♪♪
[audience applause]
[slow jazz]
Clint Voiceover: Another steamy summer night in Los Angeles,
the kind of night that makes you wanna
throw your legs up on the desk and give 'em a break.
That's when she walked in.
I knew she was trouble from the second the door swung open.
Dark hair, brown eyes, and legs.
One, it went all the way from the floor to her waist,
and the other one, it went right from her waist to the floor.
[audience laughter]
- 'Scuse me, are you Clint Dilly, Private Eye?
Clint Voiceover: Unless my eyes deceived me, I counted two.
Two perfectly normal legs.
One on her left, one on her right.
I may not have known much in this dog-eat-dog world,
but I knew what legs looked like, and those were legs.
- Clint?
Clint Voiceover: She asked me my name again.
I had to think fast.
- The name's Clint.
And you?
You have two legs.
- Uh, yeah, I do.
Listen, my husband's gone missing
and I just can't seem to find him [fading out]
Clint Voiceover: Each leg seemed to support her body,
either that or her body was floating like a ghost
and her legs were dangling underneath it,
but that seemed unlikely.
That seemed crazy.
- Which is why I need you to track him down!
- How many legs did he have?
[audience laughter]
- Um, two.
Anyway, he was last seen... [fading out]
Clint Voiceover: It was a start, but it wasn't enough,
and that's when I noticed it.
How could I have been so blind?
The answer to finding this woman's missing husband
had been right under my nose the whole time.
Right under my chin.
Right under my shoulders.
Right under my torso.
Right under my waist.
Legs!
I had a pair also.
Was it a coincidence?
No.
I was convinced my own legs had kidnapped this woman's husband.
They must have done it while I was sleeping.
Legs told me the whole story.
I knew what I had to do.
I had to arrest my own legs.
Then it occurred to me, legs?
If I had them, criminals probably had them too,
and that meant my legs were off the hook...
for now.
Too bad I lost the key.
[audience laughter]
- Did you just arrest your own legs?
Clint: Huh?
[knocking]
- Clint.
Case has been solved.
We found this dame's husband.
He was picked up last night by [fading out]
Clint Voiceover: Just when I thought
the plot was as thick as pea soup,
and I mean thick pea soup.
Another set of gams enters my little office.
Two legs, dressed exactly the same.
Why would two legs need to dress exactly the same
unless they were in cahoots?
Was it a coincidence?
Of course it wasn't.
- Clint, did you arrest your own legs again?
- They were a suspect
before I thought your legs might be in cahoots.
- What makes you think my legs are in cahoots?
- Your boots.
Clint Voiceover: His boots were in cahoots.
[audience laughter]
I rifled through my drawer for my pistol.
I was convinced
the officer's legs had murdered this lady's husband.
They must've done it while he was sleeping.
I was going to shoot them clean off, but just then--
Officer: He's right here.
We found him trying to beat feet to Hawaii
and cash a little life insurance policy.
[voiceover and Clint]: This freak's legs are entirely naked!
[audience laughter]
[jazz music]
Clint Voiceover: Legs.
Gams.
Walkin' pegs.
Lady stilts.
Getaway sticks.
Longer arms with feet on 'em instead of hands.
- Clint, buddy, you need some serious help.
[audience cheering]
- Studio C.
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