I've been doing comedy over 10 years.
And it is a dream job
if you hate money.
(audience laughing)
Like seriously, I have a podcast
called, Hot Breath,
and I've interviewed over 400
comedians on there.
And the top three tips have been
write jokes, get on stage,
and marry someone with a job.
(audience laughing)
That is the career path for anyone
looking at this like,
Oh I'd like to do that.
Well, you know marry up,
and you're here.
(audience laughing)
That's why I'm so gussied up.
This is my wife, this is not me.
I shop at Goodwill.
I'm a goodwillionaire.
But for this, she got me all fixed up.
I'm a fixer upper husband.
She's got me looking like this,
I'm afraid she's about to flip me.
(audience laughing)
Because I mean I've had to overcome
some hurdles even to get
to where I am tonight.
I think the biggest hurdle
of my life
was being born in Rome, Georgia,
which if you're not familiar,
just picture Mayberry but with Meth.
(audience laughing)
Oh yeah, I look purebred,
but I'm inbred.
(audience laughing)
I was born in a trailer, a.k.a.
a hallway with wheels.
(audience laughing)
But living in a trailer
is very luxurious.
It was like living in an Uber
and Airbnb.
(audience laughing)
And I think the biggest benefit
of being born in Rome, Georgia is
I now speak fluent
Redneck Tourette's.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, we code I'm in there now.
Don't get it,
don't let it come out now.
(audience laughing)
Here now, here.
But we can go back
to the college voice.
(audience laughing)
But it's in there.
I live in Atlanta now,
you know I'm all uppity, I guess.
(audience laughing)
But so in Atlanta, my name
is pronounced Joel Byars.
But in Rome, Jaiwol, Jaiwol Byres
(audience laughing)
And my wife's name is Erin,
but in Rome, it's Urn.
(audience laughing)
Jaiwol and Urn.
And that's how my family still talks.
They still talk
in that honky-bonics, you know.
(audience laughing)
So any time we go visit my Granny's
always like, "hey Jaiwol, Howdy,
"How's ern dern?"
(audience laughing)
Like, well she's out yonder,
earning a shirt,
really earning her keep, you know.
(audience laughing)
But I did marry the perfect wife.
Oh, she has a tattoo, so she can
handle permanent mistakes.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
I do love her though.
I mean, we got married
on April Fool's Day.
That was my one piece of input
into the wedding.
That was the last time she asked me
a question.
(audience laughing)
Because I was getting interrogated,
like I was at a point I was like,
man, I'd rather plan a divorce
than a wedding, goodness.
Every day, there was a whole grocery
list of things.
Well, are we going to have a band
or a DJ?
What's the hashtag going to be?
Are we going to have a theme?
What kind of food
are we going to have?
I had to be the voice of reason.
I'd Just be like, "honey, I love you.
"And I want whatever
"your parents pay for.
(audience laughing)
"Ask the investors these questions,
(audience laughing)
"because I'm still paying off
"your two rings, which I didn't know
"women got two rings."
Two weeks before the wedding,
my wife's like,
did you get the wedding band yet?
I was like, "the band?"
It's like, "aren't your parents
"paying for the band?"
It's like, no there's
an engagement ring and then
a wedding band
and I was like, "Oh, Beyonce didn't
"mention that one.
(audience laughing)
"She said, put a ring on it.
"Apparently, there's a remix.
(audience laughing)
♫ If you like it, then you got to put
♫ a ring on it.
♫ But if you love her, you better
♫ put another ring on it.
I was like, ♫ Oh no, no, no, no, no,
♫ no, no no doh, no more dough. ♫
(audience laughing)
Yeah, congratulations, you get two
rings, all right?
That's why men get paid more.
It's a ring tax.
Please, I'm all for equality,
all right.
I would love to make
what my wife makes.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
And it really -- she gets
the last laugh, because
at our wedding,
I cried, like a suspicious amount.
(audience laughing)
It was cute at first,
but it escalated quickly.
(audience laughing)
It went from, "Aaw, he loves her."
To "Oh, he's about to confess."
(audience laughing)
But it's emotional.
I'm sure any married man can relate.
Like when you just see her,
your best friend, your soul mate
walk down the aisle,
it just hits you.
(audience laughing)
That's it.
(audience laughing)
No more wedding planning.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Won't he do it, yes.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, it was beautiful thing.
But now we've been married
like five years.
Now we get heckled
about having kids.
Like all, it's all like my family,
"when are you having kids?"
I was like, oh, are you raising them?
(audience laughing)
We can't afford kids right now.
We don't have unlimited data.
(audience laughing)
I mean, you can't raise a kid
on 10 gigs a month.
(audience laughing)
Not if you love it.
(audience laughing)
Because that iPad,
that's the new pacifier now.
Any time the kid cries,
"Oh here Timmy.
"Just Google happy.
(audience laughing)
"I'm going to get on Facebook
"and find your father."
(audience laughing)
And the kid runs off alone
with an iPad.
It's a lot of work being a parent too.
I don't know how, like my sister has
like a three-year-old.
She photographs this thing
like it's missing.
(audience laughing)
Like is this Facebook,
or an AMBER Alert?
(audience laughing)
Oh, no I don't--
ain't nobody got time for that.
(audience laughing)
I think I will eventually have kids,
though.
Someone's got to pay off my loans
(audience laughing)
because I ain't going to do it.
Sallie Mae hits me up every month,
asking when I'm paying back loans.
No.
Student debt is over $1 trillion,
she can't catch us all.
(audience laughing)
You bet on the wrong horse, Sallie.
(audience laughing)
I owe $80 grand, the government
owes $20 trillion, all right.
I'll pay off my debt
after they pay theirs.
(audience laughing)
The only thing still made in America
are loans.
(audience laughing)
And my school was a bit expensive,
I will say.
I studied abroad in East Tennessee.
(audience laughing)
They're very exotic in Them Thar Hills.
They have their own redneck
tourettes going on over there,
Like Joel and Jaiwol,
in East Tennessee, they pronounce
math, meiath.
Meiath.
I thought I was signing up for math
class, day one like, "hey,
"welcome to meiath class.
"Today, we learn how to subtract
"your teeth and divide your family.
(audience laughing)
"That'll be $80,000."
I'm like that math doesn't add up.
(audience laughing)