Hello, I’m from the Australien Government
Remember how we promised to fix our broken environment laws?
Well, uh…
we need to talk about that
You see, our environment laws
aka the Environment Protection and Biodiversity Conservation Act
were introduced by this desiccated coconut a quarter of a century ago
Which probably explains why we’re the world leader in mammal extinctions
and the only wealthy nation to be listed as a global deforestation hotspot
and why 19 of our ecosystems are collapsing
including the Reef, which is currently dying in the arse of a warming ocean
And that is why our Environment Minister
a lovely lady who just wants to hug koalas
said, enough!
“Our environment laws are broken.” And she promised to fix them
But actually, this Act has been working just as the coconut intended
which was to greenlight the approvals of 740 fossil-fuel projects since it was introduced
And to be honest
we fucken love that
Which is why, since inheriting those laws, not only have we not fixed them
we’ve kept on using them to approve more coal and gas projects
Except now we get to look sad and pretend we’re forced to approve them
because of our “broken” environment laws
So now, when Tanya gets a new coal or gas proposal, it goes something like this…
Don’t you worry, Tanya will protect you…
Oi, Tanya!
Oh hey Santos, how can I help
Put that wombat down I need you to approve 116 coal seam gas wells for us in Queensland
Oh no! the Reef is undergoing its worse bleaching event on record
and burning more gas is gonna make that worse but my hands are tied by this darn EPBC Act
but my hands are completely tied by this darn EPBC Act, so...
Approved
Oi darl, approve this extension to our coal mine will ya?
Oh dang! We’re already like, the biggest exporter of coal on the planet
and even if that coal is burned overseas it will still worsen the floods we’re seeing here…
but ugh… what can I do?
Approved
Oi sweetcheeks, can you chuck us an approval for this coal mine will ya, and uh...
hurry up about it?
Ah, now I know that will cause more intense bushfires but…
Approved!
Oi Tan, here’s another one, um...
and can you also make us a sandwich could ya, hun
I suppose one new species extinction isn’t too bad…
Approved
Oi... lady, can you…
Approved
And that’s just the start
there’s another 25 coal mines waiting on Tanya’s desk for approval
Like this one, which would clear 500 hectares of endangered koala habitat
and this one, which would clear even more
Oh and that doesn’t include all the gas proposals on Tanya’s desk
And that is why environment groups have been begging us
to insert a Climate Trigger in the EPBC Act
Is it a good idea?
Sure, just ask Albo
20 years ago, when in opposition
he introduced an amendment to the EPBC Act that would do just that
Take a look
“The climate change trigger will enable major new projects
“to be assessed for their climate change impact…
“as part of any environmental assessment process
“We need action. And one of the actions that we need is this amendment to the EPBC Act”
Sadly, it didn’t pass
But now that he’s the boss of this Government, Albo can finally fix our environment laws
There’s just one problem
he’s not the boss of this government
these guys are
And when we promised you we’d fix our environment laws,
they quickly reminded us of that
Oi, Punter’s Politics
tell em about that time Santos sent a letter to our Resources Minister, Madeleine King
It went something like this
Oi Mad Dog
Oh hey Santos
Why is Tanya reforming our perfectly good fossil-fuel approval... I mean, environment laws?
I’m so sorry Santos
And what’s this about First Nations winning a court case again Woodside?
This could jeopardise our Barossa pipeline
How about I try and sneak a new law through Parliament
so that even if the reforms do pass, they won't affect you
Do it
And maybe give it a longarse name so no one suspects anything
How about the “Offshore Petroleum and Greenhouse Gas Storage Amendment (Safety and Other Measures) Bill”?
Good job
"And Iiiiiiiiiiii...."
So did it work? Are we good to go?
No, people worked out what I was doing and I had to pull the bill
Oh c’mon, Mads!
Oh but don’t worry, while everyone was looking into that, we approved your Barossa pipeline
Oh! Good
And we’ll re-introduce the sneaky bill again when people have forgotten
Hm... you really are a sneaky captured politician
Aww thanks Santos
"Coz I'm your lady...."
And what about that time the fossil fuel and mining lobbies called us up
Oi, Tanya Oh hey guys
You have to shelve your EPBC reforms
Aww, we'll cop it so much from the public if we do...
Just throw them an Environmental Protection agency, or something
But isn’t an EPA pointless if we don’t strengthen the laws that underpin it?
That’s the point
Also remember to give yourself “call-in” powers so you can override the EPA’s decisions
whenever we… I mean, you need to
Wouldn’t that undermine the EPA’s independence?
C’mon Tanya, it’s good for the country Yeah, remember, fossil fuel companies
Yeah, remember?
fossil fuel companies are the “backbone of the economy”
Don’t we collect more HECS from our brokearse students than we do from our petroleum tax?
lol yeh, forgot about that
Pissweak EPA with ministerial ‘call-in’ powers
Got it?
Got it
But what really did it, was that call we got from Woodside, or as some call it
the Western Australian Government
She knows that I'm the Prime Minister, right?
Oi, Albo
Oh, hey WA
Sorry to hear about your forests dying there due to climate drought
it looks really bad in the photos
Shutup
You need to shelve those EPBC reforms right now
But we promised the voters…
You know we own this state, right?
Yeh…
You wouldn’t us to to tell folks here to vote Liberal at the next election now, wouldja?
No…
Just sayin’, that might put you into minority government…
That would be even worse than losing the Reef
And sure enough
the next day we announced that we won’t be fixing our environment laws after all
But hey, here’s a new pissweak EPA with ministerial ‘call-in’ powers
And yes, we know...
the State of the Environment Report said nature is dying
And sure we blamed the previous government for a decade of ‘inaction and wilful ignorance’
And we know you want this government to protect nature and take real climate action
Unfortunately, this government is captured in the arse by these guys
So if you want one that gives a shit about what you want
you’ll have to elect a better one at the coming election
Til then, we’ll keep pretending to be sad as we approve these 25 new coal mine proposals
Which is a bit like crying while you’re having a wank in public:
you know it's wrong but you just can’t stop
Australien Government