IS EVERYONE EXCITED FOR THE SUPER BOWL ON SUNDAY?
(CHEERING) THAT'S NO SURPRISE.
OF COURSE YOU ARE.
IT'S LIKE THE OLYMPICS, ONLY BETTER BECAUSE IT HAPPENS EVERY
YEAR AND AMERICA ALWAYS WINS.
(LAUGHTER) OF COURSE, THIS YEAR THE BIG
GAME IS BETWEEN THE DENVER BRONCOS, A.K.A. "THE BRONCS,"
AND THE CAROLINA PANTHERS, A.K.A. "THE PANTS."
(LAUGHTER) AND AS SOON AS THE SUPER BOWL
ENDS, I, STEPHEN COLBERT, WILL BE HOSTING A SPECIAL LIVE
EPISODE OF "THE LATE SHOW!" ARE YOU READY FOR SOME SHOW THAT
FOLLOWS FOOTBAAAAAAAAALL?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) EVEN THOUGH WE'RE DAYS AWAY FROM
THE BIG SHOW WE'RE ALREADY IN THE FEARSOME GRIP OF THE WEEK.
IT ALL KICKED OFF ON MONDAY WITH SUPER BOWL MEDIA DAY, WHERE THE
TEAMS MEET THE PRESS IN AN ORGY OF PROMOTIONAL ECSTASY, ALONG
WITH, FOR SOME REASON, PEOPLE WHO APPARENTLY COULDN'T GET INTO
"LET'S MAKE A DEAL."
>> IT WAS MOVED TO THE EVENING.
IT WAS CHAOS.
THERE WERE CLOWNS AND SUPER HEROES AND MISS UNIVERSE.
>> Stephen: YES!
CLOWNS AND SUPER HEROES, AND MISS UNIVERSE, MARIONETTES AND
DARK MAGICIANS A THOUSAND SCREAMING PEACOCKS EMERGING FROM
A GOLDEN CLAMSHELL, THEIR WINGS BLOTTING OUT THE VERY SUN.
UNTIL FINALLY, PEYTON MANNING ENTERS IN A CHARIOT WEARING THAT
DRESS FROM "THE HUNGER GAMES."
(LAUGHTER) SO A GREAT NIGHT FOR FOOTBALL.
IT WAS SO GREAT TO SEE THE GUYS TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK
BACK TO THE FANS, LIKE PANTHERS QUARTERBACK CAM NEWTON WHO SAID:
"WE'VE GOT NUMEROUS GUYS, NOT ONLY JUST HIM, THAT HAVE BEEN
MAKING AN IMPACT AND LIVING THEIR DREAM.
AN OVAL-SHAPED PIGSKIN HAS TAKEN THEM A LONG WAY."
AND "I TELL KIDS, THAT OVAL-SHAPED PIGSKIN CAN TAKE YOU
A LOT OF PLACES."
HOW INSPIRING TO THINK THAT A YOUNG MAN NAMED CAM MADE IT TO
THE SUPER BOWL WITHOUT EVER LEARNING THE WORD "FOOTBALL."
(LAUGHTER) NO ONE TELL HIM.
TOO LATE.
IT'S TOO LATE AT THIS POINT.
NOW ALL THESE HUGE N.F.L. STARS GIVING ACCESS TO THE MEDIA
REMINDED ME: I AM ALSO A MEDIA.
AND I NEED TO GET PUMPED FOR MY POST SUPER BOWL SHOW.
SO I SENT MY INTERVIEW STRIKE TEAM TO MEDIA DAY TO ASK THE
PLAYERS ONE SIMPLE QUESTION: >> WHAT DO YOU DO TO GET PUMPED
UP FOR THE BIG SHOW?
♪ >> I PUT ON A TINY CROWN AND
SAY, WHO'S THE PRINCE OF FOOTBALL?
ME!
THAT'S WHO.
>> I TELL MY CAT THAT THE GAME IS ALREADY OVER AND WE WON.
AND THEN I HAVE TO GO OUT AND WIN BECAUSE I CAN NEVER LIE TO
HER.
>> EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AT 4:00 A.M. SO I CAN GET OUT THERE
AND SCORE SOME REALLY GOOD DEALS AT GARAGE SALES.
NOTHING GETS ME GOING LIKE PAYING ONLY $2 FOR A USED CROCK
POT.
>> I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I SAY THE NAMES OF MY FAVORITE
FANS -- COOPER, MYKAYA, MADISON, VIVIAN, TYLER, ZACH, GLORIA,
ALICE, ALEXIS...
♪ >> YOU GOT TO ALWAYS GIVE 110%
UNTIL YOU REALIZE THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY POSSIBLE, AND THEN JUST
GIVE 100%.
>> I JUST THINK TO MYSELF, WHAT WOULD THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS
DO BUT FOR FOOTBALL?
>> SIX CANS OF SELTZER, BELCH THE ALPHABET AND I'M READY TO
RUMBLE.
>> I WEAR MY LUCKY RABBITS FOOT, THEN PUT ON MY SOCKS AND SHOES
SO NO ONE CAN SEE ONE OF PI FEET IS A RABBITS FOOT.
>> MATT, ADAM, PAUL, CHRIS, TIM, ANDRO...
♪ >> I DO IT FOR ALL THE DINOSAURS
WHO DIDN'T LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE ME PLAY, BUT I KNOW THEY'RE
WATCHING IN DINOSAUR HEAVEN.
>> WHENEVER THE COACH TELLS US TO TAKE A NEERKS I SAY WHERE DO
YOU WANT US TO TAKE IT?
IT ALWAYS GETS A LAUGH.
>> JIM PAGE, JIM D., JIM III, JIM IV, JIM...
♪ >> WHEN I WANT TO INTIMIDATE THE
OTHER TEAM, I MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT ON THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE
AND I MOUTH THESE WORDS -- (LAUGHTER)
>> OWEN, MARIA, WILLIAM -- YVETTE, GREG, LIZ, DAN, THAI,
TYRONE.
>> CARTER, KARL.
♪ >> I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE
MIRROR AND I SAY, CANDY MAN, THREE TIMES.
AND WHEN HE APPEARS AND TRIES TO KILL ME, I RUN REALLY FAST.
>> AUTO -- ERIC, GLEN, EMILY, KAREEM.
I LIKE TO LISTEN TO THE LINE KING SOUND TRACK BEFORE THE BIG
GAME.
♪ CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT ♪
JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THE SOUND OF TWO LINES DOING IT THAT
LIKELY GETS MY BLOOD PRESSURE.