Let's move now to Washington, D.C.,
-something Melania Trump will never do. -(laughter)
You know, since Trump's inauguration,
here at
It's called "Who's the Real President?"
We sit around in the office, and we try and figure out
who's really running the country,
because you know it's not Trump, right?
We know it's not Trump, and like... I figured, I was like...
Let me show you the current standings
-of what we have here, all right? -(laughter)
So... so, as you can see, for week three,
we have a whole bunch of people.
Donald Trump's still stuck in number five spot,
uh, but there's been... there's been a lot of movement
in the top three, and that's what
we're gonna share with you today. A few move...
At number three, we have...
-Jarvanka... -(laughter)
Which is basically our celebrity couple name
for Jared Kushner and Ivanka, right?
It's also the name of an Ikea chair.
-A lot of people don't know that. -(laughter)
In the number two spot, we have...
-Oh, Fox News. Yes, yes. Yes. -(laughter)
-Or as Trump calls it, his daily briefings. -(laughter)
But the number one spot in this week's edition
of "Who's the Real President" goes to...
-(audience yelling suggestions) -(drum roll)
(applause and cheering)
-(booing) -Steve Bannon!
Yay! Steve Bannon!
Yay!
-Yes. -(laughter)
Donald Trump's chief strategist,
who is also the radical former editor of Breitbart,
and the subject of the bestselling autobiography,
If Eczema Were a Human:
-(laughter)
And, guys, can I be honest with you?
This tally wasn't even close.
Because in the past week, we've learned so much
about the power and influence that Bannon has
in the White House.
Where is he getting his ideas?
Where did the term "Muslim ban" come from?
How did the president decide the seven countries...
NEWSWOMAN:
President Trump's extreme vetting order,
that temporary ban on immigrants
from seven predominantly Muslim countries.
Wow. Oh, can we just take a second?
-What's going on in this photo? -(laughter)
It looks like Trump is a little girl learning to dance
by standing on her father's feet.
Like, what is...? I bet Melania looks at that picture and goes,
"I remember when you used to look at me like that, Donald."
(laughter)
But yes, yes, even though the Muslim ban
has Trump's name on it, once again it turns out
he didn't really build it himself.
It was Bannon's baby.
Which shouldn't surprise anyone.
It's in his name, people.
Ban-non.
Ban-on Muslims.
Open your eyes, people!
The clues are everywhere!
-(cheering, applause) -The whole name is a clue!
Ban-non. Ban-on Muslims!
What about his name Steve?
You can't pell... spell Steve without Eve.
Adam and Eve.
The Garden of
Eatin'.
Steve Bannon is gonna order takeout tonight.
-We have to stop him. -(laughter)
Maybe I got carried away.
But still, Ban-on. Ban-on.
Anyway... not only was Bannon behind the Muslim ban,
he's reportedly the person who told Immigration
to ban visa and green card holders as well.
Which, aside from being legally dubious,
is just a huge dick move.
You realize some of these people
have lived in America for decades.
This is their home.
Imagine leaving your home to visit your family,
and then when you get back, Steve Bannon won't let you in.
And you're there like, "But I live here!"
And Bannon's like, "Well, I say you don't.
-Also, I clogged your toilets." -(laughter)
But, you see, making immigration policy
wasn't enough power for Steve Bannon,
so he went ahead and gave himself more power on the DL.
White House chief strategist, Steve Bannon,
has been given a security clearance
usually held by generals,
as the result of an executive order
signed by President Trump...
NEWSMAN:
the contents of one of the executive orders
he was signing-- he didn't know that he was
putting Steve Bannon, giving him a permanent seat
on the National Security Council.
-(audience groans) -How is this real life?
This is insane. The president didn't know
what was in an executive order?
And also-- this is crazy-- Bannon slipped himself
onto the National Security Council.
He basically did it like a kid sneaks a candy bar
into his mom's shopping cart. Just, like, you know?
That's why everyone recognizes
that Steve Bannon is the real power behind the throne here.
Everyone realizes it, even the dishonest media.
President Trump's chief strategist appears on the cover
of this week's
"The Great Manipulator."
Oh. That's a... sort of a bittersweet milestone
for Steve Bannon-- I mean, on the one hand
he's on the cover of
On the other hand, he's on the cover with
-(laughter) -I mean, like, the face,
what's going on with the... like, the sk...
like, I mean, that's, like, a professional...
I'm not... it's just like the man looks like a satellite image
of a storm on Jupiter, like, it just...
You... Anyway...
By the way, what kind of shadowy manipulator
goes on the cover of a magazine to announce
that he's a shadowy manipulator?
Kind of blowing up your spot, isn't it? Yeah?
It's kind of like the Wizard of Oz posing
on a cover with the headline, "It's just some dude."
-(laughter) -Why would you do that?
Ego. Seriously, everyone is trying to figure out
whether Bannon or Trump is in charge.
Look at this
Again, it's just, it's astounding
that this soon into a new administration...
I don't know. I-I mean, maybe Bannon's calling all the shots.
Now, if that wasn't true,
then a certain cable news fan wouldn't have felt the need
less than an hour later to tweet...
"Largely based on an accumulation of data"?
Come on, man.
Trump and data have less of a relationship
than Trump and Tiffany. Come on.
-(audience groaning) -What are you, like... Come on.
Come on.
But Trump's defensiveness is telling.
It shows that even he realizes
he needs to prove he's in control.
And maybe someday he will be.
But for now, let's congratulate Steve Bannon.
As of this moment,
The American people didn't elect you,
but then again, they kind of didn't elect Trump, either.