In this video, we're going to be getting into five behaviors your ex loves. But first,
my name is Clay with modernlove.life. We help you get the great, loving relationship you're
looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard to get and without
having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not. Because, you deserve to be
loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person that you are. And if you agree with me,
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So, the first thing that your ex loves is listening. Listening not just to take in what
they're going to say, but to actually understand what they're experiencing and to understand
where they're coming from emotionally when it comes to this whole business of their breakup,
this whole business of what they're going through, this whole business of everything that's happened
between you and them. So often people don't really listen with the intention of understanding. They
listen with the intention of responding or with the intention of getting their own agenda in
there, or with the intention of just getting an opportunity to say something next. Or, maybe they
don't actually want to understand they just want to listen because they think that you just need to
spend out your emotional energy or something. And then finally once they're quiet, then you can kind
of go in and say your sort of thing. And, listening to understand is a
very critical part of this whole process. And in my experience helping people with breakups,
a lot of people that I've coached don't really listen for the sake of understanding. And, I
get it. It's a little bit of a different situation when you're talking with someone like me. You have
this relationship problem. You want to make sure you get in all the information and all of that.
But, even still, when I tell someone, hey, this is what I think is happening in your situation
they're not really listening to understand. They're oftentimes saying, well, what about
this? Or what about that? Or what about this other thing? Well, what about this
other thing? What about this thing that happened on Facebook? What should I do if that happens?
And, they're kind of missing the point of the whole process, which is, okay, if we are going
to get back together, you and your ex, there's going to need to be certain things that have to
happen to fall in place. And yeah, to a certain degree, sending the right text message or saying
the right thing or whatever can be an important factor. But if that's just kind of papered on
over maybe not understanding, not listening, not really getting where they're coming from,
you're not going to be able to get very far. You might be able to limp from one step to the next,
but you're not going to be able to get much further than that if it's just built off
of not truly understanding where your ex is at. So, if you can really just set your own agenda
aside, we'll get more to that in a little bit, and just actually listen to them and just try to
take in where they're at emotionally, take in how they're feeling, not to prove them wrong,
not to try to change their mind, not to get in your own agenda or anything like that, but just to
understand where they're coming from. It doesn't mean you have to agree with it. It doesn't mean
that, okay, if you say that I'm a jerk, then I must be a jerk. That's not what I'm saying.
But if you can just understand that from where they're coming from, hypothetically, that they
believe that you're a jerk. And, if you can just say, wow, I totally understand
why you would say something like that if you thought that way. At the same time,
here's what was causing me to say those things back then or whatever. But if it starts with
the foundation of listening to understand, there's going to be so much more opportunity to
open the doors of connection further down the road. And of course, you don't have to agree with
it and you can offer your side of things. But, first they're going to be much more
receptive to that if they feel understood first and foremost. The second thing that your ex loves,
of course, builds off of that which is empathy. Now, empathy is this sort of shared emotional
experience that we have where you can put yourself in someone's shoes, and imagine what their
experience must have been whenever they were going through whatever it was they were going through.
And if you can imagine how they're feeling, not just taking in the words, not just taking
the facts, not just taking in, well, why won't you just re-add me as a friend on Facebook or
something like that. But if you can actually put yourself in their position and understand, wow,
sounds like you're really upset with all of this. It sounds like you took that one time when I did
one thing and said the other thing. You took it a lot more personally than I was expecting
that you would, or whatever the case may be. And, if you can start to put yourself in their
shoes and see the world from their place, it'll help you to really get where they're coming
from. So, really these two things kind of build off one another, these first two things anyway.
And the empathy, it is going to help to kind of disarm them because the more they feel seen and
the more they feel heard is going to allow them to open up the opportunity to listen to you and to
entertain the idea that maybe you're not this terrible, evil, sinister person that
they needed to break up with. But, first you have to really show them that you do care,
that you are willing to listen to them, and you are willing to consider their point of view. And,
that's really going to be really beneficial. If you're looking at this from the whole triangle
of commitment side of things, you're bringing them onto the same side as you, and you're showing them
that the two of you can be on the same side. And when that happens, their armor towards you
goes down and they actually start to not be so defensive against you. And, they actually
start to see you as more of a collaborator and less of an opponent. But anyway, onto the third
thing that your ex loves and that is being present. When you are being present with them,
you're not caught up in these stories in your mind about, oh my goodness, are you still attracted to
me? What does your body language say? I noticed you were holding your hand in this way somehow.
