G'day, A.J. Mahari here just want to do a quick video response to a comment i saw on the channel
earlier i'm just in between clients right now today and the comment was when did people with
bpd ever stop hoovering because it's been six months already can anybody answer when do these
people stop hoovering it's been six months already and who knows how many times per month you know
the hoovers over six month period of time have been but here's the thing so many people how
are you getting hoovered is my first question and to the commenter that would be my first question
that i think i wrote a comment below to say have you gone full no contact because many people
haven't many people still find that very difficult that can be a challenge that i know i work with a
lot of clients that when we start to work when they come to work with me and i'm out here to
work with you if you resonate with me that they haven't really gone for no contact they
are not out of that limbo of no man's land of you know yes it's a breakup or i got ghosted or
they're you know you're so so it's a bpd relationship breakup but like it's not really
it's somewhere in that limbo between really a breakup and you're really gonna start to try to
you know get into the second stage of you know the survive because becoming a survivor of the
bpd relationship breakup by going to therapy by being phone no contact by taking care of yourself
and so a lot of people in that limbo place between breakup ghosting getting hoovered leaving avenues
of leaving avenues of uber open so you need to ask yourself today if you're next to somebody with bpd
or on again off again or you're not sure if it's really over or it's just this cycle that's ongoing
uh they ghost and they come back and they hoover so you know what what are you doing and and what
i mean by that is what is your intention and are you aware are you feeling two things at the same
time one that you're more aware of like could you be more bothered like this comment or seem to be
could you be more bothered by hoover at a given point in time and but like also be still invested
in you want them back and you want the person they were back and you might want to try again
because if somebody's hoovering you for six months they must have an avenue to do it with right
which means somebody hasn't gone bold no contact and a lot of people i work with as clients are in
needing help and guidance and strategy and support to actually get the full no contact done
because it's very difficult for people with codependency and because you might really be
having two contradictory and cognitive dissonance emotional dissonance feelings at once it's it's
like it's it's off or it's off and on but like i not i really want to try again and so in that
way people invite hoovers not all people at bpd hoover women with bpd and men with bpd can hoover
and the point is have you gone full no contact do you know what your full intent is or are you
still really emotionally confused and otherwise may be confused and are you still sort of like
really in that place where you could easily go back as many many people do it's not always a
straight line from the bpd relationship breakup to having to deal with it and whatever because either
you reverse uber some people x's will reverse hoover and or a lot of people bpd will hoover
and some not all do hoover but some that hoover can't stop hoovering and then more to the point
why do you expect they would stop hoovering if you keep letting yourself be hoovered
so have you gone full no contact are you really done do you still want them back because many
people even when they know that the relationship can't work and they're moving into the next phase
they really still have a lot of feelings of wanting the person back but it's like
do you have have you set an intention that even with those feelings you know you don't want to
go there or not so that's what people have to think about and the way i read the comment i'm
you know i'm adding the intonation to it but it really sounds like the person is distressed right
like can anybody tell me when these people bp ever stop hoovering it's been six months
and yet i don't know and i hope the commenter will you know reply to my comment at least on
the channel but my first question was like are you full no contact because how are they hovering you
so you see what i'm saying like this could be in your subconscious
it could be that consciously you're fed up you're exhausted you don't know what's going on
it's over maybe you got ghosted maybe you broke up with them but it's still also compelling and
you're in that limbo sort of no man's land place between the breakup and the next steps and then
some people just go back go back go back and i'm gonna have a video coming on that if not
later today well probably like well in a day or two let me just put it that way
and so the thing is what you need to know about when you're still being hoovered is there's an
avenue they're hoovering you through why haven't you blocked it so what might that mean for you to
be brutally honest with yourself about you know if i i'm out here to help you if i resonate with you
book a session with me or if you have someone else you want to work with get into therapy and and and
work on this and and and like really look at it in a brutal honest way because for so many people
that think they're ready to move on they're not and there's so many people that are going to
go back and try again and go back and try again that this is x's of those of bpd right people's
codependency and then there's a lot of people with bpd well yeah they want to come back they want to
come back a lot of exes and codependents want to go back and so a lot of people are in that
