Vanessa Marin: Here's the deal, performance anxiety affects
everyone at some point in their lives, men and women. Our bodies are not robots, they
don't always do exactly what we want them to do, so none of us are immune to experiencing
anxiety in the bedroom. But I'm curious to try a little something here. Think back to
some of your hottest, most passionate sexual experiences, the ones where you felt totally
uninhibited, you performed really well and you just had a ton of fun. So who, specifically,
were those moments with? Now, I'm willing to bet that at least some of your absolute
hottest sexual experiences were from more casual relationships than from your long-term
relationship. So you would think that you would have less anxiety with the person that
you know really well and maybe even are in love with, but it often turns out that the
opposite is true in the bedroom. Hey, there, I'm Vanessa Marin. I'm a licensed
psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships. I've spent the last 15 years working with
thousands of people, and I've served as a featured expert for major magazines and websites
like the New York Times, O, The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple and many more. My mission is to
equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside
of the bedroom and out. In this video, I'm talking about what I call the casual sex phenomenon.
I'm going to dive into why I think casual sex can feel so much easier than long-term
relationship sex, and explain how you can start bringing more of that casual sex energy
into your long-term relationship. After watching this video, I hope you won't feel so bad when
you reminisce about steamy memories from your past or you catch yourself fantasizing about
someone who isn't your partner. Instead, I hope you'll feel ready and excited to breathe
new life into your sex life and kick your performance anxiety to the curb. Because,
don't we all want to get rid of performance anxiety?
So what is it about casual sex that has the potential for some seriously steamy moments?
And why does it feel so much easier to perform in those instances than it does with your
girlfriend, boyfriend, partner or spouse? So first let's dive into what makes casual
sex so exciting. Reason number one, casual sex is temporary. So being in a serious long-term
relationship is a wonderful thing. I've been with my husband, Xander, for almost 13 years.
I love being married, I love long-term relationships. It fosters better communication, it provides
a sense of safety, and it forges a really strong intimate connection. Now, casual sex
on the other hand is pretty much the exact opposite.
With casual sex, you know that the person that you're sleeping with is not your best
friend, not your partner in life. You know that maybe they even know very little about
you, they don't see you as a complex human being. And perhaps most significantly, you
know that your interactions with this person are temporary and fleeting, and there's actually
a lot of freedom to that. When you know that the person you're about to have sex with will
never be in your bed again, or maybe that you'll only ever see them in this context,
it takes a lot of pressure off of that encounter to being anything more than it really is,
just sex. It also allows you to explore things that you may not normally explore, like certain
fantasies that you have. And if the sex is not good, it's just not good, you just move
on, it's really not a big deal. But when we're in long-term relationships,
we feel a lot more pressure for sex to be perfect. We want to know that we have that
long-term compatibility, that we could have sex with just this one person for the rest
of our lives, so it's a totally different experience that can create a lot more pressure.
Reason number two, there's no emotional baggage. So when you're in a long-term relationship,
it can be a lot harder to separate your emotions from your sex life. And in most instances,
that's actually a really good thing. So most people want to have emotional sex at least
some of the time. You want to feel really connected to your partner, like you're experiencing
true intimacy with them. It means you're taking care of yourself and your partner in more
ways than just physical, you're bonding on a deeper level. But in terms of spicy, spontaneous
and passionate sex, not having all of that emotional baggage of a relationship can actually
make for a more carefree sexual experience. So think about it. With casual sex, you don't
have to make any effort to not think about the fight that you may have had earlier in
the week, or not think about the fact that your partner hasn't trimmed their mustache
even though you've asked them to do it a million times already. With casual sex, you're not
secretly thinking about how annoyed you are that your partner left their dirty laundry
on the floor yet again. The lack of emotional baggage frees up a lot of mental space that
you might not normally have, so it allows you to be more present in the moment and to
the sensations in your body. You're not keeping score of who's done what that week, if somebody's
done their chores or if somebody hasn't, you're just enjoying sex in the moment.
Reason number three, casual sex can be a huge confidence booster. So there's a reason why
movies and TV always portray characters with this extra little spring in their step after
sleeping with someone new for the first time. Not only does it release all kinds of natural,
feel-good hormones, but casual sex can feel like an accomplishment, like you played the
game right and you got the shiny prize at the end. Even if rationally you don't like
to think about sex that way, the experience of it in the moment can end up feeling like
that. That sense of accomplishment can be a huge confidence booster. And when you're
feeling confident about your performance and about the encounter in general, you're going
to start feeling pretty damn good about yourself too. A happier, more confident version of
you is definitely going to yield some great sex.
