>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I RARELY SAY THIS, AND I NEVER MEAN IT,
BUT WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS.
JUST MOMENTS BEFORE I WALKED INTO THE STUDIO I'M IN RIGHT
NOW, I LEARNED SOMETHING SHOCKING.
TWO YEARS AGO-- YOU MAY REMEMBER,
THE NEW YORK TIMES PUBLISHED AN OP-ED CALLED "I AM PART OF THE
RESISTANCE: INSIDE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION" BY SOMEBODY
KNOWN ONLY AS "ANONYMOUS."
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN GUESSING WHO THIS EVER SINCE IT WAS RELEASED.
WELL, THIS AFTERNOON ANONYMOUS WAS REVEALED AND IT'S MILES
TELLER.
STAR OF "WHIPLASH," THE BELOVED "FANTASTIC FOUR" SERIES, AND THE
UPCOMING "TOP GUN" REBOOT.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MILES TELLER GOT SUCH INTIMATE DETAILS OF
CLASSIFIED INFORMATION-- MAYBE TOM CRUISE TOLD HIM-- BUT THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS GOT TO BE REELING RIGHT NOW FROM--
I'M SORRY, WHAT?
AND I'M BEING TOLD IT'S NOT MILES TELLER.
THEN WHO IS IT?
MILES TAYLOR?
WHO'S THAT?
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE A YEAR AGO AND ALREADY ENDORSED JOE BIDEN?
WELL, THAT'S NOT NEWS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS-- CALL ME WHEN MILES TELLER DOES
SOMETHING.
THAT KID'S GOT HEAT.
SORRY.
THIS IS WHY I NEVER SAY "BREAKING NEWS."
I OVER-REACTED, IN THAT I REACTED AT ALL.
THAT'S ON ME.
I APOLOGIZE, LET'S GO ON.
WHERE WAS I?
COFFEE.
ONE SECOND.
( LAUGHTER )
IT IS OCTOBER 28, THE FINAL WEDNESDAY BEFORE THE
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, OR, DEPENDING ON WHO WINS, THE FINAL
WEDNESDAY.
BECAUSE EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH, AND SO ARE THE VOTE
TOTALS, BECAUSE WITH SIX DAYS STILL TO GO, THANKS TO EARLY
VOTING, MORE THAN HALF THE TOTAL 2016 VOTE IS ALREADY IN.
THAT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
BUT IF 2016 TAUGHT US ANYTHING, IT'S THAT "MORE THAN HALF"
SOMETIMES ISN'T ENOUGH.
SO FAR, BIDEN IS OFF TO A GOOD START, IN PART BECAUSE 2020 HAS
BEEN A RECORD-SHATTERING YEAR FOR EARLY VOTING AMONG YOUNG
PEOPLE.
THAT IS DOPE TO THE WAP, MY TUBULAR YOUNGLINGS!
( LAUGHTER )
ETERNITY.
AND 2020 IS PROJECTED TO BE MOST EXPENSIVE U.S. ELECTION EVER,
WITH SPENDING AS HIGH AS $14 BILLION.
AND THAT'S "BEFORE" YOU COUNT MONEY FOR BOOZE AND ZOOM
SESSIONS WITH MY PSYCHIC.
WHO'S GOING TO WIN, ESMERELDA?
MOST OF THE CAMPAIGN CASH HAS GONE TO TV ADS.
AND THANKS TO A NEW REPORT, WE'RE LEARNING SOME MORE ABOUT
WHAT TV SHOWS THE CANDIDATES ARE ADVERTISING ON.
THERE'S A LOT OF SIMILARITIES.
BOTH CAMPAIGNS ARE RUNNING A LOT OF ADS ON RERUNS OF "THE BIG
BANG THEORY."
THAT'S A LITTLE SURPRISING.
TRUMP'S NO FAN OF SCIENCE.
BUT SO FAR NO ONE'S MADE "THE BIG BANG IS A CHINESE HOAX."
BUT THE CAMPAIGNS HAVE BEEN TARGETING SOME DIFFERENT
AUDIENCES.
FOR INSTANCE, TRUMP HAS PRIORITIZED RERUNS OF "THE ANDY
GRIFFITH SHOW," WHICH RAN FROM 1960 TO 1968.