no man's eye in limbo like i said and are you one of them and do you know that are you aware of that
or you just feeling one way and thinking another way and you're not sure but if you haven't gone
full no contact yet and ask yourself why today and realize that that's probably the first sign
that you're not finished that you're in a slippery slope risky place of getting hoovered back
or reverse hoovering coming back together with the x to go around the same cycle again
trust me on that one because they need therapy and so do people with codependency and you need
to heal each of you in your own ways and if you're going to cycle back around you're being hoovered
you're you've left an avenue open to be hoovered and another thing i just want to say too is and
and i and i hear this a lot from clients and people and you know the comments and
live streams well you know but they keep emailing me well you know you can change your email and you
can set aside an email for a while if you don't want to get rid of it you can change your email
because you know i've been talking to some clients in recent past and i won't say when but who
yeah it's come down to that's how they're still being hoovered but you can block that too you
can change that no blocking and having it go to your spam folder isn't effective because you're
still getting contacted and then people have to sit there and like can you hit the delete button
or do you read the message but there's another way around that it's called get a new account because
so many people bp are going to keep changing their email you block it to send it to the
filter whatever and then they're still going to be emailing you so you see sometimes you
have to do more and take more responsibility but you need to get no contact and stay no contact
or you're not going to move forward in your healing and recovery that that's the case
for most people so if you if you like to comment are wondering when does the borderline ever stop
hovering because it's been six months eight months a year two years three years some people are
getting hoovers intermittently after like four or five years but because there's an avenue open and
and not everybody that has avenues or an avenue open to be hoovered is as stuck in that limbo
place as many people are so you have to ask yourself that question today are you
still in that limbo place are you still really susceptible and the answer for lots of people
new to this or just like it hasn't been that long it's been months or or even under a year yeah you
might have a lot of feelings still that you're in that limbo place with the feelings but you
but many people also know that they're not gonna go back that the feelings are you know harder to
resolve and take longer but there's a lot of people who are in that risky no man's land up
they're just like an inch away from acting on their feelings and when i'm working with clients
i've had clients over the years that absolutely this comes up in the process some people contact
me just to get help on how to get back with the ex and yeah i'm out here to help you with that
too why well it might seem counterintuitive it might seem unethical but it's not
if that's some people have to do what they have to do to learn the lessons they need to learn
and it's not going to work out okay in the vast majority like 99.9 of cases but i will
help people get there if that's what they need to do to experience it again to be able to then
get moving forward and but the thing is so if you can't go full no contact and i resonate with you
then book a session with me and let's talk about it let's help you strategize let's get to the
bottom of where you really are emotionally and are you really in this high risk to go back category
high risk to keep a recycling category or not but not going full no contact and wondering why
you know the bpd hoovers aren't stopping is you know hey you know got some responsibility there
and i just wanted to say that this happens with both males of bpd and females of
bpd that these hoovers can be sort of like rather in a smaller percentage of people bpd
endless if you allow them to be remember that part you have responsibility in this for the
choices you make and if you shut them down or not in terms of hoover ability and so aside from that
um and then there are people with bp that don't hoover at all okay so my people are conflicted
people are in cognitive dissonance people are still uh pining for the person with bpd people
are in the unhealthy bonded you know bondedness and nature of that people are um struggling with
withdrawal from people with bpd in many different ways and that is the chemical soup factor
and sometimes it's got more to do with a certain aspect and more predominantly for men but what and
no judgment you know but if you want to know when the bpd's ever gonna stop hovering you
there's a good chance that you you've left an avenue open or more
and that party wants the ubers party might be really legitimately distressed by them
but another party wants them and that's at limbo no man's land slippery slope to danger
and to certainly not being able to get on the road to healing and recovery
so if if you can relate to what the commenter said the first thing you have to look at is what
are you really doing and are you in that limbo no man's land where you could go either way
and you're not really sure what you want yet and that's a slippery slope because because if
you go around again you're only going to get hurt and spit out again and you're going to be back at
ground zero of where you might be sitting right now so are you full no contact and if you're not
what does that mean for you be brutally honest with yourself and look at that because it likely
means you still want them back and you're not done so hope that was helpful take care