>> Stephen: WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH.
I GOTTA SAY.
IT'S NIGHT THREE OF THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION,
AND ONCE AGAIN, WE ARE LIVE!
ALL THIS WEEK, WE'RE BRINGING YOU EVERY ZOOMTASTIC MOMENT, IN
A FOUR-NIGHT MEGAEVENT WE'RE CALLING:
>> DEMOCRATS ASSEMBLE.
ARE YOU FIRED UP?
>> AND SO WE FIGHT.
>> IT IS WHAT IT IS.
>> I AM KAISIC
>> Stephen: EVERY NIGHT OF TH >> Stephen: EVERY NIGHT OF THE
D.N.C. HAS A THEME.
MONDAY WAS "WE THE PEOPLE," TUESDAY WAS "LEADERSHIP
MATTERS," AND TONIGHT WAS "A MORE PERFECT UNION."
OR AS TRUMP CALLS IT: "FOURTH TIME'S THE CHARM?"
OF COURSE, THIS WEEK MARKS 100 YEARS SINCE WOMEN GAINED THE
RIGHT TO VOTE, AND TONIGHT THERE WAS A POWERHOUSE LINEUP OF
SPEAKERS INCLUDING NANCY PELOSI, ELIZABETH WARREN
HILLARY CLINTON, AND KAMALA HARRIS.
IT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH FOR THE REPUBLICANS TO MATCH THAT.
ALL THEY'VE GOT ARE IVANKA, BETSY DEVOS, AND A DISTURBING
SCULPTURE ERIC TRUMP CALLS "LADY DAD."
SHE LOVES IT.
THE EVENING KICKED OFF WITH WISCONSIN GOVERNOR TONY EVERS,
WHO HAD A VERY BIDENESQUE CALL TO ACTION:
>> HOLY MACKEREL, FOLKS.
LET'S GET TO WORK.
>> Stephen: WHAT A PLEASANT BATTLE CRY.
"GEE, GOLLY, GOSH.
SLAP ME WITH A SALMON AND STICK TROUSER IN MY TROWTS.
TIME TO GET THIS FISH ON THE ROAD!"
OPENING REMARKS WERE DELIVERED BY VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE
KAMALA HARRIS, WHO WAS SO RARIN' TO GO, SHE SPOKE FROM THE
TRUCK THEY SHIP NEW VICE PRESIDENTS IN.
>> EACH OF US NEEDS A PLAN, A VOTING PLAN.
>> Stephen: YES. FOR EXAMPLE, I PLAN ON VOTING, THEN CRACKING
OPEN A FIFTH OF MOUNT GAY AND BLACKING OUT UNTIL THE VOTES ARE
ALL COUNTED.
OF COURSE, THIS WAS JUST A PREVIEW FOR HER SPEECH AT THE
END OF THE NIGHT.
>> I'll SEE YOU A LITTLE LATER TONIGHT, AND UNTIL THEN...
"I'LL BE UNLOADING THESE CRATES.
JOE'S IN ONE OF THEM.
MARCO!" MARCO!"
THE NIGHT WAS HOSTED BY ACTRESS KERRY WASHINGTON DRESSED IN A
STRIKING PINSTRIPE SUIT THAT YOU USUALLY ONLY WEAR IF YOU'RE
PLANNING ON KILLING THE BATMAN.
>> TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT WHERE WE ARE AND WHERE
WE'RE GOING.
>> Stephen: UH, KERRY, WE'RE IN A PANDEMIC.
TH ANSWER TO BOTH OF THOSE IS "THE COUCH."
THEN WE HEARD FROM MICHELLE LUJAN GRISHAM WHO IS THE
GOVERNOR OF: >> NUEVO, MEXICO.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER MEXICO?
CAN WE GET THEM TO PAY FOR THE WALL?
I ONLY GOT A WEEK."
THE EVENING THEN TURNED TO THE OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE OF GLOBAL
WARMING: >> MAYBE YOU'VE READ SOME OF THE
MILLIONS OF PAGES OF SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE ON CLIMATE CHANGE.
>> Stephen: I MEAN, IT'S DEFINITELY ON MY LIST.