NOT TO BE OUTDONE, BIDEN STARTED ADVERTISING ON THE "TRAIN
ENTERING THE STATION" CHANNEL.
"I WAS ON THAT TRAIN.
GOT INTO A FISTFIGHT WITH ONE OF THE LUMIERE BROTHERS.
RELEASE THE DIRECTOR'S CUT!
COME ON, JACQUES!" BUT THERE'S ONE SHOW THAT TRUMP
HAS PUT A LOT OF AD DOLLARS INTO THAT KIND OF SURPRISED ME.
BECAUSE TRUMP HAS AIRED ALMOST 1,200 COMMERCIALS ON "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
WOW.
HAS HE SEEN HOW I TALK ABOUT HIM ON THIS SHOW?
WELL, I GUESS IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME TRUMP'S PAID SOMEONE
TO SPANK HIM.
( "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" )
TRUMP SLAM!
>> Stephen: ON THE RALLY FRONT, TRUMP IS SPENDING HIS TIME
SHORING UP STATES HE WON IN 2016.
YESTERDAY, TRUMP WAS IN MICHIGAN, WHERE HE SAID
SOMETHING A LITTLE ODD FOR A SITTING PRESIDENT.
>> I DON'T SOUND LIKE A POLITICIAN BECAUSE I'M NOT A
POLITICIAN.
I NEVER WANTED TO BE A POLITICIAN.
>> Stephen: THAT SENTIMENT WAS OKAY FOUR YEARS AGO.
BUT NOW KNRUR THE POLITICIAN.
THAT'S LIKE YOUR SURGEON LOOKING AT YOU RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO UNDER
AND SAYING,
"BY THE WAY, I DON'T SOUND LIKE A DOCTOR BECAUSE I'M NOT A
DOCTOR.
I NEVER WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR.
POKEY STICK!" BUT THE CLIP FROM THIS RALLY
THAT'S GETTING A LOT OF ATTENTION IS THIS ATTEMPT TO
APPEAL TO SUBURBAN WOMEN: >> YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
I'M ALSO GETTING YOUR HUSBANDS.
THEY WANT TO GET BACK TO WORK, RIGHT?
THEY WANT TO GET BACK TO WORK.
WE'RE GETTING YOUR HUSBANDS BACK TO WORK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S GREAT NEWS, LADIES.
DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO GET YOUR HUSBANDS BACK TO WORK, SO
YOU CAN GET ALL YOUR LADY-CHORES DONE, LIKE VOTING FOR JOE BIDEN.
TODAY, BEFORE DEPARTING FOR ARIZONA, TRUMP HELD A QUICK NEWS
CONFERENCE WHERE HE WAS ASKED ABOUT THE RECENT UNREST IN
PHILADELPHIA.
AND HE DESCRIBED THE SCENE IN A VERY DONALD TRUMP WAY.
>> PEOPLE ARE BREAKING INTO STORES AND WALKING OUT WITH
WASHING MACHINES AND WALKING OUT WITH ALL SORTS OF THINGS, AND IT
SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED.
>> Stephen: FOR THE RECORD, IT'S NOT ALLOWED.
AND I'LL SAY THIS: LOOTING IS WRONG, BUT IF YOU CAN WALK OUT
OF A STORE CARRYING A WASHING MACHINE, I THINNK YOU SHOULD BE
ALLOWED TO KEEP IT, AND NOT JUST DURING RIOTS.
THAT SHOULD BE, LIKE, A BLANKET POLICY.
LIKE THOSE RESTAURANTS WHERE IF YOU CAN FINISH THE 72-OUNCE
STEAK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.
IF YOU LOOK AT THE RECENT COVID NEWS, YOU MIGHT WANT TO PURELL
YOUR EYEBALLS, BECAUSE IT'S CLEAR THAT THIS VIRUS IS GOING
EVERYWHERE FAST.
ESPECIALLY IN STATES THAT TRUMP DESPERATELY NEEDS, LIKE TEXAS.
IN EL PASO, THE NUMBER OF ADMITTED COVID PATIENTS HAS MORE
THAN TRIPLED OVER THE PAST THREE WEEKS, FORCING DOCTORS TO TREAT
SOME PATIENTS IN A FIELD HOSPITAL IN A NEARBY PARKING
LOT.