I don't know. And, I read in a body language book that that means that you're closed off.
But, then you licked your lips or something and I read in a body language book that that
means you're attracted to me or whatever. Of course, body language can be an important
thing. But, if you're checked out of the present moment because you're too busy analyzing and
scanning them, trying to see how it fits into something that you read or whether or
not they're like, which one of you is the alpha in the situation, which one of you has the dominant
position on the negotiating side of things? Which one of you is doing this or that? Or,
is my window of opportunity closed because it's been this amount of time or something like that?
These are things that pull you out of the present moment. Other things that pull you
out of the present moment are things like the little things that we all keep score over, like,
oh, it's been four days since I sent you that text message and you haven't responded yet.
Therefore, I'm going to hold a grudge against you. These are little ways that we kind of distract
ourselves. We focus on things that aren't ultimately important, like the text message,
like the way that they said this, the cryptic thing that they said, right? If you just look at
the big picture, take a step back from the minute details and look at the big picture and say,
okay, where's the emotional connection? Are we getting closer? Are we getting further
apart? Are you warm towards me? Are you cold towards me? And if that is overall what you're
focusing in on, you're probably going to do a whole lot better than if you're kind
of like microanalyzing these little things. And so, don't get caught up on all of these
little things that you could potentially get caught up on like is no contact working? Is it
not working? I read somewhere on the internet, or I heard somewhere on some YouTube video that
it takes exactly 45 days for someone to hit the peak level of missing their ex,
and then psychology kicks in and then they come crawling over broken shards of glass to get
back together with you or something like that. I mean, can that happen? Maybe. I'm not here to
really debate that. But, if that kind of thought process is pulling you out of the present moment,
or if you're too busy worrying about the rebound or something like that, that you're being pulled
out of the present moment, then obviously you're going to have a much more difficult
time connecting with them. You're going to have a much more difficult time listening to understand,
empathizing with them and all of these other really important things that are very critical in
having a great connection with your ex or having a great relationship with anybody for that matter.
The fourth thing that your ex loves is when you are detached from any sort of agenda. Now I get
it. A lot of people who watch these videos want to get back together with their ex. They want
to save that relationship and make it work. And so, many times they have this agenda of,
okay, is whatever happened moving us closer to getting back together or further away from getting
back together? And, that is ultimately not going to serve you very well because it's pulling you
out of the present moment. Your agenda is coming through in your way of being. That is to say how
you're bringing yourself to your interactions with your ex is coming through that you have
an agenda. The way that you look a little bit disappointed when they say, oh, well, I can't get
together today because this thing came up, maybe we'll get together next week or something. Or,
the way that you seem to be really pushing for, I don't know, talking on the phone or something when
they just aren't able to do it for some reason. It's like, why are you so interested in and
obsessed about talking on the phone? Yeah. People like me say, okay, yeah,
talking on the phone is obviously better than texting, but if it's coming at the expense
of the emotional connection, and it's coming like you have this agenda of talking on the phone,
or making it seem like there's romantic tension between the two of you, or
making it seem like the rebound relationship isn't all that great or whatever the case may be.
Then, these little things are showing your hand that you are more attached to
an agenda or an outcome than you are to actually, again, being present with your ex connecting with
them, understanding with them, and actually just enjoying whatever is actually happening. Actually,
just enjoying the moment that's unfolding right here before you. Because, there's so many rich
opportunities to connect if you just let go of these agendas, these games, these scores that
we keep, all of these sorts of things. And, if we just are saying, okay, hey,
there's this person in front of me who's having an emotional experience. Yes. We
used to be in a relationship. Maybe we will be in a relationship. But right now,
I'm just going to be present with you and listen to you and connect with you right now.
And from that point of being, all sorts of curiosity can start to arise from that,
which allows the two of you to actually connect and allows the two of you to actually have a much
more beneficial relationship with one another, whatever form that may take.
But, you have to be willing to set aside your agenda and actually just get curious about the
person in front of you. And, that's how honestly a great emotional connection starts to arise.
And, the fifth thing that your ex truly loves... By the way, if you want to learn more about what
your ex is thinking before we get into this fifth thing, we do have our video playlist on what your
ex is thinking that goes into the whole thought process and all of that. It's right up there.
