Do you want to know how to avoid sibling rivalry with the new baby? There are many people worried
about that. Parents wondering how do I balance the needs of this child with now the needs
of this other child? I'm Nicholeen peck and I teach all over the world about relationships,
family unity, child development and communication especially through the lens of self-government.
In this particular video we're going to be talking about the new baby
and how to not have that sibling rivalry take over that home culture.
In this video, I'm going to share a personal story from my life and then share with
you 5 things that you can do in order to make sure that sibling rivalry doesn't take over your
home and you'll want to stay to the end because the last one is so simple, it might surprise you. It
seems like yesterday but now it was over 20 some odd years ago that I brought my second child home
and started life with two children instead of one and during that time, I was a little apprehensive
of how this might go. When you have one child, your whole heart goes to that child. In fact your love
expands in a way that you didn't know was even possible. I remember when I was anticipating my
second child thinking will I even love this child because I have so much love for the first child?
How could I possibly have even more love for another child that comes but then there's this
magical thing that happens. As soon as that child is born, you see them, you connect with them, you
hold them in your arms all of a sudden you feel your love expand. Well now you have two people that
you love more than anything else and they both need your attention and they are at different
stages of development because of their ages and their life experiences or lack of life experience
as the case may be with the baby. So, what do you do to help them? Well in my situation, my oldest son
whose name is Quinn, he was the apple of my eye and he knew that we did everything together. We
played together, we ran outside and we went on walks through the entire pregnancy that I had with
his sister and so he was used to having me all to himself. So then when the baby came, he got a little
mad about it and I didn't anticipate that he would get angry. I didn't think ahead of time so kudos to
you for thinking ahead of time and asking this question. He started coming up to me daily when I
had this new tiny baby. I was nursing the baby or changing the baby, taking care of it in some way
and he would come up to me and say mom, put the baby in her bed, that was his solution because
he thought whenever the baby goes in the bed then I get mom's attention and he didn't want
the baby taking his attention right at that time. He wanted a playmate, he wanted someone to learn
and to grow with and he knew that that was me for his life and this little person was getting
in the way. Now I have a friend who told me a horrific story of her oldest son going up to
her new baby and actually trying to take a pillow and smother and smash the baby because the baby
was making noise and crying and so he knew that mom was gonna come to the baby and not to him
and so he was trying to stop the baby from crying in that way. Children make some really terrible
choices sometimes when they are feeling like baby is getting in the way of their life. So, let's talk
about some of the key things that you can do in order to help that little one prepare to accept
the new baby and not have a feeling of competition or rivalry with that baby that just arrived. So, one
of the best things you can do is begin before the baby arrives. Now if you're watching this video,
baby's already arrived, you've already noticed some sibling rivalry happening, then it's still
not too late. But this one tip that we're going to talk about right now can be really powerful
if it is done with a little bit of time before baby arrives. So, this tip is to create a vision.
In my teaching self-government parenting program. I talk about creating a full vision for the family.
So, creating a picture of what we want the family relationships to be like so that we have something
to work toward. Well, we can also create those visions in just one relationship. So that little
child can develop a picture of what they want their relationship to be like with the new baby
that's coming. Now, don't make the classic mistake and just talk about how they'll play together
and all of that kind of stuff because you know what? They don't have foresight, especially if
they're toddlers or really little, they want to play right now and when the baby doesn't play,
they start trying to make the baby play and the baby can't do anything. So make sure that you say
when you're older and the baby is a little bit older, you'll be able to play with each other but
then let's go to the immediate. What do you want that relationship to be like? Maybe that child sees
themselves as someone who's going to help take care of that baby, who's gonna nurture that baby.
Maybe you even give that child a baby doll of their own that they can practice with and this
is okay too for a boy can have a baby doll or a stuffed animal or something that they can practice
taking care of so that they learn the steps of caring for another person. This is going to help
them have a feeling of charity and compassion and understanding on that new little one that comes. So,
create a picture of what type of relationships they want. Maybe even role play it out, practice
it, play pretend for a while and have them model your behavior with the baby when the baby comes.