THAT IS TERRIBLE.
THE ONLY THINGS THAT SHOULD HAPPEN IN A PARKING LOT ARE
PARKING, SELLING PUMPKINS, AND GETTING HIGH WITH A BONG YOU
MADE OUT OF A PUMPKIN.
HERE'S HOW BAD IT IS: WHILE IT TOOK OUR COUNTRY THREE MONTHS
FOR THE FIRST 500,000 CASES, THE U.S. IS NOW REPORTING 500,000
NEW CASES JUST IN THE PAST WEEK.
CLEARLY, WE'RE A LONG WAY FROM ENDING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC.
ON THE OTHER HAND, YESTERDAY, A NEW WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE
ANNOUNCED THAT ONE OF TRUMP'S BIGGEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS IS
ENDING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC.
NOW, WHILE THAT IS CLEARLY INSANE, DECLARING VICTORY
PREMATURELY IS A PROUD REPUBLICAN TRADITION.
AT THIS POINT, TRUMP'S NOT JUST NERO FIDDLING WHILE ROME BURNS,
HE'S NERO SENDING OUT A PRESS RELEASE THAT SAYS, "YOU'RE NOT
ON FIRE."
I'D SAY THIS IS DONALD TRUMP PEEING ON OUR LEG AND TELLING US
IT'S RAINING, BUT HE USUALLY PAYS RUSSIAN PROSTITUTES TO DO
THAT.
>> I'M DONALD J. TRUMP AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, SIR.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GETTING CHECKS FROM DONALD TRUMP.
AND THEY CLEARED.
THIS PRESS RELEASE FROM THE MOUTH OF MADNESS WAS CREATED BY
THE WHITE HOUSE'S "OFFICE OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY POLICY,"
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING JUST HOW "SCIENCE" THEY ARE, ONE OF THE
OTHER MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THEY TOUT IS, "UNDERSTANDING OUR
PLANET."
( AS TRUMP )
THAN ANYONE.
IT'S BLUE AND IT'S GREEN, HEAVEN IS UP, HELL IS DOWN, IT'S SHAPED
LIKE A MEATBALL, AND THE WHOLE THING REVOLVES AROUND ME."
BUT THERE ARE SOME QUOTES FROM LEADING ACADEMIC MINDS IN THIS
DOCUMENT.
ONE SAYS, "PRESIDENT TRUMP'S POLICIES AND INVESTMENTS IN
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY ENSURE AMERICA STANDS READY TO SOLVE
TODAY'S MOST PRESSING CHALLENGES"-- AN ENDORSEMENT
THAT COMES FROM WORLD-RENOWNED SCIENTIST IVANKA TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER )
HERE SHE IS IN A LAB A FEW YEARS BACK, DISTILLING PURE CRAP.
NO ONE IS BUYING IT.
EVEN AN OFFICIAL ON TRUMP'S OWN COVID TASK FORCE SAID, "IT'S
MIND-BOGGLING.
THERE'S NO WORLD IN WHICH ANYONE CAN THINK THAT STATEMENT IS
TRUE.
MAYBE THE PRESIDENT.
BUT I DON'T SEE HOW EVEN HE CAN BELIEVE THAT."
IT'S EASY.
JUST CONSULT HIS CLOSEST MEDICAL ADVISER-- DEXAMETHASONE
HALLUCINATIONS.
>> COVID'S GONE AWAY AND DONALD TRUMP HAS WASHBOARD ABS.
>> Stephen: GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT OF HERE!
LAST NIGHT THE L.A. DODGERS BEAT THE TAMPA BAY RAISES IN GAME SIX
TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES.
CONGRATULATIONSING TO THE DODGERS, WHO HAVEN'T WON THE BIG
ONE SINCE THE 80s WHEN THEIR UNIFORM LOOKED LIKE THIS.
BIT THERE IS ONE THING ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S GAME, IT WAS
INTERESTING.
DURING THE EIGHTH INNING, SYLVESTER TURNER WAS PULLED OUT
WITH NOW EXPLANATION OPINION WAS HE INJURED?
WAS HE TRADED?
WAS HE FINALLY SWALLOWED BY HIS OWN BEARD?
NONE OF THE ABOVE.