BUT I'LL STILL MAKING MY WAY THROUGH THE NEW "HUNGER GAMES."
BUT IT'S DEFINITELY ON THE LIST.
WE EVEN GOT THIS SOUNDBITE FROM JOE BIDEN HIMSELF.
>> WHEN I THINK ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, THE WORD I THINK OF IS
"JOBS."
>> Stephen: REALLY, BECAUSE THE WORD I THINK OF IS
AAARRGGHH!
THEN, WE SAW A VERY COOL VIDEO ABOUT AMERICA AS A COUNTRY OF
IMMIGRANTS.
>> LIFE IN AMERICA WAS NOT ALWAYS EASY.
THERE WAS DISCRIMINATION AND HARDSHIP AND POVERTY.
>> Stephen: AND THAT'S JUST THE PAST FOUR YEARS.
HILLARY CLINTON WAS UP NEXT.
SHE TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO REFLECT ON EVERYTHING THAT HAS
HAPPENED SINCE SHE UP WITH THE POPULAR VOTE.
>> FOR FOUR YEARS, PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME, "I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW
DANGEROUS HE WAS.
I WISH I COULD DO IT ALL OVER."
OR WORST, "I SHOULD HAVE VOTED."
>> Stephen: "AND FOR FOUR YEARS I'VE DONE EVERYTHING IN MY
POWER TO NOT PUNCH THOSE PEOPLE IN THE FACE."
HILL RYE LET AMERICA KNOW SHE FEELS YOUR PAIN.
>> THERE IS A LOT OF HEARTACHE IN AMERICA.
AND THE TRUTH IS MANY THINGS WERE BROKEN BEFORE THE PANDEMIC.
>> Stephen: FOR INSTANCE, THE BROKEN HORSE FEMUR I SENT IN THE
JAIL TO JAMES COMBY STILL WAITING TO HEAR, "DID YOU GET MY
MESSAGE, JIM SM UPON SHE HOPED TRUMP WOULD DO WELL.
>> THE MORNING AFTER THE LAST ELECTION, I SAID WE OWE DONALD
TRUMP AN OPEN MIND AND THE CHANCE TO LEAD.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S NICE.
BUT REMEMBER SHE ALSO SAID, "WE HAVE TO POKE MAN-GO TO THE
POLLS."
SO MAYBE DON'T TRUST EVERYTHING SHE SAID.
THEN CLINTON PUT OUR COLLECTIVE YEARNING INTO WORDS.
>> I WISH DONALD TRUMP KNEW HOW TO BE A PRESIDENT, BECAUSE
AMERICA NEEDS A PRESIDENT RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: "CAN ANY OF YOU THINK OF ONE?
I CAN.
HERE'S A HINT: SHE'S GOT TWO THUMBS AND BITES THEM TO KEEP
FROM CONSTANTLY SCREAMING."
THEN WE HEARD FROM SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, NANCY PELOSI, WHO
GAVE A POWERFUL SPEECH.
BUT THE THING EVERYONE IS REALLY TALKING ABOUT TONIGHT IS THIS
MOMENT FROM PELOSI'S INTRODUCTORY VIDEO.
>> IF YOU WANT TO GO INTO THE ARENA, YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED
TO TAKE A PUNCH.
YOU ALSO HAVE TO BE PREPARED TO THROW A A PUNCH FOR THE CHILDRE.
>> THE PUNCH FOR THE CHILDREN!
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, I WAS ON THE REEL.
I GOT MORE AIR TIME THAN A.O.C.
I'M PART OF AMERICAN HISTORY BECAUSE I SPOKE TO NANCY PELOSI,
AND BECAUSE I USED TO BE ALLOWED TO SIT WITHIN THREE FEET OF
SENIOR CITIZENS.
WELL, WOW.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.
I DID NOT EXPECT IT.
I GET IT, BUT I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.
IT'S SUCH AN HONOR-- YES, I ACCEPT YOUR NOMINATION.
THANK YOU.
AND I'M BEING TOLD I AM MISREADING THE MOMENT.
MY APOLOGIES.
