I like theme parks,
I'm a big ride enthusiast,
but to me, the best thrill rides
are at the state fair.
Yeah, they say you feel most alive
when you're closest to death.
You don't get much closer to death
than the rides at the fair.
(audience laughing)
You go to Six Flags, it takes a team
of engineers years to build a ride.
There's diagrams, schematics,
safety precautions.
None of that at the fair.
You go down the Midway,
you got the non-OSHA
approved construction crew
putting up a tilt-a-whirl in the back
of a flatbed pickup truck.
(audience laughing)
Armed with just a broken
pair of vise grips,
a can of WD-40, and a weak command
of the English language.
(audience laughing)
You know it's gonna be a thrill ride
when you got a trash can
and see some loose bolts
and an empty roll of duct tape.
(audience laughing)
That's gonna be a good ride
on the Gravitron.
(audience laughing)
And if the rides at the fair don't kill you,
the food will, won't it?
Ooh, deep fried Twinkies,
deep fried Oreos.
I thought I'd seen everything.
They had a booth at the fair
selling deep fried butter.
- [Audience Member] Yeah.
- Yeah, you've seen it.
They take a whole stick of butter,
batter it,
fry it, put it on a stick like a little
artery blocking hors d'oeuvre.
Now I'm no doctor, but if you're eating
deep fried butter, you have really
let yourself go.
(audience laughing)
You don't care if you live or die,
like, "Here's five bucks,
"let's see what happens."
(audience laughing)
Hey, you only live once, not for long.
(audience laughing)
I'm trying to eat healthier.
It's hard, I come from a big family.
Whenever we get together
over the holidays, Thanksgiving
and Christmas, we always have
the potluck dinner.
And I don't know about you,
but I'm not a fan of the potluck.
There's a reason why that word
"luck" is in there, isn't it?
(audience laughing)
You don't know what you're
eating or who made it.
You don't know if that hair
in the casserole
is human or animal, you don't know.
It could be off somebody's head,
could be from a cat.
They're like, "Oh, that's just corn silk."
Corn silk? This corn got a perm.
(audience laughing)
Ain't nobody breeding corn silk.
And the food's so unhealthy
at the potluck,
my Aunt Margaret, I don't even know
how this is possible,
she can make a chocolate pie
that smell like cigarettes.
(audience laughing)
Now how much do you have to smoke
to make a chocolate pie
smell like cigarettes?
Like, mm, is that Marlboro meringue?
Just a hint of nicotine.
(audience laughing)
My grandma could turn anything
into junk food.
Take some green beans off the vine,
sauté 'em in some pork fat,
cover with some Velveeta cheese,
sprinkle some fried onions on top,
call it a green bean casserole.
(audience laughing)
She'd be like,
"Come and get your veggies."
Veggies, Grandma?
We could deep fry that
and serve it at the fair.
(audience laughing)
Trying to pass that off as a vegetable
is like making a milkshake
out of Skittles
and calling it a fruit smoothie.
(audience laughing)
Who you foolin'?
My family, they eat,
they take that plate and pile it up high,
get that greasy fried chicken,
some mashed potatoes,
cover the whole plate with gravy
like a little cholesterol volcano.
And then they'd always
ask that same blessing.
Lord, bless this food
to the nourishment of our bodies.
(audience laughing)
Nourishment?
Now, I know the Lord works miracles,
but you have got to meet him halfway.
(audience laughing)
The Bible said your body is a temple,
not a drive thru.
(audience laughing)
Jesus fed the multitude
with five loaves
and two fishes,
not five dozen Krispy Kremes
and two buckets of KFC.
Can I get an amen?
- [Audience] Amen.
- All right.