The second tip I have for you is to pre-teach the child about what is expected and when they would
be corrected. So when this baby comes, then you're going to say now we always need to be soft with
the baby, this is how we touch the baby. You know we get to hold it only when mom's here like this, you
know and we say if we ever don't, then this is the way that mom will correct you. This is what kind
of a negative consequence you will earn. You've got to be clear about that so that they know
oh, there's negative consequences if i don't treat this baby properly because they've got to know the
baby could easily get hurt just because of how small it is. And so mom needs to be there to make
sure that baby doesn't ever get hurt even though you're going to give the child an opportunity to
hold the baby and play with the baby as you do a baby. This is going to be good and you know the
more interaction that that child has with the baby, the more the child will actually accept the baby
into the family and not have that sibling rivalry thing occur. So keep that in mind. Don't try to keep
them apart and just give them separate time with you. Make sure that they have time to get used to
that bond with that child and having interactions and connections with that new little baby,
that will actually make that baby seem like a joy to them instead of a threat. Before I share my next
three tips and that one that is surprisingly simple, do you know someone who's just about to
have a baby? It's coming up and maybe this could be an issue for them? Well share this video with them.
It could help. They need to start thinking now about what to do to stop that sibling rivalry
that could occur after their happiest moment. Tip number three is to teach the child the skills
they need for success. So in our family and in the teaching self-government parenting course,
we talk about four basic skills that take care of 99% of all behavioral problems. So, these children's
books teach the four basic skills to children. The four basic skills are following instructions,
accepting "no" answers and criticism, disagreeing appropriately and accepting consequences.
Two of these skills are going to be incredibly important for helping your little one prepare
to observe proper boundaries with their new sibling. So, following instructions is going
to help them remember what type of relationship they want and to follow through with that plan
and when you give them instructions to help you get a diaper or to hold a baby a certain
way, they can think in terms of that five step process of following instructions. Accepting "no"
answers is also going to be very useful because you are going to have to give them "no" answers
regularly in order to keep the baby safe, in order to keep the baby sleeping, all of those different
things that are required for having a baby. So, what you want to do is you want to teach them
the four-step process to accepting "no" answers so that they are ready to succeed when those
additional boundaries come into their life. The other neat thing about these four basic skills are
they are gonna not just help with sibling rivalry that could occur but they're gonna help with the
overall flow of life that you're gonna wanna have be much easier when baby comes. So use these
skills right now when you have new baby but also forever because they are just skills that everyone
needs for happiness in life. My next tip is a tip you've probably heard from other people before
and that is to set aside special time for that child that is adjusting to the baby. So, they're
used to having all of your attention, make sure that you give them a little bit of time. Maybe it's
earlier in the morning, maybe it's a little later in the evening when the baby has already gone to
bed, maybe it's during a nap time something like that but give them a little bit of your time and
let them know the time, that's another important thing so that they can look forward to it.
So, there's this time that you're going to set aside that is just for them. Maybe it's when the
other parent is home from work or something like that and so they can hold on to the baby and take
care of the baby while you do something special just with the other child. But let them know
when it's going to occur so that they can plan for it. They know something special is coming
even though it can't happen right then. So, this is going to be good. You still need to give them
some of that special one-on-one attention. Are you ready for my surprisingly simple tip? This one
actually is so simple, we just have to remember to do it and we can apply it to every relationship in
our lives forever actually but right now at this time, when we have a new baby coming into the home
and there's a little bit of competition or feeling like things aren't the same, we need to establish a
more secure connection and there is a super simple way to do that and that is by remembering to make
eye contact. When your little child talks to you, look them in the eyes. Really listen to what they
have to say, maybe even repeat back what they have to say but look at them. When you are going
to give them an instruction or tell them that they need to do something or not do something,
look in their eyes. Look in their eyes with love and connection and understanding, that actually
will change the entire tone of your relationship. In fact it will fill their bucket, they will feel
understood and connected to you and that might be all they need. Best of luck on your time with
your new baby and with your children who are now growing and learning how to accept new people into
your family unit. As a special gift for you for watching this video all the way to the end, I would
like to share with you my Calm Parenting toolkit for free. Below this video in the description
section, there is a link to the Calm Parenting toolkit. It probably just says something like
Calm toolkit in the link, something like that. Find that link and click it and you can have this mini
course that will give you skills that you need in order to maintain your calmness during this time
where things are a little bit unpredictable. Click on the link now, I'll see you there.