WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I COME TO YOU THIS EVENING, FOLLOWING THE HISTORIC POSSIBLY,
MAYBE, PROBABLY, DEFINITELY, NOT THE LAST JANUARY 6th
COMMITTEE HEARING. TODAY WAS THE COMMITTEE'S
10th PUBLIC SESSION. SO, WE'VE HAD EXACTLY AS MANY
HEARINGS AS WE'VE HAD "BATMAN" MOVIES, WHICH IS WHY ADAM
KINZINGER CAME DRESSED IN HIS NIPPLE SUIT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS GROWLY BATMAN )
KETCHUP AGAINST THE WALL? TELL ME!
I AM JUSTICE!"
HEARING, THE COMMITTEE FILLED OUT THE PUNCH CARD,
LET'S SEE HERE. THERE YOU GO-- OOH!
OOOH! THAT MEANS THE FORMER PRESIDENT
GETS A FREE SUB... POENA.
( LAUGHTER )
SHOCKING TWIST ENDING, THE JANUARY 6 PANEL VOTED TO
SUBPOENA THE FORMER PRESIDENT. AND TO MAKE SURE THE FORMER
PRESIDENT READS THE SUBPOENA, IT'S BEING PRINTED ON THE
WRAPPER OF A GORDITA SUPREME.
YES, YES. >> Louis: IT'S EFFICIENT.
IT'S EFFICIENT. >> Stephen: FIRST UP, CHAIRMAN
BENNIE THOMPSON LAID OUT THE PLANS FOR THE HEARING.
>> TODAY'S PROCEEDINGS WILL ALSO BE GROUNDED IN THE FACTS.
BUT IT WON'T LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ALL OUR OTHER HEARINGS.
>> Stephen: I WAS HOPING THAT MEANT THEY WERE GOING TO PRESENT
THE HEARING IN ♪ SONG!
>> TURNS OUT HE MEANT THIS. p>> WE WILL STEP BACK AND TAKE A
LOOK IN A BROADER CONTEXT. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCHED OUR
HEARINGS, SOME OF THIS EVIDENCE WILL LOOK FAMILIAR.
>> Stephen: IT WAS A CLIP SHOW, A LOOK BACK AT THE SEASON
ONE, WHEN JOSH HAWLEY SCAMPERED AWAY LIKE A FRIGHTENED SQUIRREL,
AND THE VERY SPECIAL EPISODE WHEN THE COMMITTEE GOT MARRIED
AND HAD A BABY. VICE CHAIR LIZ CHENEY EXPLAINED
WHAT THE GOALS OF THE HEARING WERE.
>> A KEY ELEMENT OF THIS COMMITTEE'S RESPONSIBILITY WERE
TO PROPOSE REFORMS TO PREVENT JANUARY 6 FROM EVER HAPPENING
AGAIN. >> Stephen: I AM ALL FOR
STOPPING FUTURE VIOLENCE BUT I CAUTION GOING FROM JANUARY 5 TO
JANUARY 7 FROM NOW ON. THAT'S GOING TO CAUSE CHAOS IN
THE CALENDAR INDUSTRY. THINK OF THE SEXY FIREMEN!
WON'T SOMEONE-- THINK OF-- THINKING OF THEM NOW.
CALIFORNIA REPRESENTATIVE ZOE LOFGREN MADE IT CLEAR HOW
PREPARED THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS TO LIE ABOUT THE ELECTION
RESULTS. A FEW DAYS BEFORE THE ELECTION,
MR. TRUMP CONSULTED WITH ONE OF HIS OUTSIDE ADVISER, INSIDE
OUTSIDE ADVISORS, INSIDE ACTIVIST TOM FITTON, ABOUT
STRATEGY FOR ELECTION NIGHT. THE SELECT COMMITTEE GOT THIS
PREPREPARED STATEMENT FROM THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES.
AS YOU CAN SEE, THE DRAFT STATEMENT, WHICH WAS SENT ON
OCTOBER 31st, DECLARES "WE HAD AN ELECTION TODAY, AND I WON"
>> Stephen: THEY WERE ALREADY PLANNING TO LIE ABOUT THE
ELECTION RESULTS AS EARLY AS OCTOBER 31st!