BECAUSE WE LATER LEARNED THAT TURNER TOOK THE FIELD WHILE
STILL AWAITING THE RESULTS OF "HIS TUESDAY MORNING COVID
TEST," BUT IT WAS ONLY LAST NIGHT THAT, "RIGHT AROUND THE
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH, THE LAB RETURNED THE NEWS."
"WHICH CONFIRMED A POSITIVE."
NICE JOB, M.L.B. TESTING.
YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE ONLY THING SLOWER THAN BASEBALL.
OF COURSE, GIVEN THE DIAGNOSIS, TURNER DID THE RESPONSIBLE THING
AND HIT THE DUGOUT FOR A HUG SESH!
"YOU GET THE CORONAVIRUS!
AND YOU.
AND WHOSE WEATHER WATCHER ARE YOU?
I DON'T CARE.
AND THEN I KISS MY OWN WIFE.
AND TAKE OFF THE MASK WITH ALL THE TEAMMATES!
WHOOO!
DON'T INFECT EACH OTHER, FELLAS.
YOU ARE THE CHAMPS.
YOU GET TO GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
THIS IS THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR BY AN ATHLETE SINCE
LeBRON JAMES'S PRE-GAME ANTHRAX TOSS.
OF COURSE, EVERYONE IS SUFFERING UNDER THIS PANDEMIC.
WELL, ALMOST EVERYONE.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY THE INTERNET BLEW UP AFTER DISCOVERING THAT
KIM KARDASHIAN WEST THREW A PARTY FOR HERSELF AND DOZENS OF
FRIENDS ON A PRIVATE ISLAND.
ANY SENSIBLE PERSON WOULD WANT TO KEEP THAT UNDER WRAPS...
WHICH IS WHY KIM KARDASHIAN POSTED IT ALL ON TWITTER, SAYING
"AFTER TWO WEEKS OF MULTIPLE HEALTH SCREENS AND ASKING
EVERYONE TO QUARANTINE, I SURPRISED MY CLOSEST INNER
CIRCLE WITH A TRIP TO A PRIVATE ISLAND WHERE WE COULD PRETEND
THINGS WERE NORMAL JUST FOR A BRIEF MOMENT IN TIME."
AND YOU THINK THAT'S NORMAL?
"YEAH, ME AND MY OTHER REALITY SHOW STAR SIBLINGS TOOK A
PRIVATE JET TO A SECRET ISLAND FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
IT'S JUST NICE TO GET BACK INTO A ROUTINE, YOU KNOW?"
AND THEY PARTIED HARD.
ACCORDING TO KIM K.: "WE DANCED, RODE BIKES, SWAM NEAR WHALES,
KAYAKED, WATCHED A MOVIE ON THE BEACH, AND SO MUCH MORE."
I ASSUME "SO MUCH MORE" MEANS HUNTING THE WAITSTAFF FOR SPORT.
I'M JUST WORRIED THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE RICH PEOPLE WHO DO
WHATEVER THEY WANT ON A PRIVATE ISLAND A BAD NAME.
( LAUGHTER )
WOULD YOU GO IF BRANSON INVITED US?
WOULD YOU GO.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: LEGAL ME YOU HAVE TO GO NOW IF HE INVITES US.
BUT IN SPITE OF THE EXTRAVAGANCE OF THIS PARTY, KIM MANAGED TO
STAY GROUNDED, TWEETING "I REALIZE THAT FOR MOST PEOPLE,
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS SO FAR OUT OF REACH RIGHT NOW, SO IN
MOMENTS LIKE THESE, I AM HUMBLY REMINDED OF HOW PRIVILEGED MY
LIFE IS."
YES, BECAUSE THIS ALL SCREAMS "HUMBLE."
IT'S LIKE MOTHER TERESA SAID: "HUMILITY IS THE MOTHER OF ALL
VIRTUES.
BUT THE DADDY?
IT'S THIS LAMBO, BABY!
VROOM, VROOM!
EAT MAMA T.'S DUST!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO SOUTH CAROLINA SENATE CANDIDATE JAIME
HARRISON AND ROCK LEGEND ELVIS COSTELLO.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I INTERVIEW A TOP G.O.P. ELECTION
STRATEGIST.
STICK AROUND.