Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Please get to the point’
We’re back in the post-apocalypse for Desert warrior so everybody stick bits to your bike,
start a cage fighting club and shout every other line,
‘YES!’
everything sounds more post-apocalyptic if you shout.
‘You stupid fool!”
'I can't stand it anymore.'
#no bloody idea what he is yelling#
'Do you hear me?'
We start as, one group of rat hunters takes out another group of rat hunters,
who are in turn taken out,
‘Give yourself up. You won’t die’
This new group is led by Lou Ferrigno so I’ll assume they are the good guys,
‘Get them bastards!’
Though there’s little sign of it,
nice shoulders.
If you’ve seen any 80s post-apocalyptic movie before, the plot is not going to hold many surprises.
‘I’ve heard this story a thousand times’
Nuclear war has left everyone with radiation sickness,
even babies are born with it.
‘Even the children are dying’
In a world of shouting, this guy stands alone.
‘Are we a dead END!’
It’s Lou’s job to find ‘clean’ women for his boss, Baktal,
he’s not very good at it, but fate is about to make things easier,
because elsewhere in the desert, the drones in their karate pyjamas
have avoided the radiation by staying in their underground city.
‘I want to be free. Free like the wind!’
Talk about your first world problems.
And that attitude gets her boyfriend killed
and Racela herself captured by desert ninjas.
The news of a clean woman reaches Lou, the desert pimp,
and in the ensuing fight, everyone else is killed.
Bit of film technique here, there are four stages of an 80s hero getting shot,
'look out!'
Badly hurt,
Retribution.
Basically dead.
and suddenly better.
Meanwhile, Racela’s Dad wants to leave Drone city to search for her but…
‘It’s against the established rule of law’
Drones aren’t allowed into the desert, so…
‘You can go beyond our boundaries provided you never return’
Elsewhere in the city, a scientist has discovered a cure to radiation sickness,
‘My formula always works.'
with the help of his Tony Omnibot 2000.
But he’s breached another of the city laws and has to answer to someone who’s definitely on the radio, and not standing just off-camera.
'We are meeting some resistance from Dr Kao.'
‘Stay put. I’m coming over’
And it’s the doctor’s turn to face the council.
‘It was brough to our attention that you have violated the new energy conservation rules’
What sort of sci-fi fantasy stops the action for scenes of tedious bureaucracy.
'Will you defer your motion to allow for a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?'
Despite Lou’s injuries and the fact that Racela lives in the opposite direction,
the pair strike out into the desert, until…
'Get up, you got to get up.'
How are you going to make me your boss’s sex slave now?
Why the hell is she still going that way?
Racela is taken back to Baktal’s.
'You gonna be alright?'
Hang on! When did they pick up Lou?
This movie skips over some plot points.
But it keeps the important stuff.
‘Take off her clothes’
wouldn’t want to miss that,
We’ll assume radiation welts only occur above the waist.
Fortunately her costume is self-repairing.
Lou pays a visit.
‘What do you want? Go away! Is this why you brought me here!’
It never occurred to me before that kidnapping women for my boss to sleep with might not be cool.
How the hell did they get in?
‘He saved my life.’
Glossing over some of the details there.
'Come with us.'
'Go, do as I say.'
Lou buys time for the rescue party to escape.
Change gear!
But Racela won’t leave Lou to his fate,
the guards in this place are terrible,
or just non-existent.
I do not feel this romance was earned
and let’s not forget her previous boyfriend died – because of her – a few days ago.
Does everyone just wander into this place!
Whoa, how did I miss that?
Earlier Lou and Racela spent days wandering the desert,
her father and his friends spent ages looking for her despite having a vehicle, now.
They walk from Baktal’s to drone city in one night.
'Internal security, this is Rosella.'
And are immediately arrested because of the deal her father made.
‘I didn’t know’
That’s a fair point, which she completely undermines by leaning into her privilege.
‘You cannot do this to me! I’m the daughter of Cortez!’
my Daddy could buy and sell you.
Boy it’s hard to root for anyone in this film.
Now the doctor has good news.
The radiation sickness can be cured, so there’s no reason to hide underground,
kidnap women, or fight any more.
‘Attack!’
Could someone tell Baktal?
Or shoot the doctor for absolutely no reason.
Hope he wrote that formula down.
‘What seems to be the trouble here.’
Up to now, this guy has been a largely administrative figure,
now he’s suddenly promoted to action bad guy,
a role for which he is not qualified.
With an aim like that you should be a stormtrooper.
Outside a battle rages.
Once again, totally unnecessary if someone would speak to Baktal,
currently trying to blow up the girl that he came here for.
Where’s Lou?
Where’d everybody go?
Finally, with massive casualties on either side.
‘There is hope now Baktal, look’
‘Why don’t you give me a hug’
That was easy. So for those of you rooting for the pimp and the spoilt little princess to get together,
here’s that happy ending, as they walk into the sunset,
careful not to trip over the corpses of their friends littering the desert.
Thanks for watching. To see more post-apocalyptic movie reviews click here.
From the white-clad drones to Lou Ferrigno’s leather skirt, clothes of the future are always speculative,
what’s your favorite futuristic fashion? Let us know in the comments below.
'I hope you will never bother me agan, Goodbye.'