Okay. So now that we have covered why casual sex can feel so damn good, let's talk about
how harness the energy of those encounters and channel them into your sex life with your
long-term partner. Because I promise you, you are not doomed to a lifetime of boring
sex if you're in a long-term relationship. Tip number one, try new things. This is one
of the biggest tips that I ever give to couples, I am always telling couples to try new things
in the bedroom. Now, I know that you have heard this advice before, and you're probably
rolling your eyes just a little bit hearing it, but it's because it's so true. There is
so much excitement that comes from things that are novel and new. It's part of the reason
why the chase of getting a new sexual partner feels so damn exciting, because it's unchartered
territory, it's ready for the taking, it's something that feels new.
So you can channel that excitement about novelty into your sex life with your long-term partner.
You can tell them that you want to try new things, you want to make sure you guys keep
putting effort into your sex life and keeping it spicy, and you can brainstorm some new
ideas together. So you could research some new sex positions, you could switch up the
place where you usually have sex. You can also check out my video about seven different
ways to initiate sex, which you can find right up here. You'd be surprised by how simple
switches can really add variety and excitement to your sex life. So you don't need to change
absolutely everything about your sex life, make it brand new. A lot of people go overboard
thinking that they need to change everything but the reality is that just simple little
changes can feel really exciting and new. And if you want some extra inspiration and
you want to have a lot more fun, you can check out our 30 day sex challenge, which will give
you tons of specific ideas. Every single day you get an email with two different things
to try, one's a more sexual idea, one's a more sensual one, so there's plenty of options.
I'll put a description and a link to the challenge in the description box down below.
Tip number two, have conversations about sex. So part of the allure of casual sex is that
you're typically not as worried if your partner is going to enjoy a certain position or an
outfit or a fantasy. If you don't feel attached to them, you just feel more freedom to try
new things and you don't put so much pressure on yourself to figure everything out perfectly.
You may not even be really worried if they're going to like you a few days or weeks from
now, so you just go for it, betting on the fact that you likely will not have a deep
relationship with this person can just be really freeing.
So obviously you're not going to have that same lack of inhibitions with your long-term
partner, but what if you could work towards getting to a place where communication about
your sexual desires never made you feel self-conscious or embarrassed? What if you and your partner
could be so honest and frank with each other that all it took was some simple questions
to have the best sex of your life? What if you could be honest about when you were horny,
what you wanted to do, where you wanted to do it? So you can channel that lack of inhibitions
feeling that many of us experience during casual sex into your very uncasual relationship.
At the end of the day, it's really the feeling that we're chasing anyways.
Tip number three, get away. One of my favorite tips for couples trying to keep things spicy
is to try to plan little getaways on a regular basis. So maybe you can't afford to go on
a two week long vacation to paradise, but I'm willing to bet that you can spend a night
or two at an Airbnb in the town next door, or even in your town. So going on vacation,
just getting out of your space, even if it's just for a night or two, it really does wonders
for your sex life and your relationship. There's something about not having to do the dishes,
make the bed or do the laundry that just reminds you of what it's like to be playful and carefree
with each other. There's also ample opportunity to take advantage of fluffy hotel room sheets,
I love good hotel sheets, or maybe there's a backyard hot tub that you wouldn't normally
have access to. Vacation helps us relax and let stress melt away, but it also provides
that sense of newness that I mentioned earlier, so it can be the perfect playing ground for
experimenting with your sex life. All right, so that wraps up this video on
the casual sex phenomenon. If you liked this video, please give it a like, or better yet,
comment down below if you've had this experience. Is casual sex a lot easier for you? Or maybe
for you long-term relationship sex feels easier. So just let me know down in the comments,
always love to hear from you. And make sure to hit the red button to subscribe to our
YouTube channel, and while you're at it, also click that little notification icon so you
can keep getting notified when we post a new video.
I also have a little gift for you. If you want to get to know your sexual self even
better, or learn more about your partner's sexuality, you're definitely going to want
to check out my free quiz, What's Your Sex Personality Type? So this quiz will reveal
which of the 11 sex personality types you are, and will give you information on what
you need and like in the bedroom and how that matches up with what your partner might like
and need. So the link to that is in the description box below. Thanks so much for watching, and
see you next time. [inaudible 00:10:55]. Only, I can't read that.
The camera just started shaking, are we having an earthquake? What the... All right, so that
wraps up this... I cannot do it.