THAT'S THE SPOOKIEST HALLOWEEN EVER.
TRICK OR TREASON! IT'S A BOOOO D'ETAT!
( LAUGHTER )
WOOO! TO DRIVE HOME THE PREMEDITATED
NATURE OF THIS, LOFGREN PLAYED A TAPE OF WHITE HOUSE ADVISER
STEVE BANNON EXPLAINING THE PRESIDENT'S STRATEGY BEFORE THE
ELECTION-- IN FACT, ALSO ON HALLOWEEN.
>> AND WHAT TRUMP IS GOING TO DO IS JUST DECLARE VICTORY, RIGHT?
HE IS GOING TO DECLARE VICTORY. ALSO, IF TRUMP IS LOSING BY
10:00 OR 11:00 AT NIGHT, IT IS GOING TO BE EVEN CRAZIER.
NO, HE IS GOING TO SIT RIGHT THERE AND SAY THEY STOLE IT.
>> AGREE. >> I'M DIRECTING THE ATTORNEY
GENERAL TO SHUT DOWN ALL BALLOT PLACES IN 50 STATES.
( LAUGHING )
IF BIDEN IS WINNING, TRUMP IS GOING TO DO SOME CRAZY
( BLEEP ). >> Stephen: USUALLY, WHEN YOU
HEAR SOMEONE LAY OUT AN EVIL PLAN THAT BALDLY, JAMES BOND IS
STRAPPED TO A TABLE WITH A LASER POINTED AT HIS BALLS.
( LAUGHTER )
DOCUMENTARY CREW THAT WAS FOLLOWING ROGER STONE:
>> I REALLY DO SUSPECT IT WILL STILL BE UP IN THE AIR.
BUT WHEN THAT HAPPENS, THE KEY THING TO DO IS TO CLAIM VICTORY.
POSSESSION IS NINE-TENTHS OF THE LAW.
NO, WE WON. (BLEEP) YOU.
SORRY, OVER. WE WON.
YOU'RE WRONG. (BLEEP) YOU.
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY, ROGER, BIDEN WON.
(BLEEP) YOU. SORRY, OVER.
WE WON. YOU'RE WRONG.
(BLEEP) YOU.
THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIOLENCE,
THEY SAID IT, POINT-BLANK, LIKE THE LEADER OF THE PROUD BOYS,
ENRIQUE TARRIO. >> TARRIO, ALONG WITH OTHER
PROUD BOYS, HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH MULTIPLE CRIMES CONCERNING
THE ATTACK ON JANUARY 6th, INCLUDING SEDITIOUS CONSPIRACY.
DURING THE ATTACK, TARRIO SENT A MESSAGE TO OTHER PROUD BOYS
CLAIMING, "WE DID THAT." >> Stephen: OKAY, NOT THE BEST
IDEA TO CLAIM CREDIT FOR VIOLENT SEDITION WHILE IT'S
HAPPENING. BUT TO BE FAIR, THEY'RE NOT
CALLED "THE SMART BOYS."
THE COMMITTEE MADE CLEAR THAT THE EX-PRESIDENT WAS WELL AWARE
THAT HE HAD LOST. CASSIDY HUTCHINSON PUT IT IN
PLAIN TERMS. >> HE SAID SOMETHING TO THE
EFFECT OF, "I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT WE LOST, MARK.
THIS IS EMBARRASSING." >> Stephen: NO, LOSING ISN'T
EMBARRASSING. YOU KNOW WHAT'S EMBARRASSING?
THAT YOU WERE EVER OUR PRESIDENT, YOU TRAITOROUS
DINGLEBERRY.
PAINT A PICTURE. ♪ ♪ ♪
OH, MY GOD! THE COMMITTEE RECOUNTED THAT THE
EX-PRESIDENT LOST 61 COURT CASES WHERE HE TRIED AND FAILED TO
PROVE THERE WAS VOTER FRAUD, THEN SHOWED TESTIMONY FROM
FORMER WHITE HOUSE FIGURES SAYING HE SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED
THOSE RULINGS, INCLUDING HIS DAUGHTER IVANKA, WHO I WILL
REMIND YOU WAS A WHITE HOUSE STAFFER!
