-Thank you very much. Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, everyone, it is the holiday season.
Christmas is almost here,
and people are already returning gifts.
[ Laughter ]
In fact, last night, Colorado returned Donald Trump.
-Really? [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Yep. Everyone's talking about this.
The Colorado Supreme Court just ruled that
former President Trump is disqualified
from being president again, and they banned him
from the state's 2024 primary ballot.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You got to give it up for Colorado.
They're the first state to legalize weed
and illegalize Trump.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, they banned him from the ballot.
If Trump ends up winning in 2024,
don't be surprised if Colorado suddenly becomes East Utah.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Colorado decided that Trump
is disqualified from being president
because his role in the January 6th attack
violated the U.S. Constitution's insurrection clause.
Yep. Before last night, Trump thought
the insurrection clause was one of those
Tim Allen movies on Disney+.
[ Laughter ]
The insurrection clause is in the 14th Amendment,
which was ratified in 1868.
Right now, President Biden is like, "I supported it then,
and I support it now."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, Trump called the decision "a shame for our country
and a sad day in America."
Yeah, which is the same thing he said
when McDonald's discontinued the McRib.
[ Laughter ]
But Trump has already vowed to appeal the decision
with the U.S. Supreme Court
so that he can remain on the ballot.
And, of course, the justices are already being asked
about the case. Here's what they said.
First up, Chief Justice John Roberts said...
Then Justice Elena Kagan said...
Then Justice Clarence Thomas said...
[ Laughter ]
Then Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson said...
And Justice Clarence Thomas said...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then Justice Neil Gorsuch said...
Then finally, Justice Clarence Thomas said...
[ Hip-hop ringtone plays ]
"Yello. Clarence speaking."
Guys, listen to this. After the Colorado ruling
was announced, Trump's four Republican rivals, Nikki Haley,
Ron DeSantis, Chris Christie, and Vivek Ramaswamy
all made statements criticizing the decision.
All of them were like, "Oh, no. We can't believe this happened.
What a terrible -- terrible, terrible news.
Oh, my goodness." [ Laughter ]
Vivek Ramaswamy even pledged to withdraw
from the Colorado ballot in solidarity.
[ Laughter ]
That's like Mitch McConnell recusing himself
from being named Sexiest Man Alive.
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
That's right. It's possible that Trump
won't be allowed to have his name on the ballot in Colorado,
which might explain this ad I just saw last night.
-Hey, Colorado, Donald Trump is no longer on the ballot,
but you could still vote for a proven winner,
a glorious leader with a very large a-brain.
His name -- Dernald Turmp.
Dernald has never been impeached,
indicted, or incited an insurrection.
Dernald loves his children Derek, Ivoinky, and Dernald 2.
And Dernald does not hide classified documents
at his Florida mansion, Merp-A-Lergo.
So, vote Dernald Turmp, and he will
make the United States goodest as it once was.
I'm Dernald Turmp, and I approve this message.
-Yeah, I didn't know about Ivoinky.
[ Laughter ]
-Dernald Turmp? -Dernald, yeah.
-Irma Jer. -Ivoinky and Dernald 2.
[ Laughter ]
Well, switching gears, I saw that officials in California
just voted to allow wastewater from toilets
to be purified into drinking water.
[ Audience groans ]
It's gonna be weird when you go to a restaurant
and the waiter's like, "Sparkling, still, or toilet?"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, purified toilet water.
They even have a good name for it -- Dasani.
[ Laughter ]
No, come on. That's a joke.
It's just jokes. They're all jokes.
That's not -- That's not the real name for it.
-That's a joke, that's a joke.
-You guys see this? "Bluey" just passed "Suits"
to become the most streamed show on TV.
-Ooh. -Yeah. That makes sense.
My kids got tired of watching "Suits" months ago.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, believe it or not,
even though we're not at Christmas yet,
New York is already gearing up for New Year's.
-Ooh. -Yeah, New Year's Eve.
There are a lot of specials broadcast from New York City.
ABC is going to air "Dick Clark's New Year's
Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest,"
and CNN will air "New Year's Eve Live"
with Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen.
And if you're looking for other options,
Discovery Channel will air
"New Year's Eve: Naked and Afraid Ball Drop."
[ Laughter ]
That'll be fun. That'll be fun.
-Come on. Yeah.
[ Applause ]
-Fox News -- Fox News will air "New Year's Eve: Or Is It?"
[ Laughter ]
ESPN2 will be counting down
"The Best Cornhole Comebacks of 2023."
[ Laughter ] That'll be interesting to watch.
And finally, Netflix will air "Squid Game:
Finding a Functioning Port-A-Potty in Times Square."
That's gonna be good.
[ Applause ]
Well, get this. There's a woman
who's gone live on TikTok
more than a dozen times to re-create the entire
3 1/2 hour Eras Tour show in her apartment.
[ Laughter ]
3 1/2 hour concert in her apartment.
Let's just say she and her downstairs neighbor
have very bad blood. [ Laughter ]
And finally, guys, we've seen a lot of
Christmas songs on the charts this season,
but the one everyone is talking about right now
is a song from the '80s called "Get a Gift Card."
Yeah, and we found the music video for it.
-Really? -Yeah. Please enjoy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-♪ Merry Christmas, baby ♪
♪ Love you with my whole heart ♪
♪♪
♪ But I couldn't think of what to get you ♪
♪ So I got you a gift card ♪
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ There's nothing under the Christmas tree ♪
♪ But there's $25 to Applebee's ♪
♪ No chains of silver or rings of gold ♪
♪ Just $35 you can only use it Kohl's ♪
♪ If you can't make a decision ♪
♪ On a present for a loved one ♪
♪ If you don't want to think too hard ♪
♪ This Christmas, get a gift card ♪
♪ Get a gift card for your husband ♪
♪ Or your wifey or your cousin ♪
♪ Get a gift card, get a gift card ♪
♪ Get a gift card ♪
♪ Here's a gift card to GameStop ♪
-♪ That wasn't my Christmas wish ♪
-♪ Here's one to the Bass Pro Shop ♪
-♪ But I don't even fish ♪
-♪ If holiday shopping gives you the willies ♪
♪ You can just get a gift card to Chili's ♪
♪ If you want to avoid the entire thing ♪
♪ Here's one from Buffalo Wild Wings ♪
♪ Starbucks, Best Buy, Home Depot ♪
♪ There's something that you need to know ♪
♪ You cannot do anything with it ♪
♪ Till you scratch off those 16 digits ♪
♪ If you can't make a decision ♪
♪ On a present for a loved one ♪
♪ If you don't wanna think too hard ♪
♪ This Christmas, get a gift card ♪
♪ Get a gift card for your mother ♪
♪ Or your nephew or your brother ♪
♪ Get a gift card, get a gift card ♪
Now put it in your wallet and forget about it forever.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I love them. Whatever happened to those guys?
[ Applause ]
Guys, we have exactly three shows left
before we go on Christmas break, which means
it's time for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."
Here we go.
-♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters ♪
♪ Three days left ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's right. Every show between now and Christmas,
we'll be giving one lucky audience member
an outrageous Christmas sweater.
from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.
[ Cheers and applause ] Outrageous!
Since there are three shows left,
let's open door number 3.
Where have we got here? Oh, my goodness.
Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Ooh. Oh, boy.
[ Cheers and applause continues ]
This is nice.
Can we dim the lights a little bit there?
Oh, yeah. This is good.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Very nice.
All right, now let's see who's going home
with tonight's sweater.
Everyone look at your seat number.
If I call your number, I need you to jump up
and let me know where you are.
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
[ Drumroll ]
Who wants me to pick their number?
This is a good one.
[ Cheers and applause ]
136!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Hi!
How you doing? -Good. How are you?
-I'm doing great. What is your name?
-I'm Ariana Corey. -Where are you from, Ariana?
-Corpus Christi, Texas. -Oh, yeah!
Now, you look very cozy, and you look great.
I love your jacket.
Does it get a little chilly there in Corpus Christi?
-No. It's hot. -Yeah, but sometimes...
Sometimes when, like, the air-conditioning
is cranked up in the house... -Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought so.
That's why we have this right here.
Do you have anything like this at home?
-No, I don't think so.
[ Laughter ]
-Would you like to try it on right now for everybody?
-Sure!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Here you go. -Wait. Is it backwards?
-There's -- There's no right way or wrong way to put it on.
You can... [ Laughter ]
It's kind of reversible. Yep.
There are sleeves.
Oh, yeah. This is good.
You don't wear sweaters in Texas at all?
-No. -No, this is interesting.
♪♪
Oh, yeah. All right, there you go.
Oh, this is good.
I have a good feeling about this.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Are you kidding me?
This is phenomenal. Look at this.
Is that phenomenal? You look great!
-I love it! -Thank you so much.
-Thank you! -Thanks for being here!
Happy holidays.
Thank you so much. Appreciate it.
Looks great.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You guys know what?
I'm in the giving spirit. You know what?
Why does -- why does just one person get a gift?
Why can't everyone in the audience get a gift?
[ Cheers and applause ] That's right!
Its time for "Tonight Show Stocking Stuffers!"
♪♪
-♪ I wanna be your late-night stocking stuffer ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Every night until Christmas break,
we're giving away an awesome gift
to every single person in our studio audience.
You guys want to see what you're taking home?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Questlove, drumroll, please.
[ Drumroll ]
Tonight's stocking stuffer is...
[ Drumroll ]
The JBL Tour Pro 2 wireless earbuds.
-Oh, that's right, Jimmy.
With JBL Tour Pro 2 wireless earbuds,
smart true wireless meets seamless sound experience.
The JBL Tour Pro 2 true adaptive noise-canceling technology
tunes out distractions so you can enjoy your favorite audio
or even the sound of silence.
And the six-mic technology ensures superior call quality
in any conditions.
Immerse yourself in spatial audio
for up to 40 hours on a single charge.
♪ Jimmy ♪
-Ooh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's what I'm talking about.
Thank you, JBL! Stick around!
We'll be right back with Jon Hamm, everybody!
Whoa!