WHERE WERE WE?
THEN, KERRY WASHINGTON WAS BACK TO SET THE SCENE.
>> IN ORDER TO GET TO THAT MORE PERFECT UNION, WE HAVE TO
ACKNOWLEDGE WHERE WE ARE.
>> Stephen: AGAIN, THE COUCH.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I NEED TO TELL YOU THAT.
FRIEND OF THE SHOW ELIZABETH WARREN SPOKE ABOUT CHILD CARE.
>> I'M HERE AT THE EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION CENTER IN
SPRINGFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS, WHICH HAS BEEN CLOSED FOR
MONTHS.
>> Stephen: "BREAKING IN WASN'T EASY, BUT I HAD A PLAN,
AND A CROW BAR."
WARREN LEFT A SECRET MESSAGE IN HER SET.
THE BLOCKS BEHIND HIR SAID, "B.L.M..
THAT'S REALLY NICE.
SOMEWHERE A VERY CONFUSED WORKER AT THE BUREAU OF LAND MANAGEMENT
IS FEELING PRETTY GOOD RIGHT NOW.
SUDDENLY, HE APPEARED, FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOSH!
HE'S REALLY THERE!
IT'S EVERYTHING I MISSED!
OBAMA!
THE CONSTITUTION!
A PRESIDENT!
HAIR CUT!
HE'S LOOKS SO FRESH!
THE CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLAR OBAMA CAME STRAIGHT OUT.
>> EMBEDDED IN THIS DOCUMENT WAS A NORTH STAR.
>> Stephen: AND A TREASURE MAP, WRITTEN ON THE BACK IN
SECRET CODE.
IT WAS UP TO NICOLAS CAGE TO FIND IT.
OBAMA SAID HE REALLY THOUGHT BACK IN 2016 THINGS MIGHT GO
BETTER.
>> I DID HOPE, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR COUNTRY, THAT DONALD TRUMP
MIGHT SHOW SOME INTEREST IN TAKING THE JOB SERIOUSLY.
>> Stephen: LOOK, SIR, I KNOW YOU'RE THE GUY WHO COINED THE
"HOPE" SLOGAN, BUT EVEN YOUR POSTER DOESN'T BUY THAT.
OBAMA REITERATED THE FUNDAMENTAL BASICS OF THE JOB.
>> WE SHOULD EXPECT THAT REGARDLESS OF EGO, AMBITION, OR
POLITICAL BELIEFS, THE PRESIDENT WILL PRESERVE, PROTECT, AND
DEFEND THE FREEDOMS AND IDEALS THAT SO MANY AMERICANS MARCHED
FOR, WENT TO JAIL FOR.
>> Stephen: "AND TO ALL THOSE WHO WERE JAILED FIGHTING FOR THE
THINGS I HOLD DEAR, GHISLAINE MAXWELL, I WISH YOU WELL."
NOW, REMEMBER "NO DRAMA OBAMA?" NOW HE'S "TRASH TALK BARACK."
>> FOR CLOSE TO FOUR YEARS NOW HE HAS SHOWN NO INTEREST IN
PUTTING IN THE WORK.
NO INTEREST IN FINDING COMMON GROUND.
DONALD TRUMP HASN'T GROWN INTO THE JOB BECAUSE HE CAN'T.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
THE MAN HASN'T GROWN SINCE HE WAS A TODDLER.
HE'S THE ONLY PRESIDENT WHO STILL NEEDS A SIPE CUP.
HE OBAMAED-ON.
>> NO INTEREST IN TREATING THE PRESIDENCY AS ANYTHING BUT ONE
MORE REALITY SHOW THAT HE CAN USE TO GET THE ATTENTION HE
CRAVES.
>> Stephen: "WELL, I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.
AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, BARACK, THAT SORT OF ATTITUDE IS WHY I'M
NOT PICKING YOU TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME IN THE WHITE HOUSE
FANTASY SWEEP.
YOU'RE HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS."
OBAMA THEN TURNED TO HIS VICE PRESIDENT.
>> LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY FRIEND JOE BIDEN.
>> Stephen: I TOLD YOU WE WERE BEST FRIENDS.
