After I saw the movie I went
and got a bite to eat
and the waitress was really upset
because this guy
who had been really rude at her table,
didn’t tip her,
and instead of a tip
he wrote his phone number
on the receipt,
like that was the tip.
(light laughter)
And she’s like
"I don’t want this number!"
And I’m like "I do want that number".
(laughter)
Because frankly if anyone deserves
to have a professional
comedian messing with him,
it’s this guy.
(laughter)
So she gave me the phone number
and I’ve been texting the guy
for the last 72 hours.
(laughter)
(applause)
Oh yeah.
It is fun!
Do you guys wanna
hear our text messages?
(whistles)
(shouts)
I knew you would, so I printed them out.
(laughter)
I started off by saying,
"Thanks for leaving me your number"
Winky face.
(laughter)
It’s a good start.
(light laughter)
He said "Aha, yeah,
"I was enamored by your
"matching boots and hair."
(laughter)
So I said "What does enamored mean"?
(laughter)
He said "It means I liked it.
"A lot."
(light laughter)
I said "Oh, I never heard that word.
(light laughter)
"So you’re like really smart.
(laughter)
"Smart and handsome."
Winky face.
(laughter)
He said "Ha yeah, I’m a double threat."
(laughter)
He asked, "Are you from around here?"
And I said, "I’m originally from
Savannah, Georgia.
Did you notice my accent?"
She didn’t have an accent.
(laughter)
"My Daddy was a stock car racer
"and Momma left when I was nine.
(laughter)
"How about you?"
(light laughter)
He said, "I thought I sorta
noticed an accent."
(laughter)
Nope, no you didn’t.
(laughter)
And he said, "I’m from California.
"I moved here about a year ago."
I said, "Oh yeah?
"I never went to there.
(laughter)
"Why’d you move to Utah?
"You one of them Mor-mans?"
(laughter)
He said, "Ha ha, no way.
"I moved here for a job.
"I’m a computer programmer.
"In fact, at work, they call me
"the programming ninja."
(laughter)
Man, at this point if I could murder
someone with a text message, oh boy,
I’d do the world a favor.
(laughter)
Then he added
Why’d a pretty Southern girl
"like you move to Utah?"
I said "Daddy won a race
"And the guy he beat didn't pay him,
"so Daddy beat him up and went to jail.
(laughter)
"So I came out here to live with my aunt.
"Her name is Susan.
(laughter)
Her last name is Carrot."
Like the vegetable?
(laughter)
"Isn’t that the weirdest
name you ever heard?
"Susan Carrot?"
(light laughter)
He said "Definitely a funny name.
"So do you live in Salt Lake City
"or somewhere else?"
I said "I live in a place called Porvo."
(laughter)
He said "I’ve heard of Provo".
I said "I’m pretty sure it’s Porvo".
(laughter)
And then no messages for a little while.
(laughter)
Until last night.
At two in the morning.
I get a text from this guy.
That just says, "You up?"
(laughter)
(Whoops from audience)
I was.
(laughter)
I said "Yes I am,
"because my finger hurts really bad.
(laughter)
"Do you know what kind of doctor I’m
"supposed to see for that?"
(laughter)
He said "Just any doctor, I guess".
(laughter)
I said, "I only have enough
money to see one doctor.
"So I need to make sure
I find the right one
"the first time.
"So are there like, finger doctors?"
He said "I don’t think so,
"I think any physician will do.
"What happened to your finger?"
I said "I don’t know.
"My aunt’s cat scratched it
"and I thought it was fine,
"but now it’s big and it hurts and it
"isn’t normal colored.
(laughter)
"You know what, I think I just realized
"I’m scared of doctors.
"I’ll probably just wait it out."
(laughter)
And then this guy, singularly focused,
just not even understanding
what’s happening,
asks me,
"Well, what are you wearing?"
(laughter)
So I said "How dare you,
I’m a happily married man!"
(laughter)