU ELECT A GUY WHOSE CENTRAL
PHILOSOPHY IS THAT BIG NUMBERS ARE GOOD.
(AS TRUMP): "LOOK AT THAT HUGE DEFICIT.
ALMOST AS IMPRESSIVE AS MY GIANT, BEAUTIFUL CHOLESTEROL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"MY HEART-- MY HEART PUMPS LIGHT, SWEET CRUDE."
AND IT'S NOT JUST TRADE.
ON TUESDAY, THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCED THE BUDGET
DEFICIT HIT $310 BILLION, A 77% INCREASE OVER THE PREVIOUS YEAR.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) I CAN'T WAIT FOR HIS NEXT STATE
OF THE UNION.
(AS TRUMP): "ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU.
ASK THIS SCRATCH-OFF IF IT CAN HELP.
TREASURE CHEST...
SQUID!
DAMN.
THANKS, OBAMA.
BUT TRUMP KNOWS -- ( APPLAUSE )
OBAMA FANS.
BUT TRUMP KNOWS NOTHING IS AS DISTRACTING AS A GOOD,
OLD-FASHIONED DISTRACTION.
THAT'S WHY HE RECENTLY PROPOSED A WHOLE NEW HOLIDAY.
>> ON THE FOURTH OF JULY, WE ARE HAVING, IN WASHINGTON, D.C., A
GREAT TRIBUTE TO AMERICA.
I HOPE YOU CAN ALL COME.
FOURTH OF JULY.
KEEP IT OPEN.
THE FOURTH OF JULY.
A SALUTE TO AMERICA.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YES, WE'RE ALL GOING
TO BE SALUTING AMERICA ON...
SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT DATE AGAIN?
>> FOURTH OF JULY.
KEEP IT OPEN.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
FOURTH OF JULY.
KEEP IT OPEN.
MAYBE TAKE THE DAY OFF, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, HAVE A BARBECUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOMETHING.
(AS TRUMP): "I'VE DECIDED WASHINGTON IS GOING TO HAVE A
PARTY ON THE FOURTH OF JULY.
THERE WILL BE BIG PARADES WITH FLOATS, USING A NEW INVENTION OF
MINE: WHEELS."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING, HERE'S THE
THING-- WASHINGTON, D.C., ALREADY HOSTS
AN ANNUAL CONCERT AND FIREWORKS ON THE MALL.
SO THE ONLY THING THAT'S DIFFERENT IS NOW WE HAVE TO
LISTEN TO YOU GIVE A SPEECH.
IT'S LIKE THAT COUSIN WHO STANDS UP BEFORE CHRISTMAS DINNER AND
GOES, "BEFORE WE EAT, I'VE WRITTEN A SHORT PRAYER.
'AND LO, THE LEVITE AMIZIAH.
SON OF HILKIAH, THE DESCENDANT OF ETHAN THE MERARITE...'
SOMEONE WAKE UP GRAMMA.
SHE NEEDS TO HEAR THIS."
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, GIVE ME A SECOND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YES, FANTASTIC!
>> Stephen: IF TRUMP WANTS TO ANNOUNCE A BRAND-NEW,
PRE-EXISTING HOLIDAY, TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME.
TONIGHT, I WOULD LIKE TO OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCE A SPECIA
EVENT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE RIGHT HERE IN TIMES SQUARE, THIS
DECEMBER 31-- KEEP IT OPEN-- WHICH I'M CALLING "A SALUTE TO
TIME!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES!
WE'RE GOING TO BE CELEBRATING!
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: WE'RE GOING TO BE CELEBRATING TIME.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: WE'RE GOING TO BE CELEBRATING TIME.
MAYBE NOT IN THE DAY, MAYBE IN THE EVE.
WE'LL BE DOING IT IN THE EVE.
I WILL BE GIVING A SPEECH.
THERE'LL BE A BALL-DROP.
WE'LL COUNT UP-- NO, DOWN!-- TO MIDNIGHT.
AND WE WILL TOAST WITH SOMETHING I'M CALLING "COLD BUBBLE WINE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WE'LL ALL SHOUT, "HAPPY
TIME-OBSERVANCE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )