-Welcome, everybody. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, this is big.
Today, President Biden gave U.S. intelligence agencies
90 days to find out exactly how COVID started.
Yep. Biden was like, "If you can find a fiancé in 90 days,
you can find the truth about COVID."
[ Laughter ] "I believe that."
It's worth a shot. I mean, if we've learned anything
from Marvel movies,
everyone loves a good origin story, you know?
[ Laughter ] And I'm excited,
'cause they've already cast Timothée Chalamet
to play young COVID. [ Laughter ]
So that's gonna be cool.
Yep, Biden wants the COVID origin story now.
Then, in 10 years, he wants a COVID reunion on HBO Max.
[ Laughter ]
I'm pretty sure this will end with us tracing COVID
back to the same lab that came up with the McRib.
[ Laughter ]
I love this.
It's in the shape of a rib, isn't it?
-Ribbish. -Ribbish, right?
Like, bone-in? -Eh, no.
It looks like a bone-in rib. -Like, it looks like the thing
that flipped over Fred Flintstone's car.
-Exactly. That big, like a bronto-rib.
-I love it. Here's some more big news.
Last night, it came out that a grand jury is hearing evidence
against former President Trump and could indict him.
-Ooh. -Yep.
Trump knew he was in trouble when he called his lawyer
and the FBI answered Rudy's phone.
[ Laughter ] "You're being recorded."
We know a trial is close when the courtroom sketch artist
goes to Michael's and says,
"Give me all the orange crayons you have."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"It's going down. It's going down."
[ Applause ]
Of course, Trump responded to the news
in his official statement.
He said, "It's a total witch hunt."
Then he added, "I'm completely innocent."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, he said, "Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to catch a flight to Mexico."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
He's innocent.
Some news from the U.K. Apparently, at the start
of the pandemic, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson
wanted to be injected with COVID on live TV
so people could see there's nothing to be scared of.
[ Laughter ]
Once again, no good idea has ever started with,
"I'm gonna inject myself." [ Laughter ]
Boris was like, "In hindsight, it was stupid."
[ Laughter ]
And then opened a Starbucks bathroom door with his mouth.
"Aaaah!" [ Laughter ]
Well, guys, as we head into summer,
I read that there's already a big shortage of fireworks.
-Ooh. -That's not good,
'cause the only thing worse than mixing booze and fireworks
is mixing booze and bootleg fireworks.
That's what I say. [ Laughter ]
"I don't know what the heck it does.
Just light it." [ Laughter ]
"Don't go near it!" [ Laughter ]
"All right. One selfie -- that's it.
Then don't touch it!
Oh, look, the dog's playing with it.
Oh, that's fun." [ Laughter ]
"All right. Take it out of his mouth."
Some guys are gonna be like, "Well, I guess we could just
deep-fry a turkey and hope for the worst."
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this. In Virginia, a man created
a COVID-safe way for people to --
I love inventions. -Yeah.
-I love inventions. -You do.
-They're my favorite. I really do.
So, this man in Virginia created a COVID-safe way
for people to blow out birthday candles
by inventing a device that's called the Blowzee.
[ Laughter ]
I think it's a good idea, but I'm not sure I want the word
Blowzee showing up on my credit-card statement.
[ Laughter ]
And get this -- I read that over $1 million worth of cocaine
tied to life jackets washed up on a beach in England.
Police got to work on the case while the SyFy Channel
got to work on "Cocaine Shark."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'd watch -- I'd watch "Cocaine Shark."
-Yeah. -Finally, new research estimates
that the oldest maximum age humans can live is 150 years.
Right now, there's a 149-year-old who's like,
"I thought I'd have more time."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Guys, a lot of people are talking about
President Biden's $1.7 trillion infrastructure plan.
This, by the way, is my new voice.
-You like it? I like the black shirt,
the black tie, and the smokey voice.
-It's almost like a new character.
-Yeah. -It's a whole new me.
-Chip. -Chip?
[ Laughter ] No, no, no.
I think his name is, like, Jack. -Jack or Jake.
-Jack Fallon. Jake Fallon?
Is this a Jake Fallon or Jack? -Jake.
-I think it's Jake. -Jake.
-Jake? -Jake.
-Ya-ksh! [ Laughter ]
-Jake! -After every joke...
-Wa-ksh! [ Laughter ]
Yeah.
-I don't know if it's a bluesy thing.
It's more like techno streets of Tokyo.
-Right. Like you're going --
You're futuristic. -Yeah. It's raining out.
-Right, like "Blade Runner." -It's raining out.
There's a bunch of neon. -Right.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Cheering ]
♪♪
"Come on! I've got to get you out of here!"
♪♪
-Jake Fallon! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Sorry. I lost my voice the other night,
so now -- 'Cause I was singing with --
When you have a sing-along with Dave Grohl, that's what happens.
-What a better way to lose your voice.
-It's the best way to lose your voice.
Anyways -- -I was yelling at my kids,
and I lost my voice. That's not fun.
"Get out of here! Get off my lawn!"
-That's not a charming story. [ Laughter ]
-They weren't my kids. They were somebody else's kids.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
And you call them your kids. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, the neighborhood kids. You know.