oh my god i have a lot to say about this
okay
um
let's uh
i'm gonna say something radical
there's no such thing as a waste of time
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for a lot of my life when i stopped
doing a hobby or a career or a
relationship ended i would kind of
lament that lost time why would i put so
much effort into a relationship that
ended and why would i put so much energy
into a career that i don't even want to
do anymore because i got bored i would
feel horrible because i'm like now i'm
older and like i'm no closer to being in
the right relationship i'm no closer to
being in the right career because i
wasted all this time right i didn't get
out of it what i was expecting to get
out of it which is if it was a career
this is what i'm gonna do for the rest
of my life or a relationship like this
who i'm gonna be with for the rest of my
life it's so easy to feel like well none
of it mattered all that energy i
invested into it all that effort i put
in didn't matter because it ended but
it's not true
because yeah you don't have that
relationship anymore you don't have that
job anymore but the things that you
learned the growth that you had out of
that relationship or in that job you
still have those things i
learned things from my friendships and
from my relationships i got things out
of all of them and i try to remind
myself of that because it's so easy to
be like well that was just a waste of
time there is so much value in
everything that we do sometimes i think
we don't see it because we have
something in mind that we want to get
out of it we get into a relationship
wanting for it to last forever or we get
into a job wanting a promotion or we get
into situations where we we think we
know what we want to get out of it and
if we don't get that thing out of it
then we failed
then it wasn't worth it
then
it didn't matter all the effort went to
waste but just because it's not the
thing that we were looking to get out of
it doesn't mean we didn't get anything
out of it i am deliberately living by
myself right now because i wanted to by
the end of the year before i start
writing a book and doing other things i
wanted to get the experience of like
enjoying living on my own and i had this
very specific idea in it where like okay
i'd move in and like a month later
everything would be put away and settled
and i'd just get like a few months of i
don't know what i was expecting i just
get a few months of like luxuriating and
being like i'm gonna watch tv whenever i
want and i'm gonna like i don't know
hang upside down on the couch i don't
know what i thought it was gonna be but
it was not gonna be what it actually was
it wasn't like oh yeah like i'm just
gonna have a glass of wine like cook
dinner by myself it was like frozen
pizzas is what it was i uh i remember
talking to my therapist about it and i
was like i didn't get what i wanted like
i didn't get the experience of living
alone i didn't get to have what i wanted
to have what i got was
realizing
i very much value having somebody in a
house with me i don't like living alone
i
didn't know that until i'd gotten to
experience it it's hard you have to do
everything by yourself and i don't know
why that didn't occur to me but like i
got to learn a lot about myself and i
got to become more competent and learn
how to do things that otherwise i
wouldn't have learned how to do on my
own and i think this is especially
relevant for people with adhd because we
often
go from one job to another we often end
careers we often
end up realizing that our friendships
aren't a good fit or those friendships
end up falling away and then there's
almost this hurt feeling of like well
why did i even invest in that then and
it would make me kind of go do i
actually want to invest in developing
another friendship then because i know
how this ends i know that they're going
to move away or we're going to grow a
part or whatever so like why even bother
but i came across an article one day
that talked about
the fact that we think of relationships
as these things that are supposed to be
permanent and forever and if they're not
then like
we did something wrong and that's not
really true that's not how relationships
work people come into our lives at a
time when we need them or they need us
and we can learn from each other and
grow together when we're kind of around
the same place so we're going through
things where we can help each other we
can be supportive to each other we can
be good friends to each other and
sometimes we grow in one direction and
they grow in another and it doesn't make
sense anymore that friendship doesn't
help us grow anymore or that friendship
doesn't meet our needs or their needs in
in a way anymore and that's natural that
happens and that's okay
the things that you learned in that
relationship and the things they gave
you and taught you those things don't go
away those are yours to keep forever one
of the really good examples of this is
there is a body world exhibit that was
on happiness and what makes people happy
and there was all this research and uh
information on the walls well it turns
out that people who get married are
happier you have this you know base
level of happiness and then before you
get married it starts to increase and
then you get married and then it starts
to decrease a little bit but what they
found is on average people were still
happier being married than before they
got married so even though it did take a
dip they were still happier but the
really interesting thing was when they
got divorced they had another peak of
happiness they were taking charge of
their lives and leaving this person that
wasn't actually a good fit for them and
so they were even happier so you would
think that okay well if you started out
not married and you ended up not married
what's the point like you didn't
actually accomplish anything and like
now you're you know you're upset because
you're divorced or whatever the point is
you're still happier you still gained
something from that experience even if
you didn't stay married and the reason i
bring this up on this channel is because
those of us with adhd often go through
several career changes lots of
relationships a couple divorces um we
lose things it's so easy to feel like
that was just a waste we might think
when we buy a thing or start a career or
start a hobby or start a relationship
that that thing is supposed to last
forever but the truth is more often than
not it doesn't especially if you have
adhd because you're gonna get bored
you're gonna lose the thing you're gonna
wanna change jobs you're gonna need a
need more of a challenge one of my
favorite quotes is you never touch
someone so lightly that you do not leave
a trace the value that you provide by
being a friend to somebody or by being
an employee of an organization or by
participating in a hobby with a friend
that value is there and you never know
like what kind of ripple effects it has
but it never means nothing so i'm
actually really curious to hear what
you've gotten out of past friendships or
relationships or jobs that you value
that you still find important to you let
me know in the comments below and
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[Music]
you