Feel free to check that out. Clicking on that info card and watching the playlist does help us out
with the algorithm as well, too, just so you know. I'm not going to go into the details of it, but it
does help us out with the algorithm. But yeah, transparency and not playing games is the fifth
thing that your ex loves, the fifth behavior that your ex truly loves. Now, why is this? Now,
oftentimes in breakups and really relationships or dating in general, we have this very strong
urge to play games to make it seem like we're something that we're not, to make it seem like
we're hard to get, to make it seem like we care a little bit less than we actually do,
to make it seem like we all have it put together, or that some imaginary person is longing for us
and that you have to commit right away otherwise they're going to get me or something like that.
And, then you're going to miss out. We all have these games that we feel inclined to play.
And the truth is, is that a lot of that comes from, well, it comes from two things. Number one,
it comes from other people out there that are telling you to play those games, but it also
comes primarily from our own insecurity. Our own insecurity that we're not good enough. It's not
okay to be us. It's not okay for me to want you. It's not okay for me to have concerns or fears or
doubts, or wonder where you're at. And, if you can start to own that insecurity and you can
start to feel at peace with it, it's not like you necessarily need to vocalize it. It might
help if you did, but it's not like you necessarily need to if you can start to look within and heal
where you're feeling insecure from the root. But, if you can start to work through that
rather than trying to manage the insecurity by either puffing yourself up and making it
seem like you're this great, wonderful person that maybe you don't feel genuinely. I mean,
it's fine if you genuinely are a great, wonderful person. I'm certain you are. But, you don't have
to fake it, not by any stretch. And, when you start to just own who you are, rather than
feel like you need to put on some sort of act or some sort of performance for this other person,
then that really comes across in a very positive way, because it demonstrates that what you see is
what you get. We don't have to see through these layers of performance art, these layers of BS,
these layers of acting, these layers of pretending that we're hard to get when really we're just
doom scrolling on the couch through Facebook or Instagram or something like that, just
waiting for something to happen. And, this of course is a behavior that your ex
loves. Because again, it does demonstrate that what you see is what you get. It makes it easy
for them to commit to you. It makes it easy for them to trust you. And, it makes it easy for them
to really see who you are and say, okay, I get it. When you say one thing, you're going to do
it. When you say one thing, you're going to mean it. And, it kind of clicks all these other things
into place. So, for example, you were listening to understand me because you just genuinely want
to understand me. It's not some game you're playing. It's not some sort of elaborate
gimmick that you learned on the internet to coerce me against my will into some relationship that I
don't want to be in or anything like that. And all of these things, the listening,
the empathy, the being present, the being detached from outcome, and the transparency and no mind
games. These are all really important things that really demonstrate to someone that, hey,
this is someone who's not messing around here. This is not someone who's playing games.
This is someone who is genuine, authentic, and serious about actually having a real, meaningful
connection. And if your ex is serious about having a real, meaningful connection themselves too,
then they're going to say, all right, this is probably someone that I might want to consider
being in a relationship with. And, that's really what the foundation of what we teach throughout
this whole channel is about. It's about being genuine, authentic, not playing games, not doing
all of that stuff that we've talked about already, and actually bringing yourself into this way of
being where you can just come across as the person that you are. And, these are incredibly attractive
things for your ex, assuming they're not in an emotionally unavailable state or playing their
own games or anything like that. But, that's a whole other topic for a whole other time.
And if this is something that you do want to learn, how to step into this way of being,
of being more present, being more empathetic, being more detached from outcome, being more
transparent, and being able to really connect with them on an emotional level, then we do have
a course called The Ex Solution Program. You can find that down in the description box below. If
it sounds like a good fit for you, you're more than welcome to sign up. But if it's not a good
fit for you, if the time's not right currently, that's totally okay. You can always change your
mind later. If that seems like it might make sense later on or whatever, but it's down there. Check
it out if you're curious. If now is the right time, feel free to sign up. If not, no worries.
But if you did like this video, please help a guy out with his channel. Hit that thumbs
up button. Just hit all the buttons down there. It helps us out somehow I'm sure.
But anyway, thanks so much for watching. If you do want to learn more about what your
ex is thinking through this whole process of breaking up with you and reconnecting with you,
please feel free to check out this video series over here. Or, you might want to check out this
video right here. But, thanks so much. Please take care, and I'll talk to you next time.