BARACK AND I ARE CLOSER THAN TWO SCOOPS IN A CONE EXCEPT I'M
MELTING A LOT FASTER.
COME ON, JACK!
HIT ME WITH SOME SPRINKLES.
JUST SOME INSULATION."
OBAMA PEELED BACK THE CURTAIN ON TRUMP'S MORAL BANKRUPTCY.
>> HERE'S THE POINT: THIS PRESIDENT AND THOSE IN POWER,
THOSE WHO BENEFIT FROM KEEPING THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE, THEY
ARE COUNTING ON YOUR CYNICISM.
>> Stephen: "JOKE'S ON YOU, BARACK.
I CAN'T COUNT, ONE, PERSON, MAN, WOMAN, FIVE."
OBAMA HAD A STRONG WARNING FOR VOTERS.
>> DO NOT LET THEM TAKE AWAY YOUR POWER.
DO NOT LET THEM TAKE AWAY YOUR DEMOCRACY.
>> Stephen: DO NOT LET THEM TAKE AWAY YOUR MAILBOXES.
MAYBE PUT SOME OLIVE OIL THEM, OR SOME KY JELLY, SOMETHING
SLIPPERY, SO THEY'RE TOO HARD TO PICK UP.
THEN OBAMA REMINDED US WHO HAS THE POWER TO FIX OUR COUNTRY.
>> YOU CAN GIVE OUR DEMOCRACY NEW MEANING.
YOU CAN TAKE IT TO A BETTER PLACE.
>> Stephen: SO NEW ZEALAND?
THEN WE SPONGED OFF OUR TEARS.
AND IT WAS TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT, THE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR
THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION BY CALIFORNIA SENATOR KAMALA
HARRIS, SEEN HERE REALLY ENJOYING AN OFF-CAMERA PUPPET
SHOW.
HARRIS GAVE A RIVETTED SPEECH IN FRONT OF A LONG LINE OF, I'M
GOING TO GUESS FLAGS TRUMP HAD GROPED.
THE V.P. NOM STARTED HER SPEECH WITH LESSONS SHE LEARNED FROM
HER MOTHER.
>> I DO SO COMMITTED TO THE VALUES SHE TAUGHT ME, TO THE
WORD THAT TEACHES ME TO WALK BY FAITH AND NOT BY SIGHT.
>> Stephen: AS LONG AS YOU CAN WALK DOWN A RAMP, I DON'T CARE
HOW YOU DO IT.
SHE ALSO SHARED HER VISION FOR THE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY.
>> A VISION OF OUR NATION AS A BELOVED COMMUNITY, WHERE ALL ARE
WELCOME, NO MATTER WHAT WE LOOK LIKE, NO MATTER WHERE WE COME
FROM, OR WHO WE LOVE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
IN AMERICA, WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE FAMILY.
AND THAT'S WHY I'M ALSO VOTE, FOR UNLIMITED BRED STICKS, 2020.
SHE ALSO DEVELOPED THE EFFECT TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY HAS HAD ON
THE AMERICAN PSYCHE.
>> THE CONSTANT CHAOS LEAVES US ADRIFT.
THE INCOMPETENCE MAKES US FEEL AFRAID.
THE CALLOUSNESS MAKES US FEEL ALONE.
>> Stephen: "OKAY, WHO GAVE HER OUR CAMPAIGN STRATEGY?"
KAMALA ENDED HER SPEECH BY CALLING ON ALL OF US TO THINK OF
FUTURE GENERATIONS.
>> YEARS FROM NOW, THIS MOMENT WILL HAVE PASSED, AND OUR
CHILDREN AND OUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL LOOK IN OUR EYES, AND
THEY'RE GOING TO ASK US, "WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE STAKES WERE SO
HIGH?" >> Stephen: AGAIN, THE COUCH.
BUT, HONESTLY, AFTER TONIGHT, ON THE EDGE OF IT.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU FOLKS TONIGHT.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I SHOW YOU LIVING PROOF OF WHY WE
REALLY DO NEED A NEW PRESIDENT.
STICK AROUND.