NEVER FORGET HOW CRAZY THAT PLACE WAS!
JIM! >> IVANKA, DO YOU BELIEVE THAT
THE PRESIDENT IS OBLIGATED TO ABIDE BY THE RULINGS OF THE
COURTS? >> I DO.
>> Stephen: OUCH. NOT THE "I DO" HE WAS HOPING FOR
FROM IVANKA.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.
NOW, REMEMBER THE EX-PRESIDENT AND HIS ALLIES' CONTINUING
EXCUSE, THE THING THEY'VE SAID A MILLION TIMES,s WAS THIS
WASN'T PLANNED. IT WAS JUST A SPONTANEOUS
OUTBURST OF COORDINATED VIOLENCE?
WELL, CHECK OUT THIS TEXT FROM AN ORGANIZER OF THE
JANUARY 6th RIOT: >> WE OBTAINED A TEXT MESSAGE
THAT ONE RALLY ORGANIZER SENT ON JANUARY 4th.
IN PART, IT READS THAT "POTUS IS GOING TO HAVE US MARCH THERE,
THE CAPITOL, AND POTUS IS GOING TO JUST CALL FOR IT
"UNEXPECTEDLY." >> Stephen: DID YOU NOTICE
THAT? "UNEXPECTEDLY."
BUDDY, THE QUOTES DON'T MAKE IT LESS ILLEGAL.
I'D LIKE TO SEE THIS GUY GETpPU. "OFFICER, I'M NOT DRUNK.
I AM "HEAVILY INEBRIATED" BECAUSE MY "WIFE" TOOK THE
"CHILDREN" AND THE "HOUSE" BECAUSE OF MY SERIOUS "DRINKING
PROBLEM."
NEW DAMNING DETAILS. CONGRESSMAN SCHIFF SHOWED SECRET
SERVICE MESSAGES DEMONSTRATING THAT AGENTS WERE AWARE OF ARMED
SUPPORTERS OF THE EX-PRESIDENT GATHERING OUTSIDE THE METAL
DETECTORS. >> BY 9:09 THAT MORNING, THE
SECRET SERVICE COULD ALSO SEE THAT MANY RALLY-GOERS WERE
ASSEMBLED OUTSIDE THE SECURITY PERIMETER.
ONE AGENT E-MAILED, "POSSIBLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE STUFF THAT
COULDN'T COME THROUGH? WOULD PROBABLY BE AN ISSUE WITH
THIS CROWD. JUST A THOUGHT."
>> Stephen: OKAY. BUT IF IT'S AN IMMINENT THREAT,
WHY ARE YOU PUTTING IT IN AN EMAIL?
"TO: WHITE HOUSE MAIL LIST. SUBJECT LINE: NO BIGGIE.
HEY, Y'ALL, JUST WANT TO PING YOU, RE: OUTBREAK OF CIVIL WAR.
LET'S PENCIL A MEETING ON THE CALENDAR.
NO WORRIES IF NOT. THANKS, GOTTA GO, BEING
TRAMPLED." NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE KNEW JUST
HOW BAD THIS WAS GONNA GET. IN THE LEAD-UP, JASON MILLER
EMAILED THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF MARK MEADOWS A
LINK TO A PAGE THAT WAS BLATANTLY PLANNING VIOLENCE.
>> THE LINKED WEB PAGE HAD COMMENTS ABOUT THE JOINT SESSION
OF CONGRESS ON JANUARY 6th. TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THOSE
COMMENTS. "GALLOWS DON'T REQUIRE
ELECTRICITY. IF THE FILTHY COMMIE MAGGOTS TRY
TO PUSH THEIR FRAUD THROUGH, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY."
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT IS TERRIFYING.
BUT WE HAVE A NEW NICKNAME FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT:
"HELL TOUPEE." WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK
HERE, BUT DON'T GO AWAY, BECAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
EXCITING CONCLUSION OF TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE!
STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )