She moved here, my wife moved here to New York City.
Not long ago, she, she moved here
kind of right before we got married.
Which was fun, I got to like watch New York
through fresh eyes you know, it was cool.
Cause if you, you know, if you're,
if you've been here too long enough, you don't care.
You don't care about any of the crazy shit.
But having her there, it's like, oh, it's like a baby.
You know, seeing everything.
Like we were like two weeks in, you know, to her being here.
And we were on the train one night
and there was this dude on one of the cars,
the car we were on, walking down the car,
pointing at everybody and saying, suck my dick.
(laughter)
Little bit, a little bit funny.
I, I, he was hitting everybody.
He was like, suck my dick, suck my dick, suck my dick,
suck my dick, maintain balance, suck my dick, you know.
And then he got to my wife and he was like,
suck my dick, and she was like, no ahhh.
I was, I was like, babe, you don't have to,
you know, it's not, this is New York.
He's giving you the option,
you can do anything here.
You can, go to Broadway, you can see Wicked.
You can suck this dude's dick, anything, come on now.
(laughter)
Southern belle, she did, whatever.
That's not true, that's not true.
That's not true.
Chill, all right.
We were, you know,
we were pretty young when we got married, I was 27.
That's young for New York, rest of the world,
that's like pretty average or too old.
This is actually my second marriage.
I got married once before when I was 17.
- [Crowd] Oh.
- So I know I, I get married every 10 years.
I don't.
(crowd laughing)
- I don't know why, but I'm like a cicada.
You know, I come out once a decade.
I find a mate, I sing a song.
(Ismael impersonating cicada)
(crowd laughing)
Pretty good cicada.
I'm, I'm glad you laughed.
I would practice that while I was walking my dog.
So people in that neighborhood just see me like, ahhh.
Like every, everyone's looking at me,
like he is so inspiring.
You know what I mean?
Like, wow, he's high-functioning oh my God.
(cicada impression)
(laughter)
Yeah, my wife, she wants to talk about my ex-wife a lot.
She likes to talk about exes.
It's kind of a thing,
I think ladies like to do talk about exes.
She does it cause you know,
I know why it's cause she wants to feel jealous.
You know, you know what I mean?
She's had a boring day and she's like,
I just wanna be, ooh, you know?
So she brings it up,
but she kind of like hides it
in this little gift wrapping of like,
no it's cause you learn from your exes.
You learn lessons and you need to explore our marriage.
Like what is the, what did you learn?
And I'm like, no, we're just, you wanna fight me?
No, it's a lesson.
She's not wrong though.
You, you do learn from your exes, you know?
And you know, excuse me,
I'm gonna be very heteronormative for this joke,
just wanna, somebody, somebody sighed, oh.
But it's true, I feel like men and women
learn very different lessons from our relationships,
you know, from our exes.
I feel like, you know, women learn very deep lessons.
They take a lot away, they change their trajectory for,
you know, they, they base their next relationship
off of the exes,
the accumulated knowledge that they've gathered, right.
And me like, I don't know guys.
I feel like we, like,
I think about what I've learned from my exes.
It's like fuck, you know like how to floss.
I don't know, you know what I mean?
Like I learned from my exes that after a shower,
the shower curtain shouldn't be bunched up.
It should be, you know, cause it'll get moldy.
You know what I mean?
You know the bathroom mirror,
no toothpaste on that bad boy,
you know what I mean?
You know the toilet,
like sometimes there will be like a brown ring in it.
That's not rust, that's shit, you can clean that.
Whoa, that was the most divisive thing I've said.
All right, you guys are like,
why is this dude talking about the rust ring,
the permanent rust ring in the toilet bowl.
It's funny, and then you listen to like a girl,
talk about her ex-boyfriends
and talk about what they've learned.
And it's always these deep stories
about trauma and how I learned from Brad
that I have unprocessed, you know,
issues with the way my dad treated me and my sister.
He preferred my sister over me.
And now I know when I'm looking for a guy,
like I just want a guy who doesn't find my sister hot,
cause it reaffirms me and my dad's relationship.
And then you look at like Brad or whatever
and he looks like Jared Fogle.
Like why is every ex-boyfriend
the dumbest looking motherfucker?
I have this theory,
every ex-boyfriend looks like shit, okay.
Hell yeah, jealous motherfucker over here, yeah.
And I'm humble, I get it, that's me.
I know there are dudes out there right now
dating my ex-girlfriends
looking at pictures of me on Instagram,
like really this guy, Farid Mercury,
this is the dude who, this is the guy.
Really, we kidding?
(laughter)