Transcriber: Gülben Kara Reviewer: Zsófia Herczeg
I won a scholarship
from the District of Columbia Army National Guard
when I was a college student.
Scholarship came with a photo opportunity with the commanding general,
a big six foot by three foot check
mounted on a piece of cardboard,
and my parents were thrilled; I was thrilled.
I put that check into my 1972 Volkswagen bug
and drove across the District of Columbia
to George Washington University, where I was a student.
I took the check up to the cashier’s office
and tried to stick that check through the cashier’s cage.
The cashier had this strange look on her face,
and went and got her supervisor.
Supervisor came out and said, “Sir, I’m sorry, we can’t take that check.”
“What do you mean you can’t take that check?
I was just awarded the scholarship.”
She said, “Sir, you may want to call the organization that gave you the check.”
Before cell phones,
I leaned my six foot by three foot check up against the wall,
went into the office, called the education office of the D.C. National Guard.
Told them where I was, what had happened,
and then I heard silence on the other end of the phone for about 30 seconds.
Then I heard muffled laughter, crying, and he said,
“I apologize. I fell out of my chair laughing.
(Laughter)
The real check is sitting here in my desk.
Come by and pick it up some time.”
I looked at the cashier, looked at the supervisor,
said thank you very much,
grabbed my six foot by three foot check and walked back to my dorm,
thinking I am the biggest idiot that has ever walked on this planet.
That story was embarrassing to tell for a whole bunch of years,
but when I started on my journey to become an executive coach,
I became curious:
Why did I automatically assume that I was an idiot?
The answer actually lies in a quote
by the fictional character Ted Lasso.
The quote is: “Be curious, don’t be judgmental.”
What would happen if I could figure out what I could learn from this?
What would happen if I got curious and asked those types of questions?
See, curiosity opens up our mind
to a whole world of possibilities.
But being judgmental narrows our worldview
and gets in the way of us showing up as that best version of ourselves.
We’ll never completely get rid of judgment.
That’s not the goal.
The goal is to become aware of when judging ourselves,
feeling judged by others and judging other people
gets in the way of us being that best version of ourselves.
So, what is a judgement?
I’m going to steal a line from former U.S. Supreme Court Justice, who said:
“Judgement is a lot like pornography.
It’s hard to define, but you know it when you see it
or feel it.”
Judgment, that is.
Do you know those people
that you have to be really careful when you’re around them.
For people that are just super sensitive, you have to be careful what you say.
When they come over to the house, you almost have to hide stuff.
And if I’m being completely honest, I think sometimes
those people should be put on their own separate island,
their own separate planet,
and the world might even be a better place without them.
Do you know what I’m talking about?
(Audience) Yes!
Yeah, I’m talking about all of those people,
just like myself, who are allergic to nuts.
I'm that guy. I'm allergic to all kind of nuts.
But who did yo think I was talking about? Where did your mind go?
To bar another line from Ted Lasso:
“I feel like I’ve been judged my entire life.”
I’ve been married for 32 years.
We have three amazing adult kids.
We have one really cool son-in- law.
He told me to say that. (Laughter)
We have two grandchildren.
I’ve lived on three continents.
I’m a graduate of the Army’s Ranger School.
And I like to practice yoga.
My musical interests run from jazz to country,
from classical to R&B.
I have a wide range of interests.
When people ask me if I’m a Democrat or a Republican,
I always answer by saying, No, I’m an American,
and I’m proud to have served my country.
We live in a great country.
(Applause)
But I’m also that guy that tried to cash a six foot by three foot check
mounted on a piece of cardboard.
So, which narrative am I going to listen to?
Not too long ago,
a hot yoga studio opened up
down the street from us.
From being completely honest,
I thought that yoga was something that only weirdos did.
(Laughter)
How much judgement do you hear in that?
(Laughter)
And if I'm being completely honest,
the first time I went because I got curious.
I had a herniated disc.
Some friends suggested that, “Hey, maybe by trying yoga
you’ll increase your core strength, increase your flexibility.”
You know, I got curious. I decided to go and give it a try.
But the first time I went, when I got out of my car,
I looked around to make sure that no one saw me going in.
(Laughter)
How much judgement do you hear in that?
Because tough guys don’t do yoga,
and I could lose cool points.
But I stayed with it. I stayed curious.
I went in, and I found that I actually liked it.
And it helped with my flexibility,
physically, emotionally and mentally.
And I could start to do some of the poses.
But when I really started, I was just bad at it.
Get the judgement.
But I got better over time, and I actually enjoyed doing it.
And as it turns out,
my son’s college football team did yoga every week.
So who knows?
Maybe tough guys do yoga.
So, when we, when we judge ourselves,
it’s like putting ourselves in a box.
When we feel judged by other people,
it’s like letting other people put us in the box.
So, what about judging other people?
It turns out that can be just as limiting.
Karma and the commands not to judge
are concepts that most of us are familiar with.
You see, when we put someone else in a box,
when we’re looking at them, and we’re judging them,
that’s what we’re doing:
We stop seeing their divinity.
We can stop respecting them as humans,
and the downward spiral just continues from there.
What happens if instead of judging people,
what happens if we get curious?
What if we ask questions to understand?
What if we ask questions to learn about other people?
What if we ask questions to find common ground?
Curious questions draw people to us.
Questions coming from a place of judgment push people away.
When I walked out on stage,
I put a picture of a beautiful, young lady on the easel.
Her name is Annie.
Her parents named her that before she was born,
but I think it’s kind of appropriate.
But Annie is my biological granddaughter.
Now, I’m pretty sure right now the first question you want to ask
is: How could someone so young as you be a grandfather?
(Laughter)
But be honest, that question that you were thinking
was it coming from a place of curiousity,
or was it coming from a place of judgment?
I’d like us all to consider over the next couple weeks,
taking note of when we find ourselves making a judgment.
Again, we’ll never completely get rid of it.
It serves a purpose.
But when that judgment gets in the way of us showing up
as that best version of ourselves,
when we want to, we can choose to raise our awareness,
and if we all become a little bit more aware,
come a little bit more curious
and a little less judgmental,
we can save the world and change it one conversation at a time.
Thank you very much.
(Applause) (Cheering)